I don’t love you. I don’t miss you when you’re gone . I don’t wait for you to come back . I deeply even hope you would die . I hate you . I guess if you should judge how you feel about someone through how many times you like them in comparison with how many times you don’t , I can easily say that I hate you ! I always thought I was the plus one , it took me more time to process the whole thing though , even when I thought it was just a phase, the feelings never have changed . I learned to isolate myself , and try to dissociate from the world , I liked to be alone , it’s peaceful in there and that was it, I make my own rules and break them , and punish myself , and then break them again ( just the philosophy of a rebel ). I learned not to trust anyone ; people call me their best friend , and so i call them that in return , so I don’t hurt their feelings , even though deep inside , I know I don’t have friends , and I don’t want them , I want someone to love , which is not hard until they don’t love you back , and then when you think your world is getting better because someone might change it , they do change it ! but not the way you always wanted and thought about , it just makes you hit rock bottom and makes you feel small , and lonely and unworthy of love because that’s what you are , but then a “best friend” comes and tell you they love you , so you feel a warmth inside , but it doesn’t last because you think why couldn’t they love me differently ? and you know why : because you're too ugly and insecure , and dramatic and anti-social , so you grieve even more , and return to the narrow circle you drew with your own hands , only this time the circle doesn’t fit you anymore ; you hate your body , you hate yourself , you want to kill yourself , you want to feel pain , but you don’t want to be a cause for pain to others , or you're just too scared , and then just hurt yourself a little , so you can feel pain without hurting others , but your body doesn’t change , and your hate towards yourself just keeps growing , and you think about all the exes that were not lovers , and then get laid with someone you don’t know , so you can feel good again , but then you feel dirty and you hurt yourself again , but after a while , you just get used to it , and without knowing you find yourself in a hole that life digged for you , just to remind you how much you suck as a human being .
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