All I want to do is close my eyes and by the time I'm ready to open them, all of this would disappear.
If only it was a bad dream. And everything would turn out to be okay. If only I could say that I'm okay.
"You are the contradicting thoughts in my head that consume me."
Have you ever felt that you were in a sinkhole? Stuck and forever forgotten? No one to help you but yourself.
They say things would be simple if you don't over analyze things. To be positive. But it's not. It just makes me think that it would become real.
I argue on things making them big and difficult to understand. Explaining to people the smallest detail.
I keep reminding myself that it's just another phase. I can do this. It will just go away. I know I'm stronger than this.
Well I was caught up with my fears. They were stronger than me. I was at my weakest point. I was hopeless. I don't know what to do.
I cannot control myself. I can't control the actions that I'm doing. Its like someone is in control of my body. I'm in my body but has a different kind of soul. My soul was gone and it went away that she traveled for a while because she was too stress to understand all of this.
And I was afraid of the world. That I don't want to go out of my house anymore. Cause I was thinking that it's not safe to go outside anymore.
There was this time I got claustrophobic. We went out. Ate lunch at the mall. Then suddenly I got conscious of people around me, people looking at me. There were too many. I keep on standing up. I wasn't still in my chair. I told my mom I want to go home. So we did.
Also at the movie house. We watched an action movie. Usually I enjoy watching it. But then I was triggered of the noises. Of the people being beaten up. It was injustice. It was not human that someone suffers. I couldn't take it. So I begged my parents to let me out. Dad accompanied me. It was horrible. It's not worthy to risk my health that time.
Phase 1.
I started feeling afraid when I had my OJT. A fellow employee teases me saying that the white lady in the picture was sort of looks like me.
In my fear I didn't want to go to our recreation activity. But I was early to be present at the office. Maybe I was too excited.
Once we were at the Activity area I don't want to move. Even let myself enjoy the place. And my other friend wants to go to this place where the white lady was.
I didn't allow myself to be happy that day.
I got to my next activity. In the Lagoon. I wasn't myself that day. I was sort of frighten of what might happen.
Then my parents won't be able to come home so I asked if I could stay the night with my friend.
Things weren't going well. I didn't have enough sleep. I was thinking of things like monsters going to get me.
I was able to go home safely. And when I was sitting at the dining table I was shocked that someone passes by the window wearing a black cloth.
Someone said I should visit someone who can take away bad spirits. It made worst. Telling me there's a big monster protecting me. And said I just have to pray so that it will go away. Like if it was that easy.
So I went to church. Looking for a priest to bless me. So that the bad spirit will go away. I got to talk to him. He said "If you don't see it, it didn't happen and that GOD is BIGGER than our fears."
I didn't want to go home because I was afraid, thinking it wasn't safe for me. If only I could stay inside the church but I can't. Because it's a place of worship.
When I was at home we did some rituals to blow away bad spirits. But it made it worse because I was not smelling good. From all those smoke and ointment.
When I got to church I was smelling bad.
Maybe it was 3 to 5 days that I wasn't into sleeping. I didn't sleep at all. I was hyper. Sleeping takes only minutes for me then I would wake up. Guarding my parents questioning myself why they can sleep well. I was a total creep because I was looking at them and it was night time.
Told my mom I wouldn't kill myself. Like why would I say that? What's wrong with me?
I keep hearing noises from the wooden walls... Knocking like they want to go inside our room. Or was it possible to have many lizards chasing each other? I didn't understand it.
There was this time that my sister helped me. She applied lotion to make me calm. It was nice. So soothing. It help a little bit. I was calm that day. Also there was an incident that I and my other sister were both triggered when there was a big cough. I was thinking it was the tall monster protecting me. But it was just some guy passing by. Our house was near the road and it was small. So there is a possibility we can hear people or cars passing by. I thank my sisters for helping me get through it all. As a little sister to them and being the youngest. I always get sick. That there are things I can't handle on my own. There should be someone helping me out. And through the process of recovery I was able to help myself by doing things on my own. It is also important to ask help. Don't be hesitant to discuss about what you are feeling because you wouldn't know maybe he or she feels that way too.
(Next chapter)
Because of things happening to me... We went to an exorcise priest. I felt light visiting him. I felt good. Like he was able to get all the negative vibes from me. He told me that I lost connection with God. He was right I did lost my connection with Him. I even forget how to pray the rosary. Am I a bad person? But I don't want to go home. When I was outside I was me. But at home I'm not me. Dark made me anxious. I don't like it when it gets dark.
