“Dil kya kehta hai mera kya main bataau, Tum samjhoge shayad main pagal hoon”
(What my heart says what I should tell you you’ll think that I am mad)
- Rock On(Title Track)
Rock On (2008)
Farhan Akhtar
A sharp ray of sunlight hit me when the curtains were torn apart. My closed eyes showed me red colors as sunlight fell on my eyelids. Suddenly the beauty of darkness from eyes was removed away and lights tried to pierce through my eyelashes. Every limb in my body began to wake up, but soon began to whine. I turned to the other side where sunlight didn’t beam on my eyes. My eyes began its opening, watching the other side of the bed. The other side of the bed was empty and messy, just like my life.
I breathed heavily and closed my eyes again. Maybe I could go back to the land of sleep where no practicality existed, only dreams and imagination were allowed. But sleep is like a bitchy girlfriend, once gone, only returns when your whole body begs for it.
My instincts were continuously pushing me to wake up and start the new day, like the one shown in the movies. Girl wakes up with arms stretching; hair like sleep didn’t disturb her curls, and smiles at the sunshine like it would be the best day of her life. I blinked my eyes several times to get reality check. Yep it’s morning. But my body, from head to toe, screamed sleep .They were resting on the bed like if god could be sinned, he must be for creating morning.
However, body was a betrayal machine and my mind knew sleeping like a dead won’t make people think that you are dead. After few shoulder stretches, I finally sat on the bed. But instead of stretching my arms in a beauty pose, I scratched my head hard. My eyes ached. I woke up and looked around my pillow. It was a habit. Without looking at the 5 inches screen flashing your wallpaper, the day doesn’t begin. I found my phone lying near the pillows, with seriously tangled earplugs. They somewhat depicted my own life’s status. Underneath them was my book on which the title screamed ‘Eclipse’ with an almost torn ribbon on its cover. I suddenly began to remember on which page I stopped. But I then stopped harassing my brain with some mindless calculation of numbers.
I shacked off my legs off to get rid of thick blanket and placed my feet on the shinny floor. My black toe nail polish against the shining white floor seemed like my feet rebelled against the floor. I rubbed my eyes to shake sleep off. But my laziness seemed to have fun with my energy. “Ugh. It’s just a normal day. Get up.” I thought to myself and stood up. But my energy reservoir seemed to end with that small stand. I fell back on the bed. “Ugh!” I muttered under my breath.
Then I heard someone’s low, throaty chuckle. Out of reflex, I immediately woke up, my eyes wide open. A fleet of servants, dressed in black and white code, suddenly became serious. I smiled awkwardly and started scratching my head like an idiot. I continued to do this until I reached the bathroom. Once I reached to the room, I shunted the door and heaved hard.
As soon as I entered that enormous bathroom, I found myself staring at the mirror. Honestly, it was not a pleasure studying myself. Hair out of its place, the white lace top with black loose shorts, my hand scratching my head. Though one thing which irritated me all along years, my fat bulgy stomach was now a slim figure. I used to think having a perfect body might solve all issues, but life had nothing to do with a slim outfit. Of course it had its benefits. I could slip into my favorite tees and could get into the tightest jeans to make myself look really sexy. But it never really helped. Looking sexy. Or I never tried to. I always found myself in a loose jeans or shorts, or in loose tee. Or sometimes in a floral t-shirt or something. I really didn’t care what to wear today. I always used to walk out of the door with confidence that my not-so-fantastic figure will turn people’s head and boys on. But as soon as I saw look-alikes of Beyoncé, my self esteem would hit a new low.
However, over thinking was one of the most disastrous qualities I possessed. I opened up my wardrobe and looked for something decent. I found a red floral top and decided to wear jeans with it. I sighed and kept the clothes on the counter, while I realized there was something else too. My phone.
I quickly unlocked the screen and opened YouTube. It took a hell lot of time to load, but finally I got the song I wanted to play. I kept the phone with the screen facing the counter. The song began and I began to sing along.
All these years of being a teenager, a whiny one, I realized one thing. You can’t have a bad day if you started with music.
“Okay.” I sighed.
So I promised I won’t be thinking in the shower. But I was actually over thinking in the shower. But as soon as the sound of water came and I stepped into the shower, my thought process began to empower my promise. Every muscle in my body began to relax its stiffened position. The warm water made my mind more relaxed.
This weird habit of music during bath I picked up from my cousin. I was around 8 years younger than me. So, definitely she kicked in teenage first. Though as a child, I would tend to repel all her teenage activities. And this one was the weirdest. But as soon as my hormones kicked in, I realized how stupid I was. Or I am.
It was hard to leave the place where you want to be forever. No, no, I wouldn’t adore the thought of staying in a shower space forever. It was the silence and weird feeling of satisfaction. Though London was filled with bustling sounds, there were places where I am used to go, to escape from this wilderness. Mostly cafes with my book and headphones on my ears, playing some random song. .My playlist changed in every week. A new song lured me and I kept it on loop until I learn the lyrics by heart. Then get immensely bored of it.
But today I was planning to end up in café and eat until my stomach could bloat up. I was dead hungry. My stomach began to growl but the sound was to be heard until my ears only. My brain went to think some cafes names. But then I realized I had given my brain another set of mindless calculations.
After a few minutes of solace and peace, I finally closed the tap and wrapped the towel around myself. The song ended way long ago. I searched again for a song and finally ended up with some Hindi song.
I wore my clothes and finally took the courage to look myself in the mirror. I let my shoulder length hair flow down, despite the fact that I have to tie it again because of London’ summer temperature. My hair had some natural curls, which made my huge glasses look good on me.
