Faithless: After the ONE!

After the one-step-further relation that we share with anyone, be it Your friend or more, breaks.. why can’t we move on with the happy memories of it!? Why in spite of having had more beautiful memories with the individual only the sad and hurtful ones reverberate in our memory. Every night that we cry, when the loneliness kicks in.. we don’t smile out of compassion and love in the moments that we laughed together. Instead we cry, wail and shriek in pain of hatred that we had and in the process creating a few more. Worse still, the happy memories bring scalding pain which becomes stale and toxic after a while. That love which breathed life once becomes toxic-stagnant-stinky.

The fact, yet, still remains that, that is the person You smiled Your happiest and truest smile with. And that, You can’t anymore. That having known love so truly……none other matters. Why? Why doesn’t any else matter?

_______________________

Dear Broken-hearted,

I knew all of that ’cause I had been with her all through that. She had called to me, reached to me in her hours of need. And the fact that I had honored her call and sat by her side, DAY AND NIGHT, failed to register her. I tried in vain in the form of a cool breeze caressing her tear-stained cheeks. The tears simply never seemed to leave her. The breeze instead of cooling her woes down, accentuated her burning. The falling rain that she once loved so much went unappreciated as well.

I then insured that she’s not left alone at anytime ’cause that was when she ached most, when the staggering loneliness haunted her! So, I ensured through the complex mechanism of this world that she always had company. But that too was sneered upon by her. For some strange reason she wanted to be left alone to cry. Seeing all my efforts losing out on helping her up i came back with reinforced energy to help her smile.

There was this work she’d coveted to be assigned to for so long. I helped it fall into her laps. Yes, it was going out of the way. Yes, I was doing things beyond my capacity. She may not have deserved it but she sure did NEED it. And I needed her to smile, back.

Although her faith in me had started to fade but that did not deter my enthusiasm. But then when this effort too was looked down upon ruefully was when I was pushed back a little.

What injured my being and curbed the flutter of my wings a little was when she screamed in pain seething of hatred and called ME names.

I felt I had not done anything. Nothing. Me? names!?.. I felt myself fading a shade. I hadn’t lost hope of course. She was walking through hell and I was only urging her to keep walking. I knew she’d stand and I’ll help her in that fight of straightening back again. In whatever way I can.

I took her way of dealing with the world. She’d had her heart broken with one relation and I aided her into another. But she hissed at every happiness, like sadness all her life was all she’d known. I craved to remind her that it wasn’t true. That she’d smiled without a reason too. That she was not the only one on the hurting side. All the breaking was not her alone. She had hurt too and she still was hurting. Me too.

My voice drowned in her sobs. Sobs.. that didn’t any longer have reasons. It wasn’t sorrow. It was hatred now. Anguish. I was hopeful again. Maybe anger..Pure noninflected.. Unpolluted anger will help her see who was she harming with that toxin she called passion. That nothing would come out of this self-inflicted pain.

I sat by her all through DAY AND NIGHT or while she walked lifeless in public forums. Not one thing of beauty striking her fancy. I sat there trying to soothe her. Watching her loose faith bit by bit everyday in me in spite of all that I was doing to help restore it. My every attempt doing the opposite of what they should.

Every moment that she turned vindictive and spiteful, the lesser could I feel myself. I had paled and darkened too. I was dissolving in her halo of harsh faithlessness. Wasn’t she breaking faith? Her own faith? A stranger can do that to You and leave. But doing this to Yourself! I was failing to understand the woman, the baby I loved, knew and played with was growing into.

Her faith had now broken into a million pieces and I had faded into oblivion. Non-existent. Not even my essence. Like I had never been there. NO one moment made this be. Every passing moment gradually injected this fatal dose of faithlessness into me. And I was swept away like dust… by that unhappy air of remorse she kept her head dived into with such acute diligence.

That was NOT SORROW! No it was not. Sorrow is what fills Your heart when it hurts.. Sorrow is not when You hurt every heart around with the shards of it broken. I left, “cause she wouldn’t/couldn’t keep me. Truly i never left. I died. A slow painful death. Mild yet excruciating..that darkness ate me alive. Creeped into my being and seared out of it tearing me apart. I was her own. Most own. And she, let me break. She let her own faith break. It was a sacrifice she made to keep her hurt alive. I wish she would’ve kept her heart alive instead…however much in pain. I wish she would ‘av only kept the sorrow if be needed and been what i wanted to help her be… what she really ought to be.

She’d not lost the battle the day she lost………..

She lost the battle the moment she lost her faith.

–

I, her Guardian Angel.