Dad told me to count sheep so I can go to sleep. Made me read the Bible. But instead of reading something good I read about fighting and war.
I don't want to do anything. Don't want to read. Don't want to write. Don't want to eat, don't want to take a bath. Don't want to take a brush. Doesn't comb my hair. Doesn't want to answer phone calls because I was thinking it wasn't my real friends calling. Doesn't want to sleep at all. I didn't care about myself. What I look like. I just let myself be free and not doing anything progressive. Just saying in my head "Take me. I'm ready." Thinking I was going crazy. Like what am I talking??
I just shut everybody down.
I felt numb. I didn't care what people were going to say. I just want to give everything that I have. Because it was less stressful. Less thinking. And made my mind clear.
If you were able to talk to me I would just stare at you blankly and you would be transparent. Just passing through. Not caring what you were saying. I wasn't me at all.
My body froze. My parents tried moving me when I was asleep. They can't move me because I was stiff and heavy. Also I was having side step like a crab. And my hands would shake. Like really shake and afraid.
I was a graduate that time. But because I was sick I wasn't able to finish my second semester because of the confusion that the lessons were fast, teachers are talking fast that they were explaining the lessons fast. It was too much for me to handle. To take this all in. Maybe I was afraid to not finish college. To not graduate in time. But things happen. You know. Maybe I wasn't meant to graduate with them. Maybe it wasn't my time yet. Which was alright for me. At first I didn't take it so well of not graduating. But God has a plan for me. He really does. And I thanked Him for that.
We visited a doctor. I got offended of her because she seems like she's harassing me of questions I didn't do. So we got option 2. I like the 2nd doctor that we visited. She was calm. Gentle. None threatening person I met. I like her.
She was analyzing me. Then I just burst out crying to her. Showing her that I need help. But I can't seem to say it to her. Words just won't come out of my mouth.
I've taken a strong pill to make me sleep. I didn't like it. Because it makes me go to sleep even though it was time for me to wake up. Pulling me to bed to go to sleep whenever I sit up.
I've taken another pill to soothe my sleeping hours. Also I got to take a mood stabilizer w/ anti-depressant.
As the days passes by I was in the road of recovery. I got to see positive things. Not a sad looking depressing person.
I got the chance to travel with my family. The doctor said that it would be good for me to travel. She said to keep my mind busy. But it made worse. When we were on the plane I was afraid when the plane took off. That was a first for me to be afraid because usually I'm not afraid of planes.
We got to visit a museum. But I wasn't enjoying that much. I didn't let go of things bothering me. I was so secured. So caution. Don't want to lift a finger. We took poses for art but I wasn't feeling it. My expression was fake.
Later on... On the recovery bridge.
I have felt things. I cried because I was missing my friends. I really felt something. I was recalling the time when I was unhealthy and I was disappointed of myself. It was heavy for me. My body didn't take it well. I wasn't able to do the things I wanted to do. But when I was on recovery. I wasn't numb at all. I got to have my happy face again. And I was smiling every day. Not entertaining the negative thoughts that would come.
Phase 2.
Again I felt numb. No laughing and smiling for me. Because I stop taking my medication, thinking I was able to do it on my own. But what was wrong is that I would be late sleeping and be early for work. And I attended the Misa de Galo. Attended mass in the morning and won't be having sleep throughout the day because I was working. My body didn't take it. My legs were shaking. So I needed to visit my doctor again.
I told myself I can do this. I can get through this. Pushing myself away from negative thoughts. I was determine to be healed.
And today I still take my medication. Avoided chocolates. And didn't want to abuse my body from things that might cause bad to me.
I thank my support system. My family and friends who are always there to give advice and catch my back. To my doctor. Thank you.
Remember to always B.R.E.A.T.H.E.
To appreciate the simple things and to respect the person going through the same phase.
To never give up on life.
There will be things coming to our lives. It may happen to us at work, problem with family and friends, in our relationship, in our happiness, even in our success. We wouldn't know. But remember this. BE STRONG. Because I know you can get through it. Even without the help of medication. Because YOU. You alone can only help yourself.
And remember that we have a loving God.
So always pray to HIM.
If you feel sad, worried, afraid, happy pray to Him because he find ways to make our life less stressing to think about.
"Life is too short to judge others. It is not our job to tell someone what they feel or who they are. And we do not know what battle they are currently facing." - Jennifer Niven
I beat depression.
And so can you.