I took a deep breath and went out the bathroom. The servants had left the room. I straight away jumped to the bed and started to play with my phone. The bed, when I left was a horrible mess, the bed sheet misplaced, the blanket unkempt, and the pillow cover almost coming out. But now, the bed sheet was put on its right place, the pillow were replaced by exactly new ones and the blanket was neatly folded and kept at the end of the bed. When I jumped on the bed, the bed sheet was somewhat displaced again. Never mind, had I thought to myself.
I flickered through mobile applications. Nothing seemed interesting. I just opened up YouTube again and again put up some song and kept the mobile away. I crossed my feet and clenched my hands and put them under my head. I stared at the ceiling and sang along. Minutes of the song seemed to fly away in seconds. I continued to stare at the ceiling. My brain was blocked by many thoughts. Suddenly it seemed impossible to move. My thoughts began to grip my body. But soon the door flew open with loud sounds of footsteps. I could make out who had broken in my room. Still I turned my head to look.
“Morning, kid. You woke up early? It is weekend, you can sleep.” It was Jane. Jane was… well Jane has no words to describe. She is my walking timetable, or my stylist, or my workout expert, or a commuter, because I and my dad never talked. My father never had time to talk. He had ‘Oberoi Industries to handle. Basically taking care of whatever I need. Some people might call it as assistant. But she was more than that. She was someone who looked beyond the ‘Natasha Oberoi’ tag which blinded people with the thought my dad’s enormous money was a big point my life.
Jane. Jane was one of the most enthusiastic people I have ever me. She had infectious energy and a more infectious smile. She was with me for 4 years. And she never had a boyfriend. Like never. It was a moment when I was grateful that my eyes didn’t pop out. Though she has some qualifications that I had trouble even thinking of, she took this job because… well I don’t know even why she took it. But I knew it was the hardest one in the world. Taming a wild teenager.
She was my dad’s secretary earlier, but due to some ugly fight, which she refers as, she was fired. But she was again hired, not for my dad, but for me. And those were the days when I first came to London and joined high. I am painfully shy and a stubborn introvert. My first days at high school were ghastly. I just went to class, crammed up what teacher said, ate lunch alone and then came back home. However, after 2 months (I joined high school when half the semester was done), my grades began to drip and a solitary lifestyle led me to grievous depression. I wouldn’t blame London altogether. I headed here with early signs only. But this solitary lifestyle and crying in the corner scared my father.
There’s where Jane entered the scene.
Though my father was not serious by my behavior, what agitated him was my grades might be a hot topic for the press. Yes, press! When I landed here, the press wandered sometimes, but soon lost interest in me, as I didn’t created enough trouble to temp the readers of their newspapers to read about. Though it did disappoint Jane.
My life and room was always in disarray, Jane somewhat stabilized the situation. And Jane’s participation in child psychology during her school age was helpful. Though I didn’t enjoy company back in India, re-setting here was hard.
I was a plump and hormonally imbalanced minor, Jane got that very instantly. She knew I wouldn’t even think about exercise, so she forced a yoga teacher upon me. And she would stand next to me while my bulgy body would trip and fall. It took about 8 months to get a decent shape. But seriously, I never felt anything different. I was the same, sitting on couch, watching T.V. until my eyes felt sore, watching same movies over and over,
“Okay” I said in a tired tone and took the blanket took tease her. I knew she’ll freak out. “Oh I didn’t mean that way. You usually wake up at 2 in the afternoon. I don’t which fairy godmother waved her wand today” She snorted. I woke up and made a face. “What’s up for today?” I asked as I went near to her.
“Oh you have got a lot of work, kid. Fir…. Hey! Not again!” She winced as her hands fell as soon as she saw me. It was her normal reaction when I didn’t dress according to her level. Her style was something people freely die. Her slender body and porcelain skin were add-ons to her personality. But it took some time for me to realize the expression. “What?” I suddenly became self- conscious of my appearance and began to straighten up the top which was creased due to my bed expedition.
“Again this! Natasha! This looks like century old. I made you do yoga forcefully so that you can wear hideous top?! You have beautiful curves, why don’t you show them? You know people die to have a wardrobe like you and you end with this?! I can’t-” I interrupted her as her eyes went red with fury. Once she started, it was impossible for me to stop her. Same goes for the vice versa.
“Jane! Calm down! Listen, I really don’t care! The world is not my runway. Please! Let’s see what tortures we have for today. Ok?” I rolled over my eyes to her. She showed me an expression of whinny child but finally she began speak. “Well, I am being told th-” My stomach growled loudly, leaving me embarrassed.
“You didn’t had breakfast, did you” She rolled her eyes on me, I looked away. “Hey, c’mon!” She threw her hands in air. I rolled my eyes, but my stomach growled, even louder. “Hey, do you want to starve yourself to death?” She rolled her eyes, more angrily this time.
“Huh! Like I could that!” I winced with a sarcastic smile on my face. She looked at me, more angrily. “The breakfast’s still on the table. You just go down and eat. Then we’ll talk.” She folded her chest and held her head high. Like if I went down, she would feel like she won a war.
“Jane, I don’t want to… listen….” She rolled her eyes harder. I tried to distract her but she was as stubborn as I was. “Let’s see what we have tod-” I tried to take her papers but she snatched them away. “Jane, I don’t want to.” I finally winced out, in hope she will finally agree on my part.
“What you don’t want to?” Her glare got strong. “Starvation to death is not a great idea for suicide and who knows better than you” She pointed her eyes on the cuts on my hands.
Yes, who knew better than me? My self-death experience taught me that it takes a lot of courage to face death. Sometimes even heights of stupidity.
“Jane those are almost gone, so please” I pointed my index finger while she smiled. “And, you know why I don’t want to go, that hideous Lizzie and her mother, they’ll eat my brain instead of their breakfast!” I winced. She chuckled.
