The Despondent Soul

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Frustrated and lost, I have no clue where I'm headed. I'm a ship which has lost its anchor. I feel tormented. My heart feels like it's resting on a thousand sharp needles and every movement I take sends a mind-numbing pain across my body. The sea of uncertainty and anxiety stares right at me in the eyes, incapacitating me. My mind feels heavy, drained of life. I'm terrified. I cry like a baby until my head throbs with pain, almost screaming to stop. The dark circles under my eyes speak volumes about my yearning for the temporary sanity that sleep has to offer. Yet, it evades me like the day evades the night. I feel desperately helpless, like I'm floating in the middle of a vastness and not even death comes to free me. Trampled on by the weight of expectations and disappointments, numbed by the perpetual inadequacies, I writhe in self-pity. My brain has lost the ability to process simple thoughts like food. My appetite has become a thing of the past. There's this knot in my throat every time I think about all this, which's pretty much all the time. I want to curl up into a ball and stay that way forever. I want to lock myself in a room and never come out. I want to drift away into the oblivion and never return. I wish, I could just shrivel up and disappear. To be extinguished, to be nonexistent, that's what I long for. I'm looking for reasons, for justifications. I need to gratify myself with them. And when I fail to find any, it drives me crazy. I try to pacify the frustration and aggression with small bouts of indulgence. Whatever helps me give vent to this feeling of wretched existence. Momentary happiness and all that. Maybe, integrating all the differential happinesses, I'll obtain the integral happiness. Give me something to hold on to.