"We are but nano particles in a universe so expanse. We don't own the universe. The universe owns us. We don't own anything. We don't own anybody. We don't even own ourselves. And I suppose that's one reason why we'll never fully know the universe and everything in it including ourselves. Because who can master something he doesn't own, right?"
"I don't know. But I guess you're just sad."
"And what made you think that way?"
"A normal and healthy person would always like to own something. He lives and takes care of himself because it's his own. But you think the other way. So I guess you're just sad or something."
"I didn't say that I don't want to take care of myself or that we shouldn't. I didn't say that I don't want to own anything or even anyone. What I said is a general truth. What I wanted to say is that even if we try to keep things in place and guard them, we won't always have the control to do so. Because these things aren't ours. Time fades and renew. Space can't be consumed entirely. Things rust. People change everyday. Then die. Then decay. We can't stop these things from happening because we don't own them. If we do, maybe we could invent something to control every single thing in this world, like avoid death before they happen or avoid death forever. But we can't. Because we don't have the absolute knowledge necessary for that. Socrates was right. We know nothing."
It's the same old 11 PM breeze. But it's not the same night for these two souls. How long had it been since the last time they were on this place? 4 years. For old people, 4 years is but a short period of time. But these two people aren't old enough to see years that way. It has been quite a while.
And they missed each other.
But Jay decides not to move an inch--at least until Catherine stops talking about these philosophical notions she probably hasn't told anyone yet except for him. This has always been their unspoken rule, never interrupt the girl when she's telling a story or sharing a thought. When she's busy thinking out loud, physical activities including kissing must be put aside; one thing about her that Jay finds a bit weird and maddening but generally lovely and attractive.
Catherine has always been in loved with Philosophy and heavenly bodies. When Jay said that he had been privileged with a full-merit scholarship in Spain for Philosophy, she felt two things; first was delight and second was jealousy. She was happy to hear that her childhood sweetheart made something to be proud of. But she was, at the same time, jealous because she always dreamt to study this course but hadn't given the chance to. Her father paved her career path. She didn't even take an exam whatsoever. One morning, she just received an admission letter from a medical university saying that she passed the entrance examination in Psychology. Her father is a "friendly" man. Somebody would always fix something for him as a favor. Of course, she had herself in dismay upon reading the letter but she wasn't able to say NO to her father. Even if she did, she'd find herself still tied in the situation anyway.
They know each other since Elementary for they went to same school. They separated in high school but then they didn't lose communication and would even see each other. Distance only fueled their young hearts and experimental minds. Though they had different worlds, they shared countless things together; from learning to ride a bicycle to learning to make out and be pleasured like adults. They grew up with an understanding that one is special for the other and vice versa. But they never and ever called it love even once, even until now. Passion is the safest word. Love is too much.
"What are you planning to do next by the way? Are you going to take Theology and be a priest and completely abstain from sex and masturbation?" asks Catherine. Jay throws a laugh. This dirty girl, he thought.
"We were taught two ways in serving God, first is by taking the path of priesthood. That means we have to leave everything behind and offer ourselves completely. The second one is continuing to spread the word of God to people especially to our family. So that when we die, our children and grandchildren and great grandchildren will continue the teachings and all. Until now, I still don't know which way to take. I'm not really afraid to sacrifice my personal pleasures. But I also want to experience the feeling of building a family. I don't know. What do you think?"
"Errrr--I guess the second one is the best choice. I don't know God but If I'd be Him, I wouldn't selfishly rob you of the things that make you human in the first place because that's how you learn that I'm your God--by being human. Plus, I wouldn't be happy knowing that you're not fully happy in serving me. Just because you celibate doesn't mean you've fully given yourself to me. So, if you're having hard time to decide, it only means that you're not really ready to leave everything behind for me. I don't know. I hope this doesn't sound blasphemous. I'm sorry but I don't read Bible and I speak more Sigmund Freud than Jesus Christ."
Jay smiles instead of replying. He suddenly realizes that he's still talking with the same Catherine, the same brutally honest girl he spent childhood and crazy teenage days with.
"Aren't we going home yet?" Catherine murmurs while patting the mosquitoes feasting on her legs.
"No. Not until we kiss."
"Oh my. Somebody wants to get laid." Catherine covers her mouth, eyes wide-opened, acting like a pro dramatist. Jay thinks it's the right time to move, perhaps go and touch her. He moves closer and plays with her hair.
"Wait. I'm a virgin."