“Well, they are almost ate their breakfast, so your head is safe today.” She smiled. “C’mon, Nats, you know, they are nice people. Plus, they are your father’s choice, he accepted yours, you have to accept his.” She placed her hands on my shoulders and rolled her sympathetic eyes on me.
“What choice he accepted of mine? Care to explain?” I freed myself from her grab and placed my hand on my waist and widened my eyes. She sighed.
“You know, the time you would waste arguing with me, your stomach might stop growling.” She explained, trying to test my stubbornness. Unfortunately, my stubbornness couldn’t last in front of her.
“Okay Fine! But if that mother-daughter duo tried to eat my head up, I swear to god, you’re dead!” I growled. Though my tone was hard and harsh, she somewhat found humor in it too. She chuckled! I showed her a confused expression and then she busted into laughter. What now?
“What?!” I snapped back. I was already pissed off by the idea of having breakfast with my step-family. Oops, my legal family. Jane would never allow me to use the word ‘step’ in my family relations. Of course I did have a real family, the one in India, but this one was just to show the details of parental care in my official documents. I sighed.
“Will you do the extraordinary honor of leaving this room and having food with your mother and sister?” I pointed her hands towards the gate of the room. And I could see her glare getting harder.
“Will do, my majesty!” I bowed sarcastically just to lighten her glare. She chuckled.
So, I marched towards the dining room, hopefully to return alive. It was because so I had a ‘family’ downstairs waiting for me. I snorted at that thought. As I passed by the French windows which adorned the corridor, many people were adjusting the curtains and vases on the stools nearby.
“Good morning” A fair skinned, short and absolutely gorgeous woman smiled and wished. Damn! I remembered her face but forgot her name. Angelina? No. She is tall. Kate? Nah! Kate is coffee skinned. Who was she? I shrugged. I plainly smiled back, not objecting myself to the embarrassment of asking he name.
As I paced forward, I was bombarded with these wishes, which were replied by a forced smile.
So, before entering the dining hall, I prayed to god to please make me return my room. Alive. But apparently I was sent or commanded by the person whom I should be commanding.
Apparently, I stepped into that room in a stylish way that I almost tripped while entering and broke the vases.
“Damn! What is this? A house or a vase exhibition?” I screamed aloud. The vase broke near my feet, but no injuries caused. However I was extremely irritated with this omen. Bad omen. I knew the day had started bad.
“Are you sweet honey?” A sweet voice made me look upward, because I was engrossed with my leg and disappointed that I wasn’t hurt. Yeah! disappointed. I wish I could end up in a nice paid holiday and do have a reason not to go to school. But whatever! Sweet voice! Here we introduced you!
This sweet belonged to my ‘legal mother’. Fair skinned, blond hair, elegant dressing, and even her wrinkles adorned her skin. For a second, I was spellbound by her beauty.
I remembered the day I met her. Jane made me met her. Though it was just a year I came down to London, my father fell in love. Kristen Barrymore. Or Kristen Oberoi now.
I’ll be truthful; she did try to fill the emptiness in my life. She was no step monster. But who was made me hate her.
Her daughter, Elizabeth Barrymore, or in my words the ‘Hideous Lizzie’ or ‘Step monster’. Jane agreed with me in this part. She didn’t like her either. And for the love of the holy, she didn’t forced me upon her.
Though I was around 5’2”, Lizzie was even smaller than me. Just like a small monster. Fair skinned like her mother, brown hair but even wrinkles will be ashamed even to spoil her face. Moreover her pretentious attitude made me sick of her. Ugh!
“Oh! Sleepy head! You’re awake!” Lizzie pitched her voice in such a hideous way that made my face turn into a maze. I just simply kept walking towards my chair, and I could swear on anything that her sweet mother elbowed her. “What?” She whispered. I wasn’t even interested to eavesdrop at their conversation, though my ears were perfect enough to hear them.
“Be nice!” Her mother rolled her eyes over her little piece of monster and I knew she might be ignoring her mother. Poor soul! Her mother!
“So, how was your sleep, sleepyhead?” She again pitched her voice sky-high. Ugh! What was her problem? Couldn’t she just eat in peace and let me do the same? However, I was in full swing to argue, thanks to Jane.
“Um… better than your voice!” I spoke. Her face, which had a smug, now suddenly turned into sudden losing smile. Drake, who was standing behind her, snorted loudly, while her mother smiled. She both gave them a good glare. Her defeat was something she couldn’t tolerate.
Though half the time I wouldn’t remember my servant’s names, some stuck hard. Drake was one of them. He used to take of all the normal things I need and sometimes walk across the lawn, telling his stories. Drake was an interesting man. He had lots of hobbies and talents. His perfectly wrinkled face reminded me of my grandfather while he always said I remind him of his long-lost granddaughter.
When I first came to London, B.J., that means Before Jane, he only handled my madness. I used to come from school and crap his head with all my shit in the backyard of the kitchen. He heard when Jane used to make me do all sorts of poses of yoga and I used to crib to him how I hated them. He was a very good listener. Is actually. But in last months, with my graduation pacing towards me, Jane forced me to study while he was busy with his work. He is the butler of the house. Then finally I gave him the chance to speak up and all he used to say that, “My daughter, some decades back, had same issues like you.”
He had a daughter and I still remember how he used to describe her, “She was as beautiful like a garden of beautiful roses. Many men, in the village, were spellbound by her beauty. But she chooses the poorest of all. We weren’t rich either, but not that poor. But I accepted her choice; she was a child no more. God was merciful and blessed us with a beautiful baby girl, but misfortune struck us when we came to this bustling town; happiness vanished when they died all in an accident. I worked everywhere I could, but my age wasn’t allowing until I ended here. That’s all.”
