If I start keeping count of times I have tried to control my crying, I'd probably mark my diary once every week. Interestingly all those instances have been directed towards some significant other of my life and that's what makes it all the more disheartening. So many times I've found myself conform to the tradition notions of strength and weakness that sometimes in order to tell others that I'm strong I've to go to the extent of doing something as stupid as stopping myself from crying. Because don't they ask you to be strong by not crying? Crying means you're a baby who does not have a control over emotions and if that's the not the fuckall logic ever, I don't know what is. It makes me so furious. The other day my friend was distressed just because he wasn't able to cry so how difficult is it for someone to understand that crying gives you an outlet?
But for a long time, that's what I did. I held back my years and it had been so difficult because one way or the other it just comes out. From the break in your voice to the welled up eyes, sometimes holding back tears becomes rather a debacle that you have to withstand on top of the adversity you're already tackling.
Today when I think about it, I feel that why do I have to be sorry for something that I actually feel? Why do I have to feel sorry when I'm the strong one channelising my feelings through my tears? Nobody stopped me from jumping on the bed when I'm happy? So, today, I will cry and I will cry my heart out despite the fact that this is the ugliest my face can ever look and guess what I'll say when they call me weak?
"I am crying not because I consider crying my strength but because even if crying means I'm weak, that's okay."