"I have wondered why it is that some people are less affected and torn by the verities of life and death than others. Una’s death cut the earth from under Samuel’s feet and opened his defended keep and let in old age. On the other hand Liza, who surely loved her family as deeply as did her husband, was not destroyed or warped. Her life continued evenly. She felt sorrow but she survived it." (John Steinbeck, East of Eden)
Dear friend,
I understand that you are in pain. I am keeping a distance because I do not believe that my presence or my words will do you any good right now. With all the physical distance between us I cannot also simply be there for you and for that I do feel immense sorrow in my heart. I know it is in times like these, laden with unexpected bouts of pain, when we need our dear ones the most but I am convinced that my wayward outlook on matters of life and death are not what will bring you comfort or offer respite from your pain. But because these words brewing in my head refuse to leave me alone, I must find an outlet for them to breathe. They seem to have taken refuge in ink and paper.
My words might cause you great agony and you very well might hate me for them. I say this clearly right now, I make no attempts in understanding your grief. Do not accuse me of getting it all wrong. Grief, like fingerprints, is unique to each human; my grief no graver than yours and yours, no less heavier than mine. This is what I have to say to you.
Do not monopolize death. It isn't yours to keep and you are certainly not its only safe-keeper. Death happens to all; it comes and goes. You are not the only one who it affects and you are not the only one it takes people away from. I am sorry, but in this, you are no different than another being on this planet. Your grief and your sorrow don't outweigh another being's pain by any measure, that I have stressed upon already. You aren't the only one who feels deeply- each death which has come your way hasn't been only your loss.
You sit atop a hill, having climbed the mountain which has grown high only with hurt and suffering. There is just one view to look at from up there and it is dark, bleak and scary. But you, my friend, do not have to stop there. You should know that you can climb down that mountain and you probably should, before it is too late and the darkness has made you its own and the scare has settled in every cell of your body.
Sometimes, the end of certain people in our lives carries more significance than their ever having happened to us. I mean in no way to add a twisted edge to the death of people you have known but if that is the case and their absence is destined to play a larger role in your life, then you will have to accept it for what it is. Maybe their existence carried greater importance once they became one with the soil and the air than when they were mere flesh and bones.
You've taken each death so personally that it has left you rattled each time, more harshly than the last. You believe that now it is only that which defines you and without it you wouldn't know who you are or what you are. But love, the fear of the unknown, like death, unites us all. The anxiety and worry of not knowing who you are or will be without your soul crushing heartache can not be what keeps you living atop that hill of misery for the rest of your life. Death isn't personal. And your pain not the ultimate; not what is utmost. So give it a second thought and stop taking death personally. It is not worth it.
There's something more. Do not make people around you feel unworthy because you think that your sorrow trumps them all. Those who died and left you behind were also a part of other people's lives, just like they were a part of yours. A part. You do not have to be sad for them all. You do not get to be sad for them all. You do not get to make all of that hurt only yours. You simply don't because you have to let them hurt too, in their own ways. Do not shame them or their happy days because they were able to move on and you still haven't.
Your words and your actions define who you are. Your choices are a mirror to the essence of your character and reflect your inner being. When you actively invest in stranding yourself from joy and calm you will invariably attract the bad and sorrowful to you, reeling yourself into another whirlwind of ache and loss. So I beg you to not rip your heart out and crush your bones and puncture your lungs each time you are informed or become aware of death's win. No human can, or rather, no human should, live in a perpetual state of fear from impending doom. Death is mischievous and erratic- its occurrence will always be uncertain.
It will rest upon you at the end of the day, and only you, to muster courage to gather your broken pieces and learn to live with your losses, not despite them. It is the day when you will choose to better yourself is when those who death has taken into its custody will be reunited with you, because they will be happy and comforted that you have begun wanting to be happy again. For no loved one can bear the thought of being the source of unhappiness in the lives of their near and dear ones, even long after they are gone.
Memories, flashbacks and the past will continue to remain. Because every moment in the present is destined to become a tale of the past, I hope that you find it in yourself to choose your present more wisely, so that you also get to color your upcoming past in shades of your choice. What has happened already can not be undone but what is yet to arrive can be molded in shapes which you love and adore.
None of this shall be easy. Your worst days will see more worse days. It takes great strength and greater pain to untether a soul from agony it has breathed life into so far until this day, that I acknowledge. But, find solace in knowing that once you decide to bring an end to self inflicted torment it will only reward you and bear fruits of peace and quiet. I, in no way, intend to imply that you will know no more pain in your life but I do sincerely hope that you are able to see death for what it truly is. It is a thing promised and expected; do not let it surprise you.
With concern,
Your friend.