His favorite, or should I say ours, was Shakespeare’s Sonnet 55, Not Marble, nor the Glided Monuments. It was always beautiful to apprehend him. It always felt he recited a verse from poem. His manly voice and British accent made that Sonnet even more heart wrenching.
I wasn’t and not until now used to people doing all sorts of stuff which I should do. Except a few. Oh c’mon! There are exceptions to every fact.
“What are you LAUGHING AT?” Lizzie shouted at Drake when he lowered his head. Her hideous voice brought me back to the moment. According to that hideous creature, she was the picture perfect thing the world could ever behold. Her beady eyes and useless expression get my blood gushing to hit her. If I wasn’t afraid of going to jail, I swear her footprints would never set into this world.
However, she had some things I envied her for. She had Richard, her man who would sacrifice the world for her. Seriously like finding such a person in this century was like find a genie in this century. And she was different with him. Maybe faking it but she seemed really nice at that time. I immediately snapped out. What am I thinking? Good things about her. Has my brain got all weird?
.And she had a mother. She had a mother. That was enough to make me envious.
“Hey, he wasn’t laughing at you” I snapped my fingers to get her attention. “He was laughing at my joke.” I rolled my eyes over her. I had already helped myself with milk and cereal because everything seemed so complicated. Thanks to Drake, he always ordered the chefs make the presentations more important because that Lizzie believed, ‘Eyes feast on the food first’. I sighed at the thought.
“Oh! But your joke was about ME” She snapped back at me. I raised my eyebrows. I thought I would need some time to get some witty answer, but my mood made my brain work twice in this matter. Arguing was in the air for me.
“Well, you got to learn how to tolerate when someone speaks the truth.” I shrugged. Her eyes went red with fury and hers fists clenched. However, I was not scared of her
“Girls!” Her mother spoke in a firm voice. “Lizzie, Behave! Speak nicely.” She lowered her tone. She turned to me to fake a smile, I responded nothing. Why would I? Enough with the cereal. Get up and move out!
Thankfully, my cereal was pretty over as my anger and aggression made me eat like a mania. Finally I finished my meal and headed out without disturbing anyone’s conversation. Though I tried my best to escape both the mother daughter duo, the scathed eye caught me.
“Hey, headed again to sleep?” The same tone what she made when I entered here.
“Ah…. None of your business though!”I fake smiled and went out.
“Ugh! Jane! I am gonna kill you!” I muttered under my breath. By the rate I was hyperventilating, I could have turned into a psycho-killer.
Though breakfast was not such havoc, sitting with that hideous creature was like a nightmare come true. And thanks to those instincts, I didn’t fill myself even a quarter of my hunger. My stomach didn’t rumble but was jumping with hunger.
I decided to have something outside, since home wasn’t the best place to be. I decided to message Jane, that if she had any plans with me she might call me or else I am free. I ran through the pockets of my jeans. My phone wasn’t there. Both the pockets. Check. Where is it then?
“What the… Oh Shit! C’mon you gotta be kidding me!” I ran up to my room. Ugh I absolutely forgot about my boyfriend.
I had two boyfriends, my phone and my laptop. My laptop’s anniversary was on 7 November 2012 and my phone’s 17 June 2014. I know it’s weird because who hooks up with technology’s devices. But they were with me, loyal and trouble free, all for years. Nowadays, not even real boyfriends can’t do that.
I entered my room and found my phone on the desk. I rushed to it.
“There you are. Let’s check if I got a message” I pressed the power button. One message was waiting for my attention.
“Jane?” I made a face. What’s her emergency now? Did someone murdered before me? Did I miss my chance? Damn! I opened up the message.
I am sending James, don’t mess with him. He’s gonna drive and you’re not. Don’t be late. He knows where to go.
I replied back.
Jane, I have a driving license. And I have reached the age of legal driving. You’re not fair at all.
James was Jane’s trusted driver, which she as always forced upon me. James was also like Drake. He dropped and picked me from school. He even taught me driving. We used to speak a lot while home back. In the morning, he is too tired to talk and I’m too sleepy. But afternoons were the times when we used to talk. Music, theatre, love, sex. Yeah he talked sex to a 15 year old. He was a pretty cool guy. And he started the sex talk like, “Do you know how you’re born?” Seriously, he’s a dude.
He never really wanted to talk about his past, so I never pestered. He had a big bald spot on his head with hair growing at the sides. He was out for a couple of days, but with Jane’s words, my 3rd boyfriend was in my town. Actually 4th. Drake was there too.
I climbed down the stairs and went straight out of the gate. I found James standing next to his car. I raised my hands in despair. He raised his hand in ‘what can I do’ expression.
“That’s not fair. We all know I can drive. C’mon baby. Please. Look at this it’s so sexy.” I pointed at the black SUV. It was really sexy.
“But I am ordered. Sorry baby.” He replied with a wicked smile.
“But…I can bribe you!” I made a wicked face and began to search my pockets. Honestly I was money- less. I didn’t carried money very often. Except when I eat Jane’s head to give me some when I was 15. But today was the day when Jane was sponsoring my food so I didn’t carry today. However I forgot that I have a driver to bribe.
“Seems like you’re out of money.” He wickedly smiled and spoke after my unsuccessful attempts to let him leave Jane’s side. “Any ways I am ordered.” He spoke firmly.
“Please?”
“No!” A firm voice went in my ears this time. He gave me a strong glare.
“Fine!” I sighed out and sat in the car. He smiled wickedly.
“What are you smiling at?” I made out a tone to tease him. Really that bothered me.
“Nothing! Just watching how helpless you’re!” James exclaimed with joy.
“Don’t fire my hate for Jane” I muttered under my breath while he laughed all way to his sea.
