August 7, 2015
Dearest Brent,
I have been contemplating for weeks whether to do this or not, and now I ended up decoding these cheesy and O.A words which I think is ridiculous to you. I spent days thinking and rewriting to produce the best letter I could give. Forgive me and my penmanship, though.
Happy birthday, Brent! Yeah, I do know when your birthday is but I was hesitant and uncertain on what to give or to even greet you on your special day because of my fears. Fear of rejection, fear of getting unnoticed, fear of ‘I don’t care’, and fear of being no one to you. Since we met, you already had a special place in my (fucking stupid) heart, and until now it is shouting your name. Gilumay siguro ko nimo noh? (LOL) But perhaps I was meant to fall from a very high place without knowing what’s at the bottom; either I’ll land alive or get broken into pieces. Perhaps I was destined to fall in love with you. Every single day that passes by, I’ve always wanted to know you more and to love you even more. My life has been a mess since you came, but a lot messier when you aren’t in it. So if I’ll kill you, I will lose the worst (yehey!) yet the best (*sad face*) thing I have today – LOVE. Then damn it! I don’t care if I get hurt a thousand times! You once said, quoting Luffy, “If you don’t take risks, you won’t be able to create a future”. That night, I decided to have a future with you so I took the risk and said yes. Then the roller coaster ride started; a crazy one I bravely took just to be with someone I adore so much.
For almost a year of being smitten to you, I saw how wonderful you are. I always hate your guts and love it at the same time. I can see how smart you are and I do hope that you will use it responsibly. I appreciate how you value your mother which makes you a better man. I love reading your messages about how passionate you are in music. I love watching your hands strumming the guitar. I do love your voice, too and I want to hear you sing more often. To tell you, I feel embarrassed every time we talk on the phone because I know I have an awful and unlady-like voice and I thank you for always bearing with me. I love your not-blue eyes (haha) and how you always win the staring game. I could kiss your ashed lips all day, Brent. I’m insecure of my nose because yours is perfect. Then your abs. Oh lagi! Ikaw na! (LOL) Seriously, you are beautiful to me, love. I always crave for your tight hugs and those moments when you unite our hands together while lying in bed. I always wanted to hear your ragged breathing after sex; meaning that I satisfied you. Brent, I could do ‘it’ every day and every night if it’s for you. I can see myself in the future sleeping right next to you and waking up every day of my life with our arms wrapped around each other. I want to be the leading lady of your story. I want to be your heroine for I believe that you are a great hero than Superman. I want to be present during the best and worst days of your life. “Everybody’s trying to be a billionaire but every time I look at you I just don’t care. Coz all I ever wanna be is somebody to you.” (The Vamps) I will give you my everything until I have nothing to lose. Honestly, I was holding back for months and wasn’t able to lay everything on the table, and I regret every chance I wasted because of cowardice. I badly wanted to go back exactly a year ago on August seventeenth. Not to change my ‘yes’ into ‘no’, but to say it again and show you how much I cherish you; to be the girlfriend I could have been if it weren’t for my pride, fear and doubts. I’m so sorry, love.
Brent, I won’t ask you to stay. You can walk away if your heart’s not in it. I can only let you go if you will let go of me. I never want to annoy you so tell me if I do. All I’m asking you is to recognize me as a woman; a soft-hearted human who deserves to be treated, at least, fairly. I’m not a superhuman. I’m weak and not invincible. I get hurt, babe.
I wish you’ll have a very good time today with whoever you are with. I pray for your good health and ask God to enlighten you about smoking (I don’t want you to die early, you know.) May you have all the desires of your heart and become a successful man someday. Continue to make others smile and love your family as much as they love you. Respect your parents and make them happy. Be good, always.
Three words, eight letters: I LOVE YOU Brent! xoxo
Always,
Bel