Childhood ended. No more seesaws, swings, candies, and chocolates—even those laughters are gone.
Traffic jams, bills, and big bosses. My life became a cycle of working and sleeping. In between them is anxiety. Depression became my friend.
He's my talkative friend. I don't want him in my head. I don't want him on my wrist either but, I can't leave him. He always put signs on my thighs and arms. A vow of eternal friendship.
Mornings are not as good as before. Coffees can't wake up my system anymore.
As soon as the sun rises, the battle starts. I know you are hungry for wars, Ares, but I didn't expected that you will stay in me. I know you were a good warrior, but, how could you not end the war inside of me?
Sometimes, I know that having too many choices is a struggle, but, having no choice is depressive. I'm stuck with going to work, letting my boss scold me without valid reasons. I'm stuck in a society of harsh judgments and critiques.
I am stuck in all of these chaos. It seems that I look like a machine being controlled by society but, in my mind, you lived.
I'm desperate. I'm scared to become totally numb, so, I accepted the emotions only you can give. Sadness, anger and insecurity.
You were creating a war with me every night. You were throwing what ifs at me. I'm forcing myself to be happy but you keep on stabbing me with your sadness. I shouldn't be like this. I shouldn't just lay in bed all day and fight with you. I still need to get up and meet society's expectations of who I should be.
Everyday is a battle between surviving or giving up. I'm being sensitive to the point that I think it doesn't makes sense. There's always a war inside me. Sometimes, it's between slitting my wrist or eating chicken nuggets, and sometimes it's between slitting my wrist or hanging my self.
Ares. My dear Ares, I know you are the one responsible for this. I want you to leave but your chaos is the only one I'm feeling. Without you, I will be numb. I'm scared of letting you go but I'm bothered that you're here.