“Okay, kiddo.” He sat in the car’s driver seat and tapped the accelerator.
I didn’t keep the track of time when I was in the car, which was surprising for me, because I am quite a time freak. Not like I am really punctual, it’s just I keep a great track of it. However, I was in my phone, like normal teenager do, but a few minutes just kept it off and looked at the great view. And yeah despite having a phone on, I didn’t notice the time.
While all this time being in this foreign city, all I could get that this land was foreign to me. Indians down in India cribbed to live or at least visit outside India. Trust me, even I felt around when I used to live in India.
I have lived here for 4 years, and I mentally patted my patience for that. But all these roads, people, buildings, they are still foreign.
I didn’t ask James where we were going, because the weather was good and I wanted to enjoy it. However when we reached, I knew why we here.
It was very common. Whenever saw me wearing same stuff, she swore she would get me new clothes. Ugh! I hated this. Buying clothes. I didn’t know what girls found in shopping clothes. And the bad part was, changing in the trial rooms again and again.
Earlier Jane had a problem with my size as I couldn’t get into even 2XL size. But now when she only solved the problem, I didn’t know why she brought me. I could get somewhere to feed my starving stomach, but no, now I have to feed clothes.
“Get off, kid! We have reached” James broke off the silence and turned back. “I think we reached someplace wrong.” I spoke, thinking of the irritation that will be caused in next couple of minutes.
“Oh C’mon kid! This trick has gotten boring as hell. This is where you’re Jane said to leave! So get off!” James voice got a bit irritated.
“Things are going serious with Emma, isn’t it? You’re going to meet her. You’re getting me off. Baby you betrayed me.” I wiped off a fake tear to show him.
“Aww! I’ll never think of leaving you! But how did you gu… I mean….” James flushed pink while talking. I knew my guess was absolutely correct.
“Aww… Hard boy is blushing! She is definitely something. But don’t worry! I wouldn’t tell Jane where you will be going. But… Only one condition! You will let me drive! Test my newly acquired skills” I wickedly smiled.
“Ask my boss! I am ok with your condition!” He was smarter than me.
“Ugh James! I loathe you!”
“And I love that! Get out of the car!”
I got off the car and James drove off. I knew he might get himself some food only. He wouldn’t go and meet Emma.
Emma was his new girlfriend and things were finally falling in place for him. All 4 years, he tried into numerous girlfriends, some cheating on him or some leaving him for his job. He was going to be 40 this august and still searching ‘The One’. Emma was a sweet pick. She was a widowed librarian and part time nanny. James met her in… well library. She was new down there and they met and the rest is unknown to me. She was extremely gorgeous, even in that simple pink skirt and green blouse when I met her first time. Her slender body shape and beautiful features were so good that her aging wrinkles suited her.
I sighed.
“Let’s get over this!” I sighed and rushed for the entrance.
When I entered, I saw Jane fiddling with some piece of clothing. She was eating something. She hadn’t changed her clothes from this morning which was a surprise as it was her regular habit to change clothes in every 4 hours. She was wearing same white top and jeans, her blond hair open.
“Jane!” I groaned. She looked up to me.
“Oh there are you! See I have got you things to get you out of that floral top!” She again pointed at my clothing which was irritating.
“C’mon! I have got enough clothes! I don’t need any!” I threw my hands in despair.
“Oh! They have turned to your night suits! And then you don’t have many clothes to go to India even for one day!” Jane exclaimed in angry tone.
“India?” I questioned and then my expression turned to realization expression. “India!” I gasped.
How can I forget that? I had to go to India tomorrow. How can I? This was planned for weeks and I forgot. Damn!
“See, told ya! I knew you would forget.” Jane had her ‘see-I-told-you-attitude’ attitude which I didn’t want to see.
“Oh c’mon Jane! I am human and humans can forget things.” I snapped back.
“Humans don’t forget when they have to go home.” She added sarcastically.
“Nowhere is my home.” I muttered.
After an hour of clothes test and trial, Jane finally called it off. I couldn’t be happier when she said, “Ok, I think we’re done!”
“Holy lord! Thanks for the mercy, Jane!” I exclaimed.
“Whatever!” She snapped back.
“So what’s the plan ahead for me? What tortures you have stored for me?” I said, or teased so she gets pissed. Oh c’mon, I deserve to piss her after all this non-sense of buying clothes.
“You can go for walk! Your yoga teacher is not feeling well!”
“I am terribly hungry, Jane! I need to feed myself!”
“What? You didn’t have anything at home?”
“Um… I had…but not enough…. Look Jane! I can’t handle that Lizzie! I hate her! I can’t tolerate…. So I thought… maybe I can eat somewhere else… And plus, star bucks is just near. I can have anything.”
Jane gave me a strong glare that freaked the hell out of me. I almost thought today is ban for me for food. I could mentally wave food goodbye for this day.
“Okay! I am going to head home and see your packing. I know you wouldn’t have packed anything. So I go to see that!” She snapped back, thankfully allowing me to eat something. Bu then I forgot the basic thing to buy food.
“Jane!”
“What?”
“Um… I forgot to bring my wallet. Can I have some money?”
She raised her eyebrow, and then sighed.
“Pretty please?”
“Okay!” She handed me some amount. “Should I send James?”
“Let me drive” I pleaded.
“Nope!”
“C’mon Jane! I want to!”
“No means no”
“I won’t come home than!” I folded my hands against my chest.
“What the hell is that?”
“An attempt to threaten you and fulfill my wish”
“Ugh Natasha, my job will be gone if you won’t be home!”
“I don’t care.”
She made a pitiful face. And to be honest, I could have let loose my wish.
“That face has stopped working a long time back.” But I was more stubborn than she could ever be.
