In this very world I have realized that people spend half their lives judging people and finding out other people's loopholes. Every damn person in this world is perfectly sure about what other people think or what they are upto . They claim to know people "very well " but did anybody stop a second to ponder over the fact 'do we know ourselves ? ' 'are we sure of what we want?'.
Well few months back even I thought I knew myself quite well . I also thought i know my boyfriend very well . I also thought I knew my friends in graphic detail . Now after few months I guess all my theories about people have changed . Yes now I believe in the adage "even a lifetime is less to know a person".Moreover i realized I never knew myself . I NEVER DID . When i never understood myself in was altogether unjust to expect everyone else to know me . It was a great flaw on my part to let people judge me or even take their judgements seriously to account.
I grew up to believe in fairy tales. I grew up somewhere between those teenage romantic stuffs and movies or tv series that gospelled about love and heros. Some knight in shining armor would always come from somewhere and rescue the 'damsel in distress' and give her a ' happily ever after'. I believed my emotions are like creepers and climbers who needs love to support itself and live . I WAS WRONG !
I still remember the night my boyfriend left me and i begged like a pauper to stay back . I knew perfectly well "he cant leave me... he loves me more than I ever did love him" . He promised never to let go ............... I felt helpless and i couldnot expect a normal life after my heart broken for the third time . For the first time ever in my life I felt my soul leaving my body . All i heard that night out of a hell lot of humiliating lines was" i have fallen from someone else". I WAS SHATTERED !
Now that my happiness was gone ..... I started leading a secluded life. Running away from all possible things that could ever bring a smile on my face . Whenever I saw my friends who were there in a relationship having a time of their life and i thought i was hopeless and started thinking and then overthinking about the breakup . The next step would me drowning myself in a pool of tears and calling up a good friend to do anything but get him back to me. There were times when guys did hit on me terribly and sometimes those "hits" were way beyond my comfort zone . Instead of standing up for what is right and hitting them back i landed up crying like a helpless creature "if my bf would be here nobody would dare do anything like that" . There were moments when i wanted to call him up and cry and let out all the grief , vent out all the anger.... but somehow i stopped everytime i decided to dial that number . Yes i knew he wouldn't ever kiss away my pain again. I felt LIKE A LOSER. Oh yes i did ! The worst part was i branded myself as one and the reason was even worse " i was completely dependent on a person who left me crying and wailing and never looked back "! I could NEVER COMPREHEND HIS INTENTIONS AND HIM AS A PERSON ! the worse is yet to come...... I DIDNOT KNOW MYSELF EITHER !
5 months have passed and even without me realizing that i was a happier and much stronger as a person . One morning i woke up to realize THAT I DONOT NEED A MAN TO BE HAPPY . I DONOT NEED A MAN TO SUPPORT AND FEEL STRONG . Happiness lies within me . My friends whom i thought i knew very well also were survivors of their own struggles . I was not the only one hurting . There are times when everyone or the other felt hopeless or bad about themselves .Then again quoting Hemingway " a man can be destroyed , but he cannot be defeated" . Everybody stood back , fought their strifes , battles and even wars and that shaped them as a person . Ofcourse every battles has its own sets scars and that the sign of a warrior.
Tears have put an end to its flow and a flood of happiness replaced me . I realized some good things must go for better things to come. Paint brushes and colours have been an integral part of my life. Blogs,books and Diaries have replaced Facebook chats and overnight phonecalls. And anyone trying to do something against my will gets their own set of bashing in my own style. I have dreams now to fulfill and now I am working on it . I know myself a bit now ... life has its own glory when you step out of your cocoon of fear . Life is too short to fulfill someone else's dream and suffer for someone else's ill intentions !
To my ex ... if you accidentally read this ... then no grudges no ill feelings just a big thank you for making me a better person . Thanks for making me an individual !
To my readers know your self . Explore your self .Dont waste your time trying to comprehend others ...you never can.. you never will. As phoenix rises from its ashes every defeat will make you an stronger individual. For anybody who has been wrong and have lost all hope remember" every saint has a past and every sinner has a future" .