So, He hadn’t contacted me in months because of various reasons that I didn’t know about. Two days ago he called me and told me he wants to catch up because he’s leaving for Bangalore next week. I said fine because I needed a fucking closure. We were to meet yesterday and we did. But somehow, on Friday when I thought about the things I had been bottling up to say, I came up with nothing. Not a single word. I didn’t know what to say when I’d meet him because everything that I would say would indicate that I fell for him and that I’m expecting from him. I shouldn’t be doing that. So, I thought I’ll leave everything to come out naturally.
On Sunday, I had a substitute class at BKG. For the record, I wasn’t scared about the meeting but only preoccupied with thoughts. My mind was clear yet very unclear. I dressed up in my best top that showed my cleavage and collarbone just to woo him into admitting that he had missed out on a goddess by choosing someone else. I know it was a stupid thought but I really needed to do it to boost my self-esteem. Plus, who doesn’t need validation. So we met at INA, he hugged me and said “it’s that smell”. I couldn’t understand and he didn’t explain. At Dilli haat, I was mostly quiet because I didn’t know what to say. He would still keep on having conversations like he was single, without a girlfriend. He admitted getting attracted to multiple girls even despite relationship. To the extent that he has had desires of fucking them, making out with them. His girlfriend knows about his attractions but not to this extent. So I said, that if you really think you can’t commit then break up because you’ll be hurting someone else because of what you are. Accept your position and live your life, don’t hurt anyone.
The most important highlight of the day was when I told him how I had actually felt. How I felt neglected in our friendship and I didn’t ever expect him to become my boyfriend. But for him to vanish away right at the time he got a girlfriend and a good job was not a very right thing to do. He went all quiet, probably took everything in and we got up to find a place to smoke, after which he hugged me and apologized. I kept on reiterating that I don’t expect a thing from you because I never conveyed all of this even though I had all these thoughts inside me all these months, I never ever communicated until today. I would have never, if today wouldn’t have happened. So then we walked throughout Delhi haat to look for stuff he and I had to buy. And he would casually put his arms around my shoulder probably in a friendly way until once he put his arms around my waist and I got turned on. So then we got out of Dilli Haat and entered this gully where we started to smoke. While we were smoking, he stretched his arm and I looked at his tummy, to which he said “Kyu dekh rahi hai mereko?”. I put my hands on his belt and pulled his underwear to see the brand. He said “HnM”. Then he asked me whether he can see my brand, I said I bet you try. He put his arms over my vagina and I told him it’s a dress you will not be able to see it. In that moment we were very attracted towards each other. I got down to look at his sprained ankle and he said he could see my cleavage, I told him it’s not the first time you’re seeing it. He also said “ Are you going down on me?” He removed my hair from the front that blocked the view and when I got up he pulled me close and kissed me on my neck and around. People could see us so we moved. In addition to all of this, we were also having conversations about us. About how I didn’t get physical with other people because I don’t exactly get attracted to everyone and I found that space with him.
So then we moved to this secluded area where we made out. As in, he rode over my breasts, kissed me on my face, my neck, my breasts. He tried pulling my breasts out and his efforts seemed funny. He pressed my buttocks and gave me love kisses all over my upper body except my lips. He said he can’t kiss me because of her. I said do you think of her? He said No, it just seems wrong. I told him he’s stupid. He went quiet for some time and I kept on asking him whether he’s fine. He said he is. Then we had this long argument about our problems, we both were on different tangent and that’s why I’m calling it an ‘argument’.
In that moment, when I could feel his beard on my neck, love, I felt so validated. I was turned on for real and I didn’t want it to stop. I kissed him on his lips and he looked at me and didn’t kiss back which was fine. His touch was something I craved in months and I wanted to do so much more in that moment except that my conscience kept on interfering. For one thing, I didn’t give a damn. He didn’t give a damn too. He was attracted towards me and he didn’t feel even one bit guilty about what he did then why the fuck should I. He said these things are not important he is more concerned about the bigger problems. I said okay. But it felt so good, him doing all of that to me despite being in a relationship I know I sound bitchy but I have been so hurt, this is the person I have become. I don’t care. I don’t care about his girlfriend, obviously. And I don’t care whether I made a mistake or not because he doesn’t care. He said he had already forgotten what he did so why should it bother me. He told me I should leave because it’s not safe for him. He said he has had these desires before. So, for now, I am not the person who should be concerned but it should be his girlfriend. I told him the right thing to do, to break up but now it’s upto him.
Whatever I did, I felt so validated after such a long time. I felt like this goddess that made him uncontrollable and I know he is a big time pervert whose validation is not important but it was somehow important to me. It was and it will be. For him to make out with me, even after being in a relationship was very very satisfying for me. And I have zero regrets and zero guilt.
Even after this, we went around Rajiv Chowk, had pizzas. And he was fine, and fun. In fact he said this was his last day of bachelorette and he wanted to get drunk and fuck girls. He was in a very jolly mood. While we were getting departed he told me “You are important to me and there are very few people in my life I want to be in touch with, you are one of them.” I am happy he didn’t treat me like a fling. I said I wanted to hear this because I wanted something to carry with me and this was it. This was fucking it.