“Ok! Do whatever you want to!” She raised her hands in despair.
“Call James and tell him!”
“What?!”
“Call James and tell him to give me the car!” I intensified my tone.
“Why don’t you call?” Now she folded her hands against her chest.
“Cause he is absurd to the point of absurdity and will only listen to you only. So call now!”
“Ugh Natasha! You’re so whiny and stubborn!”
“Glad to hear that!” I smiled. She took out her phone from her pocket, which belonged from the dark ages and pressed the buttons.
“Can you ever change that phone? It’s a century old.” I asked with a frown on my face.
“Do you want me to call?” She asked me more sarcastically while putting the phone on her ears. “Hello, James… Yeah, Natasha is with me….Listen bring the car to the Starbucks near about 20 minutes later… and let the kid drive… Oh don’t be so happy…. Yes you’re free after that… say hi to Emma…Ya Bye” She punched the red button to end the call.
“He’s with Emma?” My voice was shocked because I almost believed myself that he will not meet her.
“Yes! They were taking a walk! Be finished in 20 minutes. And have the coffee sugar free. And don’t have anything fatty…” She spoke while still looking at the phone.
“Yeah Thanks!” I jumped and then walked toward the gate to get out of the place.
“Be safe with the driving!” Jane screamed but I could faintly hear her as the glass door stopped her voice to come.
The outside weather was about 21*C, which was pretty hot. The café was just near to the shop I was in, Dorothy Perkins. It was typical June weather. I inhaled the air and started walking. I was wearing my favorite sneakers, the one Jane loathes, but I loved them.
I entered the café, which smelled food and which fired my hunger. I could feel acid running in my throat. A few minutes, I would faint here only. But I was interrupted by some familiar voice.
“Natasha Oberoi?” A honey coated female voice came in because I had past 3 tables without looking. It seemed so familiar. I turned back to see who was it.
“Jessica?” I pointed my finger to recognize. I just made a random guess.
“Natasha!” She got up and hugged me so hard that breathing seemed like a distant dream.
Jessica Smith. She was the topper of our batch. She was about the same height as mine, fair skinned and though I was not zero figure, she was bit plump than me. She dressed simple; jeans, blue top while her hair tied in loose pony tail.
Though she didn’t have many friends and was forever single like me, she cried a hell lot on the last day and the graduation day. Maybe she was more positive about school while I would have traded my soul to get the hell out of that place. She was tad bit different from the plastic girls of the school that’s why she sometimes used to talk about studies to me. But sometimes her infectious energy and positivity made me a bit of positive.
Returning back to the hug, my hands stuck at the ends of her body which should have reached her back to hug her back. But by god’s mercy, the breath-taking hug ended after 5 seconds, leaving me yearning for oxygen.
“It’s so good to see you, after weeks!” She sighed. “Gosh, you look pretty!” She exclaimed. “Come and sit!” She pointed towards the seat she left few seconds. We both sat down on the wooden furniture.
“It’s good to see you too. And you look pretty too.” I smiled and greeted.
“Will you have coffee? And some Bacon Buttie?” She asked politely.
“Yeah, sure!”Now even my voice was squeaking. Hunger was now literally rattling all my organs now. It felt like she was an angel waiting for me. Though I knew I had to pay for it. After she ordered an awkward silence filled in, which I was surprised as I expected a super loud conversation after that breath- taking hug.
“So Jessica I wa-” I began to fill the silence with words but she interrupted in between.
“Oh please! Don’t say the whole name. Just call me Jess!” She smiled sheepishly. “So, how’s everything?” Suddenly she overtook my place in the conversation which I was glad to happily give her.
“Good!” I replied. “What about your result?” I knew hers might be the best in class, considering mine was about average, thanks to my habit comparing to everyone’s qualities.
“Good! And have you thought about college?” Her tone became worried. It was as if she wanted my answer desperately. But I was surprised that she didn’t asked back as a courtesy.
“Um… no it’s just two weeks. The graduation, you know. I don’t think so…any.” Jane and I had some heated arguments since graduation was pacing so fast and I didn’t even have a faint idea of college or future. At first she thought I might join my father’s company, but I was not interested in any business or something. But then I was intrigued by the idea of opening of café and running it. I don’t know what pleasure I found feeding people.
“What about you? You must have got your acceptance letter, right?” I tried to soften her mood and tone.
“Actually, that’s what I wanted to talk. Remember the University of California exchange program?” She spoke in a smooth but still worried tone.
“Umm…..” I searched my memories to find, “Yeah! That five students will be selected and about 7 will go and…”I remembered a bit as I was randomly reading it on the notice board, but left reading in the middle as I was not at all interested in some last minute exchange, “…you were the student head of the program, no? How’s it going?”
“Pretty bad.” Her face fell down.
“Why? I mean its California right.” I raised my eyebrow.
“Actually it was last minute announced, students had already decided about their colleges!” Her face fell and she began to randomly stir her coffee. My coffee and Buttie arrived at that time. The buttie was just like a burger, only with bacon stuffed. When I began to eat, heaven filled in my mouth. Maybe the exercise that Jane gave me with her trial of clothes, the milk and cereal might have even digested in that process.
“Oh…”
“Natasha!” She gasped.
“What?” I got worried.
“You come with us. One of us has backed out, and I was thinking of another name. You have A* in English, right? You might get in.” She suddenly held one of my hands and spoke while thinking.
“Huh?” Shock gripped my face.
“Look, this foreign exchange is more of a scholarship program. You go there, live with one of their students for 2 months, watch their culture and learning, and they find your behavior and grades good enough… they take you as their student! I have got a letter down here.” She spoke confidently while my eyes popped out.
She searched her bag and came out with a huge white envelope. It stated in big letter ‘University of California exchange program’. I cleared my throat.
