So it wasn’t even mine. That is what was bothering me so much. It was pitch black and I should have seen it. But I didn’t. I was way too excited to acknowledge a coffee mug! I was distracted. Guilty. But I had a reason to be. I finally had been switched off the project I had been working, for like ages on. I didn’t have it in me to continue anymore. But I was continuing anyway. I had been threatening them with emotional anecdotes: my lead, for a switch for far too long. And the sweetheart that she is, she finally gave in.
So about the black cup that I had dropped and broke. I picked up its pieces, ran to the store in the campus for a similar one. There wasn’t any. I got a grey one, flagged a sorry card and left. It was a miracle no one saw me. People usually notice, anything. Anything really. I had only broken a coffee mug yet my brain started these flips of nervousness. What if the cup belonged to a senior officer? Worse, what if it was of sentimental value to the owner. It wasn’t unlikely. There, I did it again. I started over complicating things. I tend to do that, I was happy about the switch and the happiness wrecks my nerves. They go in this rush of whirlwind anxiety ride wherein I would over-imagine simple things, over-react, over-complicate and also over-run things(at times)! So I was happy I just might get the much awaited promotion now!
One man’s gain is another’s loss. So my gain came with a price, which from what I had heard someone else was paying. In kind. Ouch.
It was the Tl’s (team leads) birthday, they had a little celebration in a back room. Someone had sneaked in a few bottles of ‘rejuvenating drinks’ and everyone was enjoying their share. Birthdays were little celebrations where everyone came. We only needed a reason to party everyone would jump up at the opportunity. The ex-members were also to come and I feared the person who I had replaced would also. Gawdd how I hated confrontations. It was like standing in-front of a mother whose child just lost a game to Yours’. The feelings are mixed. You want to gloat about Your own...and sympathize too. I however decided to ignore the situation itself.
I was leaving when I bumped into him. He knew me and I him. I was replacing him in the project.
“Congratulations!” He said in the cheeriest tone possible.I wonder how can people sound so on the top of the world when they are feeling exactly the opposite..or what do I know.
“Thanks” I returned. Courteously. Managed a little smile and left. Am both, a nervous talker and a nervous silence seeker.
Usually with me leaving stories would end with most. And whoever tried a step ahead received cold shudder from me.
But this one he kept pressing. I still sometimes wonder how did I give in but I did.
After the Broken-Mug
If I was ice he was water…could change to whatever shape and color of the vessel he was kept in, had this brilliant character of losing himself in the crowd and still managing a high. I always noticed his eyes particularly, he had hungry, wise deep eyes. That was one of the most amazing evening I had. A thoroughly magnificent time.
All of the evening I kept telling myself that this was short lived . Only for this day. It is going to pass. Momentary. It was more of fear than consolation. And then what I scared came true.
He got up to leave. Abruptly. (who does that!) Ok I was unnecessarily piqued. But I was.. My cheeks flushed red. I tried not to react. He was taking leave off of everyone. He came down to me, held my hand or gaze or something. Smiled a goodbye and left. Left. Just like that! (the drama queen I am) I said nothing. Smiled too and left after an appropriate time had elapsed post his departure.
The entire ride back home and the entire night. All kinds of voices in my head kept shrieking. An evening isn’t a contract, a smile ain’t a promise. Yet however hard I tried I couldn’t get the feeling out. Something stirred in me. Uncomfortably. Everything that had been and said, was set deep within me. Which wasn’t much, obviously.
I would go to work for a couple of days after that, immerse myself in tons of work. Nothing helped. I grew angry at myself for everything, for that twinkle in my eye, for the flush of red on my cheek, for the swing in my walk, for my heart to palpitate so. I grinned wide. Idiot!
He texted me meanwhile, one evening. I didn’t reply. Thinking its too late , later cause it felt too early. I was nervous. A wreck. And the fact that he was in the adjacent block. I kept a distance thinking that would subdue the exaggeration my brain was going for. It didn’t help. Nothing did. All I wanted was to sit with him and smile.
I usually don’t go discussing my assignments or asking for help. No am not egotistical, am socially handicapped, if that is even a term. But that day sensing my distraction and in hope to have him helping me I asked for an aid on that job. Someone did turn up. But not him. It was worse now. I didn’t have my privacy or any peace or him!
Somehow I dragged through the day. And when my shift was over I rushed back to my apartment and retired early. For almost an hour I kept tossing and turning. Don’t really know when did I finally fall asleep.
The next morning I woke up with this terrible sick feeling in my stomach. I somehow showed up for work. My help had not arrived(thankfully), and I soon learned he was being replaced by some other dynamic head. At this point the last thing I was looking forward to, was a smart mouth. Coming at loggerheads with someone! Aaaargh.. curse the moment I went asking for help. More trouble.
I had turned to get coffee when I dropped my coffee mug and all the papers and almost my laptop with it. I was frenetically trying to piece up that segment, absolutely disheveled, feeling miserable..reduced nearly to tears when I heard a knock on my desk. Shit ! Not now, I had to say yes.
“Help?” a voice said.
I was tempted to avoid. I turned.
And behold, he stood there, witnessing the show.
I turned my face back. Radiant. I was grinning, brimming with smiles. How could he be the drug to my nervousness? I got up with confidence of a queen. By the time I had turned to look back at him I was all composed, controlled and poised with a stern look on my face(back to my old lovely grumpy self).
“We are even then”
“Excuse me?” I asked perplexed.
“I said we are even, You broke my mug and today Your own. This Your hobby, breaking coffee mugs?”
I flushed red. The mug was his? And he knew! I maintained my stoic silence.
“Yeah, I know You replaced it too. But it looked nothing like my old one.”
Silence.
“Lunch?”
“No.” I said loud with a hollow prick. as if my “NO” would bring him down to his knees. He would plead for one date. I would refuse and walk away feeling light.
In all honesty.. If that would have happened, I would have probably actually felt light. But none of it did. Instead:
“Indian? Mexican? Chinese?”
“I just said No”
He ordered Mexican rice with tomato salsa. I hated him. Loved the food. I was oscillating between extreme sentiments for him. It was exhausting. Anyway the food arrived and I hogged it down like a hungry dog(bitch maybe). I realized I was famished. I hadn’t eaten properly for days.
Alright I was aware he was incapable of reading my mind. Yet !..
The day ended (why?) ! and I went back home. Happy. White.
They say on a clear day You can see forever. I could. That day. I effortlessly was looking pretty. his charm involuntarily made me feel elegant and light. I felt Beautiful. Lovely.