"It feels weird when we kiss."
"Would you mind if we had a more friendly relationship?"
"The time apart, made me think and I realized this isn't right, at all. Sorry."
These words circulated in my mind without any trace of disappearing. I stared blankly at my cold blue wall and wondered what I was currently feeling. What was this strange feeling in my chest? Was I feeling heartbroken? Was I feeling relieved? Did I feel anything at all?
"Hey, it's late. You have school tomorrow, so you better go to bed, young lady," My mother scolded me as she closed my bedroom, switching the lights off in the process. Now, not only was I alone, but I was covered in pitch darkness as well. For a second I wondered whenever shutting off from any visual subject would help my mind sort itself out, unfortunately, I believe it made matters worse than they actually were. I waited and waited, trying to think, trying to figure something, at least a glimpse of my feelings, out. After the second morning hour passed I was feeling worse and worse. I couldn't hear any noises, so my parents had to be asleep by now. I sneaked out of my room and into the kitchen, where my father's secret stash of alcohol was hidden. I pulled out the vodka bottle and started to pour myself a shot. As the hot liquid flowed down my throat it warmed every inch of it. I could feel the warmth spread through my body and suddenly I was feeling a tiny bit better. However, alcohol wasn't anything for me, so after the second shot, I stopped, since I felt the heavy urge to vomit rise in my inner parts.
Truth was, I was now even more lost than ever before.
Do I love him? Do I hate him? Do I also see him only as a friend?
Then a crazy thought penetrated my mind. What if I was feeling this confused only because of my own barriers? I always felt self-consious about myself. And the fact that someone, anyone could like me in a romantic way made me feel euphoric, almost posessed. I don't even like his personality. I find his coldness rude and his way of talking often annoying. Still...
...he did steal from me my first kiss.
What am I feeling? Do I feel sad that he rejected any romantic future we could have had together? Do I feel nothing at all? Do I miss his physical presence and kiss warm hugs and kisses?
What do I feel?
All I feel is confusion.