“Ahem… Wasn’t this an ‘apply and select’ program?” I spoke out of shock.
“Oh Yeah! But with lack of students, this became a ‘grab and handover’ program.” She spoke sarcastically.
I took the envelope and took a close look at it. It was more of a brochure envelope to hypnotize students with its beauty. But what will I do in English? And what will I do with the degree? Maybe she was right. I could at least have a degree. Plus California is a gorgeous city. But whom will I live with? A million revolved around my head. I kept on staring the envelope as confusion gripped me.
The ring of my phone broke my chain of questions in my mind.
“Um… Excuse me.” I held my phone and unlocked the screen. It was message. From James.
I am in front of the café. Done?
I replied back.
Give me five minutes. I’ll be there.
I didn’t know when these 20 minutes flew away. I had just discussed college with my school mate. I was done with my Buttie and a lit bit coffee was left. I turned to Jess, who was now waiting for my reaction.
“Um… listen, tomorrow, I am going to India. You so can I tell you like a bit…. You know… I am in a bit of rush”
“Yeah. Yeah sure! Just tell me before next week. The details are inside and there’s my number behind. Call me if you have any queries.” She replied with a smile while I got up.
“I’ll take care of it. Nice meeting you. Bye.” I smiled.
“Bye.” She replied.
I was seated downstairs of the café so I just rushed out. A black SUV with James was waiting for me.
“Watch out for traffic. You know the rule. And…” James was having a long list of precautions for me.
“James, you have seen me driving and I have driven before. Just hand me the keys.” I cupped my hands so that he could give me the keys.
“Okay kiddo. There you go.” He dropped the keys in my hand. “What’s with the envelope?” He pointed out the envelope.
“Still trying to figure out!” I chuckled. “You are coming with me?” I asked.
“No… actually…. I have a lady waiting.” He scratched his head and began to blush, “I’ll take the bus.”
“Oh Hard boy! You seem like smitten in love!’ I elbowed him to tease him. I opened the gate of the car and finally sat behind the wheel. “Okay, I will reach home safely. Don’t worry. Bye.” I chuckled.
“Bye!” He stood there and smiled while I turned the engine on. The engine roared to life.
“Finally I’ve got you, baby!” I muttered under my breath. I fixed up the gear and finally taped the accelerator.
I was staring outside my room’s window for a long time. The perfectly mowed garden and the beautiful bushes of flowers took my attention. The crossing was now bustling, as it was the office time. The sky was purple and the sun was setting. It was sometimes peaceful to just watch outside and think.
Then I finally let my eyes go for the big envelope which Jess gave me this morning. The envelope was lying on the desk. I had not opened it, considering I’ll when Jane will arrive. Jane and I never really meet in the evening as 8:00pm was her off time. Yet sometimes she used to stay, especially those days when I was suffering from mental health problem. But she had messaged me that she’ll be late as she has to meet my father for some discussion, so she’ll be late.
I could not hold my patience and went up to my desk, grabbed the envelope and tear its seal. At first, there was a letter with our school’s watermark, neatly folded. I kept the rest of the contents on the desk. I unfolded the letter and began reading it.
The letter stated the following:
Dear Student,
Congratulations on your selection to this exchange program. We have selected you on the basis of your grades and your interview with the panel committee.
The following contents of this letter are a brochure of the prestigious ‘University of California’ and more details of this exchange. Please take notice of the University letters and list of formalities you need to take care of.
We are delighted to have you with us. Below are the contacts of the student head and teacher head of the program. Heartiest congratulations again on your selection.
Sincerely,
The Principal.
I almost forgot that this was the welcoming letter. I emptied the contents of the letter. There was a brochure, a welcoming letter from the university, visa formalities. I opened up the welcoming letter from the university.
Student,
Here at the University of California, we welcome freshmen with the curiosity, enthusiasm and intellectual vitality to shape the 21st century.
UC freshmen come from all over California and throughout the world, from every culture and ethnicity and from across the economic spectrum. Every year, they arrive on our campuses nearly 40,000 strong — ready for challenge and discovery.
The exchange program with William Smith High School is to discover students who have just graduated and are looking for a college, to make the application and settling process easy for the students. We are delighted to take 5 of students from this prestigious school as our freshmen.
You’ll be living with one of your selected subject student, studying our culture and environment for 2 months this fall. On the basis of your behavior and grades of your high school, we’ll be selecting students.
This exchange will also help the freshmen to discover their seniors and befriend them for more experience and advice.
Hope to see you this fall.
With Regards,
University of California.
After reading both letters, fear ran down my spine. Living with some kind of stranger for whole 2 months, this thought made me crib. I had never imagined my life so responsibly. I was around 18 and for the first time felt responsible for studies. Moreover, the thought only created a big hole of homesickness in my chest.
I had never considered this place as my home, but reading these letters made me feel homely here. I sat down the chair, rather should say, fell down on the chair due to the stupid feel. “No, I wouldn’t go.” I muttered. No, I wouldn’t. I am scared. I’ll study here. Do something here. Jane, Drake, James all will be here. I won’t. No I won’t.
The room suddenly felt silent that I could only hear my heartbeat, beating like a crazy maniac because of fear. I gulped down. It felt so stupid and as well as scared. Sighs went out of my lungs and sudden images of the whole house and these people began to fill in. 4 years made this place my home and I couldn’t get even?
I had moved from India like 4 years back and it was so hard to pack up and settle down here. I suffered because of it. And now this place became my home?!
A sudden confidence began to enter my body. If I settled here, why I couldn’t settle there? But again the stupid fear began to grip my internal system. Ugh. But then, by god’s grace, the silence in the room was disturbed.
