Isn't it weird, to become, afraid of yourself.
Depression isn't a mood switch. If it's a sea I feel like I'm drowning. It's 3 a.m. The weirdest thing is that I decided to write. I normally keep everything for myself, because you know, there's nobody who'll stay awake until 3 and hear about your sudden breakdowns. Even if they want to, you can't let them in. Because you know you'll lose them. People can't understand if they do not feel. It's not that they can't feel, but, let's just say you'll seem to them like a person who's bleeding and doing nothing to stop the flood. Because the thing is, once you fall into depression, it consumes you. Every little part of you.
Worst thing is, I'm becoming more and more afraid of myself. I am the kind of person who always thinks suicide is a bad idea and a selfish exit, a permanent solution for a temporary problem. I always had this kind of hope and love for life even with tears streaming down my face. But recently, I just, think about it, and feel like I'm starting to accept the idea. Understand what suicidal people think.
And then ... I felt sorry. I felt sorry for every person who committed suicide and whom I accused of being a coward, a selfish person, a pessimistic person. It's not that. It's not true. You feel hypnotized, you're like, just, feeling nothing, and everything. You're accepting the idea without even feeling it or realizing it. You feel a need to end that fire burning inside you, the kicks in your throat, the pain in your heart, the emptiness. You can't tell the people you love, they can't help, they won't help, and even if they want to, you won't let them. It's a tough situation. I wrote those lines during my meltdown. I'm drowning. I want myself back. I want my energy back. My friends back, my jokes back, my happiness back. I'm just feeling like the life that has been put inside me just quitted. And that death forgot about my body, and let it, empty corpse, searching for a meaning without a clue. Did my soul escape?