Confession

I have a confession to make. I’ve killed someone. I wish I had a choice but I never had any.

Let me take you one year back. I was doing my third year of engineering then. It was supposed to be a special day for me –I had decided to confess my love to Anika. Anika was a sweet little angel .She remained quiet, always.

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The first time I noticed her was in my second year during a tiring lab session. She looked desperate. Maybe her code wasn’t working properly – whatever –I didn’t care about that. But I wanted her to stay like that - the more desperate she was, the more beautiful she looked .Though I had been attracted to quite a few girls before, this was something divine. I couldn’t wait any longer after the lab session, so I directly went to her. I told her my name and asked her why she had been so gloomy all that time. She smiled, took out a paper, wrote something and gave it to me .“Hi, I’m Anika. The lab didn’t go that easy –and I was all alone – couldn’t even ask for anyone’s help .” I just didn’t know how to respond. I faked a smile and I left. I couldn’t sleep that night .A lot of thoughts kept coming to my mind that night – why did I leave her just like that –I should’ve spoken to her more. She looked as if she had very few friends. I decided to be one – to be exact, much more than a friend. The next morning, I planned a surprise for her . I wished her a ‘Good Morning’ and then ‘How are you?’ – all in sign language. Then came the most precious moment of my life – I saw her eyes getting wet and then came her trademark smile -My God! –why don’t you just kill me- that smile was out of this planet. That was just the beginning of the happiest days of my life .We became friends, good friends and then best friends !

As days and months passed, my love for her grew. Though she couldn’t speak, I could pick up words from her eyes. I was becoming her better half. But my mind kept nagging me. “ She is a girl. So are you. Do you think she’ll even remain your friend after she comes to know your secret ?” But I wasn’t ready to step back .Even I’m a girl .How long can I hide my emotions? I decided to end the commotion in my mind.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------She had worn her black salwar that day – my favourite. Though I had made up my mind, I felt tensed. Before I started, she held my hands. She showed me a picture in her phone .It was Anirudh – our senior .He was smart, handsome and intelligent. Her eyes told me the rest. Though I was dying inside, I told her that I would help her with this.

Once back at home, I cried and cried and cried. Then, I thought about her .Such a nice girl .She hadn’t asked anything from me till then. She was quite happy with the way things were happening with her. She never complained about anything. Now, she had a dream. And I knew I was the only one who could help her. She was still the love of my life and I would do anything for her.

She became his friend on Facebook and started chatting with him. She didn’t tell him that she was mute .Instead, I spoke on her behalf. We wanted to make sure he was trustworthy. I spoke with him for hours on phone and he seemed to be a good guy –the perfect match for her. Though she was getting far from me, I felt content when I saw her happiness. And finally we decided to let him know the truth. We met him at CCD on a nice Sunday morning. He was quite surprised at the beginning to find out that I had been the one he had been talking to .But he regained his composure soon enough. They couldn’t speak to each other because he didn’t know the sign language. So, I controlled the conversations that day. Later on, we met up several times and the friendship grew among us.

And finally, she confessed her love for him. He was happy for her. But still, he looked worried. That evening, he rang me up. “Anika is a great person. There is no reason on earth that I don’t love her. Yes, I do love her. But I’ve loved her through you .For me, she is incomplete without you. So when I tell you I love ‘her’, I really don’t know if I mean ‘her’ or ‘you’ ”. I was shocked. I tried convincing him how deeply she loved him and all those lovely words I spoke were actually hers.

Too many thoughts upset me that night. They made a great pair and I felt my presence disturbed the entire equilibrium. Anirudh - he might always feel her incomplete as long as I stayed in their lives. What if he felt it was me whom he actually loved ? No, that should never happen. And Anika – that silly girl would simply be devastated if she came to know about what he said.

Yes! I’ve made up my mind. I am the only one who can end this. And I chose to kill myself-for my little angel.