“You wanted talk?” Jane’s voice came in the room. Finally, my mind was distracted from that stupid storm of homesickness and realization. But her voice seemed irritated.
“What happened? Why are you so irritated?”
“Nothing. What is this, letters?” She spoke as she walked near me and picked up the letter which was dropped by shock.
After five minutes of reading both the letters, her expression shifted from irritated to shock. Happy shock actually.
“What is this? You’re… when…you never….Oh my…. I mean…. You were all serious this time so… oh my… dear!” She covered her mouth to express her joy over such a petite matter.
“Oh no Jane! I didn’t even apply for it. Today I met this girl from school, she literally dragged me into this and thanks to your time limit, and I couldn’t refuse her. I couldn’t have kept James waiting as he had a lady waiting. I am gonna call that dick head and refuse her!” Words spurted out of as if all these previous feels were useless and life was better in London.
“Are you crazy? You are never gonna do that! I am gonna talk to your father about his. He is definitely sending you in. And I know you’re gonna impress those people. Have you thought about the degrees….” She began her blabbering all over again.
“Listen Jane! I am not doing this!” I raised my hands to signal no.
“Why not?” Her forehead turned into frown.
“I don’t know! What if they don’t select me?”
“Of course they will! You’re perfect for them!”
“Jane…”
“Did you have something?” She tried to change the subject, which was not very she. She liked to argue over topics which included me, especially one related to my further education.
“Drake’s bringing in something. I don’t know! And please for heaven sake; don’t make me sit next to those monsters. I’m ok being here” I was ok with her subject change as I was already exhausted with those stupid feels. I sighed and sat down at the bed.
“Hm. Ok. Listen I have get to home. Mom is not well today. Can I take this and give your father this?”Jane’s mom had some back problem. Jane was her only child and Jane’s dad died before I moved here. She never went into this topic, as it was not her favorite one. Of course I could understand, parents are a touchy topic for me too. “But it will be fine if we talk about this California thing…” Nope she was in herself only. I was wrong.
“Go!” I commanded and she turned and went, though she stopped by the gate.
“Eat nicely. Good night!” She said and closed the door.
Now it was again this room and me. But instead of being thoughtful all over, I got up and went up to my diary. Feathers. It was its name. It was a beautiful bright pink diary with quills doodled on it. It was not torn or old, but a bit used.
It was my wish list diary. The things I wish, I just write them down and then thought that in the future I might laugh at them. It was more of a bucket list. If this was ever revealed to anyone, then they might have actually thought I am sort a mental creature. I chuckled at my own thought .I just went to it and flipped its pages when Drake entered.
“Dinner mam!” His sweet voice filled into the room. I turned around to see him.
“What’s in it?” I walked up to him while he came in with a tray and placed it on my bed. I also sat on the bed while he crossed his hands and stood like a loyal servant. Showoff, I thought.
“Fish and chips with mushy peas!” He exclaimed while I already began to gorge in the food. I was pretty hungry.After 10 minutes, I wiped my face with the napkin. When he began to clean up and go, I stopped him.
“Drake, Can you make me hear Sonnet 55 by Shakespeare in your sweet voice?” I folded my hand to signal please. He had turned his back to leave, which I thought he might turn around.
“I think it’s your bedtime.” He replied in a harsh tone, still his back turned on me.
“Oh c’mon! You know I am not sleepy and your voice and sonnet make me drift into sleep. Pretty please?” I pleaded and his expression softened.
“Just one time.” He replied with his finger raised.
“Just one time! I swear!” I replied back, “I’ll go and brush my teeth. You make your comfortable.” I quickly ran to the bathroom to get the mushy peas out of my teeth.
I took my brush, quickly applied paste on it and brushed hard. While brushing, I began to study myself. I was wearing orange tank top with pink shorts, with hair open.
I quickly spitted the paste out and wiped the water off my mouth and then went back to the room. Drake was sitting on a stool at the bottom my bed, waiting impatiently.
“Here I am.” I said on my way to the bed, “Please start.” I sat my bed with my legs crossed.
“Lie down.” He said in firm tone.
“What?” I frowned.
“Lie down, so you will fall into sleep.” He pointed towards the pillow. I made a face and then did lie down. He began to sing.
“Not marble, nor the gilded monuments
Of princes, shall outlive this powerful rhyme;
But you shall shine more bright in these contents
Than unswept stone, besmear'd with sluttish time.
When wasteful war shall statues overturn,
And broils root out the work of masonry,
Nor Mars his sword nor war's quick fire shall burn
The living record of your memory.
'Gainst death and all-oblivious enmity
Shall you pace forth; your praise shall still find room
Even in the eyes of all posterity
That wear this world out to the ending doom.
So, till the judgment that yourself arise,
You live in this, and dwell in lovers' eyes.”
With Drake’s beautiful voice and the beauty of the words, I began to review today’s day. How did the day begun, How I had a disastrous breakfast, How did the cloth shopping went, How did I ran into Jess, how she banged me with this college idea, and how I suddenly began to feel like home here. You live in this, and dwell in lovers' eyes. My mind was stuck into that line. And suddenly a sharp feel of loneliness was felt in my stomach. Did I actually subjected myself to this loneliness or is it fated?
It was only 2 weeks since my graduation, and I was really happy that there was no uneasy feel, tension about school. But I had new tension, tension what to reply to Jess. Maybe I’ll say I am busy this fall. Or that I have already decided about college, I was just trying to find out yours. But what’s the big deal with California? It’s a beautiful city and I might befriend some seniors. It is a college and you have to face it. Like it or not. Or it might be a good experience outside London and India, the only places I’ve been. Maybe I’ll say yes. My brain was agreed but my heart was scared.
With these thoughts and in hope to live tomorrow, I closed my eyes and then everything went black.