"Really? But as far as I can remember, you already volunteered your virginity to a handsome and nice guy named James Bernadino, a.k.a. Jay. It was May 28, right? Before he went to Spain. You even told me the guy was great. And then--"
Catherine shifts back to her usual voice and facial expression.
"Okay. Stop it right there you moron. That volunteered word is too much, especially handsome. And James Bernadino wasn't great. Duh. I could write a long list of disappointments right now."
"So, you regret it?"
"I have 3 answers for that--yes, yes and yes. I should have given it to Alexis."
"Alexis? Oh. Alexis. Right. The dwarf, hairy guy you had crush on. The one in your scrapbook. Okay, Cat. I know that he really meant so much for you those days. I hate to tell you this but the truth is, if ever you had sex with him instead of that good-looking James Bernadino, I'm a hundred percent sure you wouldn't be satisfied with that hairy guy's penis. Plus, I know you wouldn't want to have sex with a chimpanzee. You couldn't be so hard on yourself."
"You know--actually, I think you should go back to Spain--like RIGHT NOW. I changed my mind. I just realized how demonic your thoughts are. And I believe you need exorcism or some sort of spiritual healing. This is me being a friend. You're welcome. And don't touch me."
Catherine is starting to talk so fast again. She has this facial reaction, the kind of look he so damnly missed.
He touched her hair again.
"DON'T. TOUCH. ME. I'm drawing a line right now. If you touch me again I swear I'm gonna kill you."
Jay quickly pokes Catherine's cheek.
"Touched you. Kill me."
Catherine inhales deeply then realeses a sigh that seems to say she's only being being patient.
"God of reason, why is this idiot so annoying?" she murmurs.
Silence enters in a moment. It's no longer 11PM. The wind gets colder and them, warmer. The scent of the flowering plants around them become more and more aromatic. Catherine remembers how they would make out before like they knew what they were doing. Young bodies. Old minds. Random conversations. Whispers. Moans. She secretly bites her lower lip. She suddenly feels a brush on her spine. Her nipples hardened. The thing between her thighs dampened. Her lower abdomen feels a different kind of itch like she wants to pee or something. She knows this. She's aroused. She can smell her wetness and she wonders if Jay does too. Maybe yes, but even if not. Her body might already emitted something in the air, something that has no smell but has a triggering effect on males. Sooner or later he'll be having a hard-on, Catherine is a hundred percent sure about this. Now she's being a psychologist.
"You have to go home now I guess. They might be looking for you already." Jay breaks the silence.
"I'm actually alone in the house right now and I guess until Saturday."
And it's only Monday! Jay's mind is rioting.
"I'll walk you to your house now. You're still supposed to sleep early anyway."
He can't fool himself. He knows what will happen next. He knows what his devilish twin plots to happen.
"Okay." says Catherine.
Catherine's house is just a few walks away, not that far to get exhausted. But when they arrived, his heart starts throbbing like he just ran an upright road. Plus, Catherine's so quiet it makes him feel even weirder.
"Goodnight." She says with a smile.
Jay immediately leans forward then kisses her. Suddenly. Abruptly. Awkwardly. Thing is, it's been a long time. How should he start it all? He'd been in the seminary for four years and hadn't touched a girl for that long. He sometimes had sexual fantasies wherein he played the great kisser or the romantic love maker and sometimes, even the hardcore lover. But turns out those were but fantasies. He can't even kiss Catherine the right way. He can only touch her hands and her hair and that's all. Nothing seems to follow. Or maybe he's just suppressed. His mind and body are discordant right now.
"Goodnight. It's nice seeing you again." Jay finally managed to utter a line. Catherines smiles and enters the gate. He can't see her anymore. What was that?! He whispered to himself. He turns his back and walks a few steps away already.
But then the gate creaked--He turns his head and there's Catherine.
"Actually, I can't sleep this early. It's just twelve."
That's the stupidest reason he heard today. But in Philosophy, even the stupidest notion can mean a significant thing. And he clearly knows what this stupidity means.
He plays cool and follows her inside.
"I've been painting since 3rd year college. Come. I'll show you something."
They went upstairs and got inside a small room that serves as Catherine's studio. He knows she got a terrific skill in drawing figures and faces wayback high school. But this is his first time to see her paintings. There's a large canvas on an easel covered with a red cloth. Catherine walks closer to it then takes off the covering.
"I painted this 3 days ago when I heard that you're coming back. I don't know what was on my mind. I just felt like stroking the brush and then came up with this. Maybe I was just so damn excited to know that you'd be here. Maybe I was too happy that day. I don't know. It's so weird. But I love this painting." Catherine keeps talking about the painting but Jay remains silent.
