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I feel like I have tried everything, the good and the bad. And in some cases maybe even the mediocre.
I have tried to ignore it and shut my eyes tight and blind. I have tried to address it straight on, approaching every staggering doubt and questionable decision with careful and deliberate thought.
I have tried to use good food (cooked or ordered-in) to uplift my mood and brighten my spirits. I have tried to pay no attention to basic human needs which ensure daily sustenance, in the hope that it would manage to subdue every other emotion in my body.
I have tried skipping sleep, tossing and turning in bed four days straight, waking up each morning so willfully aware of how exhausted and sloppy and groggy my brain feels. I have tried to sleep for fifteen hours straight, no bathroom breaks either, hoping that if I remain inactive and in bed but let time pass it will carry away with it some of the ache.
I have tried reading, returning to an old habit which always left me happy and content. I have tried staying away from literature, of any kind, failing to rein in any distracting thought or stinging memory escaping the bullpen.
I have tried to find solace in music, on some days letting the melodies and heartfelt lyrics make me feel like I am not alone, and on others cushioning my brain in the loudest of beats and drops. I have tried tone deaf silence too, losing all energy to pick and stick to a single favorite track for hours at a stretch and then finally giving up and deciding to abandon all playlists ever curated.
I have tried to watch films and find inspiration in motion pictures, wanting a brilliantly written piece to simply blow my mind and dent my stupor. I have tried to curtail screen time and kept away from the movies, not wanting to be left unimpressed and saddened by its poor state, with predictable banal writing ruining it all.
I have tried drinking coffee in all six forms I could possibly afford and access in a day, enforcing caffeine to rush through my veins and grant me superpowers. I have tried the cold turkey route- deserting myself from coffee, (knowingly) wishing that those who speak ill of it be proven right; wishing that I be able to see for myself that on some days all it does for me is make me more jittery and anxious than needed.
I have tried engrossing myself in paid work, wanting to honor the determination and dedication one requires to keep up with employment today. I have tried to distance myself from work, calling in sick on a Thursday when I simply can’t, or not turning in work up until the last minute, as if I were getting off of the suicide-bomber thrill in some twisted, demented way.
I have tried reaching out to well-intentioned people about my dire state of affairs over a painful weekend, letting myself be loved and cared for. I have tried to keep everyone at bay, shutting all entry points down, leaving a closed sign at the front desk with no re-opening date indicated.
I have tried to socialize and network and meet new people and put myself out there, amongst strangers who more often than not disappoint rather than dazzle. I have tried to write everybody (who isn’t a friend) off, concluding preemptively that they will either disenchant with their ignorance or enrage with their entitlement.
I have tried self-care. And I have tried self-sabotage.
Barring offering a fair chance to yoga, meditation, physical exercise, kale, keto, journaling and/or pottery, I have tried it all, the good and the bad.
But it remains. It haunts. It lingers. It hovers. It suffocates. It frightens. It angers. It weakens.
It, is my unidentifiable, indescribable, inaudible, illegible and invisible sadness.
Maybe I have failed because I have only been trying. Maybe I need to be more intentional and strategic with my ways meant to deal and cope with It. Maybe because I am only trying and not truly aiming is why I am being met with undesirable results.
Whatever the case may be, but for now it seems to circle back each time and win.
So tell me this, is simply trying not good enough?
a fault/failure to meet a certain standard, typically in a person's character, a plan, or a system.
21122 Launches
Part of the Life collection
Published on March 10, 2021
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