Only today I was going through my Hinge profile. I was looking at how I look like to my matches. And I was specifically stuck on my picture at Theos. I was lying on my bed staring at that picture of mine where I look distinctively pretty, mostly because I don’t remember looking like that on any other occasion. I looked different. Perhaps it was Sehrish’s great camera but it did capture me beautifully. I am about to take a good old bite of that mousse cake we had ordered. But more than the memory of our day at Theos, I was reminded of the day when I and Sehrish were lying on my bed after college, setting up my Hinge profile, making sure we choose the best and the most ‘decent’ photos, in her words. I could do anything to go back to that day and tell Sehrish “Fuck this, I am happier this way. With you guys. Alone. Single.” I think that was the last time I was free, not happy but free. Downloading that app has turned my life around in ways I hadn’t imagine and I really wish it hadn’t. I wish I hadn’t objectified those guys so much, not judged them from the angle from which they clicked pictures or judged them for their educational qualifications but isn’t that the whole point of this app? All that is in front of you is this happy face and this pretentious bio. You have to choose which one of those pretentious bios touches you the most. Once you really start knowing someone, none of those faces or those bios matter. The more you know about the person, the more you realize all of us are made up of histories of world trips, relationships, break-ups, traumas but also beauty. I am tired now, dear Sehrish. Thank you for helping me build a profile because I received so much validation and I have had so many meaningful conversations with so many talented people and I am glad it served some purpose but I am also kinda sad that I started off with the thought it will fulfill some need (don’t know which one) and I ended up feeling hollower than ever. I also feel guilty that I judged some guys too much, ghosted the others and have been mean to a good lot. I am not sorry though, because I had meant what I once said. But to all those who are using dating apps to fulfil a certain need, I hope that you get what you want and I wish you all the luck for that but don’t lose yourself in the process. Validation is all good until you reach a point when all the doors are suddenly closed. It actually sucks sometimes when you click with a certain few but you are not meant to be. But don’t lose your heart, sometimes a raw conversation also puts you to bed in peace. Sometimes a date by the beach will fill your heart with tad bit happiness and you wouldn’t have to ask for more. Sometimes making love under the moonlight will be enough for another 30 days. Sometimes, perhaps, watching a movie together and cuddles will be everything that fate will have in store for you. And that will be the end of it. To those who are using these apps, I know it’s tough but you should be able to forget the muse of the previous night the next morning because sometimes the night is all there is. Sometimes being in love for a fleeting moment is all there is to life. Sometimes letting go, no matter how difficult it seems, will be the only thing bringing you back home.
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