He's awestruck.
"So what do you think?" Catherine finishes her unheard speech then looks at Jay with a smile. There's no reply.
Jay walks closer to Catherine then gives her a tight and warm embrace. He now remembers how to start it all...
It starts with sincerity.
He now realizes that he really doesn't want to play the role of the great guy in bed. He just wants to be pleased. Simple. So, he starts planting small kisses on Catherine's neck. Not because doing this pleases Catherine, but because doing this pleases him pretty much. It sounds very selfish but the funny thing is, Catherine also thinks the same. She wants to feel that old feeling again. So she starts caressing Jay's back and messing his hair while giving off heavy sighs as she's being kissed. And she's doing these not because she's aware that Jay will be pleased, but because doing these things make her feel so good. And they are not aware that their selfish thinkings are actually codependent.
When his kiss reaches her mouth, his cock feels like it already wants to pop out of his pants. But just before he's about to reach Catherine's hand to guide it down there, he already feels her palm inside. He didn't even noticed her unzipping his pants earlier. They really feel so fired up right now. Soft, slow kisses become rough and hard-pressed. Smooches become French kisses. There's a sofa bed on the side of the room but they both chooses to ignore it. Jay carries Catherine and pins her on the wall. Her legs are coiled just above his hips, just enough for her to feel his erection getting harder and harder. He's pressing on her so hard she already wants him to get inside. Jay lets her sit on the table while continuosly kissing and caressing her. He inserts two fingers in her just when she's about to tell him. She loves it when Jay curves his finger inside. There's a mixture of pleasure and a little pain. She begins to be loud and this makes Jay go crazy. He enters her and damn--
He looks at Catherine's face for a moment while thrusting back and forth. Catherine's moving her hips as well, making it more pleasurable for the both them. He started moaning as well and begins to feel Catherine's wall contracting, choking his swollen, pulsating manhood. He doesn't want to end it already so he pulls off and started rubbing her clit with the tip of his cock.
He's looking at her while doing this. After awhile, Catherine started kissing his mouth again, distracting him. She stands then leads Jay, this time, to bed. She pushes him then undresses until all that's left is her skin. She lies on top of him and starts rocking, cupping her breasts, pinching her nipples, biting her lips, eyes closed, moaning. Oh how she loves this. It makes her feel like a queen because she takes the control. Another funny thing is, Jay likes this too. Because he feels like a King being served. They can go on and on, do their selfish desires, but these desires only lead to the benefit of each other and never of one alone.
They moan louder now. Catherine pulls herself away, blows him until he finishes and then swallows his load like gulping a glass of sweet lemonade. No single drop has been spared. What just happened is one heck of madness.
Catherine rests on Jay's chest, listening to his heart. A moment of silence enters. Catherine is thinking about the things she said earlier--things about not owning anything.
"I have to tell you something." Jay whispers. Catherine raises her head to look him in the eye. But Jay's staring at the ceiling. "I was just kidding earlier when I said that I don't know if I'd continue to priesthood. Actually, I've already decided."
Catherine frowns after hearing this. She lowers her head to his chest again to hide the sadness on her face. Then she silently starts telling herself again: You don't own anything. You don't own anything. You don't own anything.
"Whatever your decision is, I'll go with it. I'll promise this won't happen again. I'm sorry." Her apology doesn't sound apologetic at all. It sounds painful. And Jay is more than aware of this. Catherine continues, "When I finally settle down, I want you to marry us. You're my best friend. You play a great part in my life and I still want you to play an important role in my wedding which is something very important to me."
"I'll try. Maybe after I finish law. But are you really sure you don't want to be married in church? I thought that's what you want. I can even ask the Bishop to wed the both of you. He's my personal friend."
Catherine suddenly raises her head again to look at him.
"What? I don't get it."
"What do you mean you don't get it? What are you thinking?"
"I thought you're going to pursue Theology."
"I didn't say that. Just because I studied in a seminary school doesn't mean I'm going to be a priest. That scholarship was full-merit and it's a school in Spain. What could I ask for? I've always wanted to become a lawyer. Philosophy is a preliminary course for Law."
Catherine smiles and again, lowers her head to hide her face.
"Okay. I hope you all the best." She plainly says. She closes her eyes and prepares to sleep. In her head is a loop of song that repeatedly says:
You don't own anything.
You don't own anything.
You don't own anything.
But maybe you do.