I didn't know what I was doing. But I didn't stop anyway. Even if I wanted to I couldn't, it felt like I was physically incapable of stopping. My whole body was in torture, my aching muscles were screaming with pain, there were tears running down my face and my vision was blurry, but all I could think of was how mad I was. There were splinters everywhere, it was my first time holding an ax, nonetheless it was just one of those small ones you know. I was alone at the back of the house, everyone had gone out since it was the holidays. It started with just a trial hit at a fallen log, then it became two hits, then three and then I just couldn't stop, it was like I've been wanting to do this my whole life and now that I've started, it became impossible for me to stop. I had never felt such rage before, I was so angry that I didn't notice that my knees were burning from scratches because of the position I was in. The thing is, I wasn't even mad at someone. I was mad at myself! I loathed myself for how I was feeling, the weakness, the vulnerability, the need for someone that I promised myself I would never let myself feel. I was mad for doubting myself, I was mad because I couldn't recognize myself any more. My whole life I believed that this thing didn't exist, that I can always control myself, control the way I feel. But now, everything is proving me wrong. My whole belief system was being shattered because of this. My worst fear was needing someone, and the fact that I actually needed a person in my life was destroying me. The only thing that kept repeating itself in my head over and over again was, what if I lost them, what if they were gone forever?
So I kept hitting the log over and over again in the same spot until it was about to break in two. By then my ears had started ringing and I could scarcely hear the ax hitting the log, it was like it was coming from a distance. And then I heard it, that voice, it was faint but still there, it was the voice that I hated loving. I stopped, and stood up. I dropped the ax on the ground and slowly turned around looking down, I was too afraid to look up, too scared of looking into those eyes. He called my name again and I slowly looked up, looked into the eyes that made me lose myself over and over again, and I saw pain, pain and self loathing. And that just made me start sobbing again, harder than ever. I saw him move towards me, I felt his arms around me and his hand holding my face to his chest, but I still couldn't stop.
We stood there like that for over an hour or at least it felt that way, and finally we sat on the log that I just nearly destroyed with him still holding me to him. And then he looked down at me and whispered "I'm never leaving again...as long as you'll have me".