Lately I have been wondering, as i am nearing a possible unemployment, whether you would have treated me the way you do, had I not been an academic achiever. Mother, I see you go around talking about my academic achievements and I understand you are proud of me but would you have still loved me the way you do, if I had been just a loser? I guess you were just lucky that you ended up giving birth to two humans who value education and were always serious about their academics. Isn't that how you have always weighed our values? Even when I entered college, I received remarks like "Don't go for that, focus on your studies." What if I hadn't got 10 CGPA in 10th grade or hadn't gotten 97.5% in 12th? Would you have accepted me still? Am I the 'child that brings prosperity'? Every time we sit down for lunch, papa asks me when will my Masters end and when will I be employed. You scare me, dear parents. You make me question my worth because I get the feeling that you would probably have given up on me long back, if I hadn't put in the efforts to become what I am today. I am glad that I am not a burden for you people but here's a truth bomb: you have conditioned me so rigidly and so perfectly. Imagine a 12 years old who is so scared of failing that she did nothing but study all day because she believed academics is everything that will guarantee acceptance. Acceptance from you. It has been really easy for you right? For you to leave me like that at such a young age because well, in your eyes, i was wise enough to understand that it is only good grades that will bring success. By the time I was in 10th, there was no going back. Imagine that a 15 years old had no alternative reality for her. No alternative reality where she could actually fail. Failure was never even an option. I know when I gradually grew up, mom, you taught me that it's okay to fail or to score less. But I also remember this one time when i was in 4th grade and I came back home with 37/40 in Sanskrit and you scolded me so much. You slapped me. That fear kept me from failing. The exam days were difficult for me because of you and not because of the fact that I could make a blunder. I feared making a blunder because I was more scared of you reprimanding me because of that. By the time I was in 11th grade, I had scored well enough to admit myself into a decent Delhi school and I remember doing all of that alone. Dad, you were never there. You were happy because I got into a great school but when did you support me when I was struggling with giving all those entrances? I remember one day I came back home scoring less in Math and you did not even smile at me the next day. I think about how I felt that day, and I remember it clearly: I felt horrible. I have felt horrible so many times, dear mom and dad. When I got into DAV, you never patted me for getting into a school of my choice through my own merit. Mom, you felt good only the day you met the Principal and she assumed that there could be professors in my family because I wanted to be a professor back then. Every time you felt good about me, you had to take the credit for it. Twelfth grade result and I didn't even know what will make me happy anymore. Good college? Maybe. Because for two fucking years I had worked my ass off to get a 95+ in boards to achieve what? Who was I trying to make happy? Now that I think about it, I don't think I did it to make me happy, it was all for you. So that you could be proud of me. I missed out on all the fun because I feared that it will mess with my grades. And somehow nothing fucked with my grades except me. When I got into a good college, dad, that was the first time you said "I am glad you chose Psychology." Would you have said the same thing if I had gotten into Amity instead or taken a drop year? All this convenience because I worked so hard all my life for you. Never for myself. And even despite that, you kept questioning my choices. My life had become a constant process of proving my decisions right. I had to score well because you both have conditioned me to the point of believing that Aditi Roy Choudhury is the class topper and what is she, if not a class topper? Thanks to Universe, I got through Tata Institute of Social Sciences otherwise what? You would have reprimanded me for choosing Psychology in the first place. Right now I am at a point where I know I am smart enough to score well but not motivated enough to prove my worth to you anymore. Because I believe you will probably never accept me if I am not successful. Everything I have ever received has been on conditions and conditions only. I am what I am because my identity is that of someone who is in a great college, all by herself.
I don't know what to feel about this anymore. For once maybe, I could consider being a failure too.