nouveau départ

How would you know that the person is healed from the trauma that she left behind? From the trauma that she hasn't been totally honest even to herself?

I felt that things are not working out for me anymore. Like this kind of situation doesn't excite me. Whereas people don't want to hear my story all over again and doesn't interest them. They want something new everyday. Like who give a sh*t with that kind of story? Sometimes I think I bore people with my stories. Cause every time that I speak... It always sucks the energy out of me explaining to them; which I don't really like it at all. 

I only share stories when I feel to and if I want to, people I'm close with, not when I'm force to do so. 

And I hope that they understand where I am coming from. I just wish more people were kind and not rude at all in this world. No judgements from the public eye. Just accepts you for who you really are. 

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It's been seven years since we're not together...

It's also been seven years that I have been taking my medication not because of what happened to us but because of what happen during my OJT. Funny though cause this story won't be about you for the first time but a self realization to myself. But there's a part that I would be talking about you.

I remembered this one time that I would cry every night whenever I go home. Silly right? But good thing I didn't go to depression when you left me behind. It just happened that way back in college, everything was fast pacing. Graduation was coming up so fast that I wasn't unsure if I was ready for the so called "Adulting World."

I just wanted to move on with my life of not thinking of you. How would that be possible if the universe have been reminding me things about you? 

I don't usually talk about you that much. Cause I thought I would get better if I just keep it to myself. But every time that I was healing or that I don't think about you... 

There would be some scenario/dream/a mere mention of your name makes my world crumble just a little bit. 

Like why is the universe testing me? When I'm about to heal from things that I don't talk about, from the things that I'm not hurting anymore. And when I'm about to go out. I have this relief that the reason of my smile isn't about you. 

But when something pops up in my mind about you... 

I would always think "What have I done to feel things like this?" 

Like I'm barely coping up with life and this kind of matter just adds up with my worries. 

And I'm so tired to be honest. I've been thinking what I have done to deserve this?

I just wanted to be free from my mind without the thought of you. Where I could eat peacefully my favorite food, go to places without remembering such memory. And just listen to songs that won't sting anymore. 

I just wish that whenever some random thought about you pops up on my mind it won't be hurting that much. 

Last night I sang Torete and I felt the closure that I needed. For the first time I sang it with all my heart and I never felt so happier in my life, that I never felt this good for the first time. 

I felt the assurance that time will get better for me. That I will be healing from things that keeps on bothering my mind and heart. And it was safe for me to let it all out and not be broken again. That was one of the happiest night that I felt.

Minsan kasi parang ang bigat na talaga. Like each waking day seems impossible for me to go on. But I'm saying everyday "Not today Satan. Not today."

Baka its the universe telling me to remember that person and learn to accept it na naging parte siya ng buhay ko. That I should forgive them for the things they've done. And thank them also for the memories we had. 

Kasi if we don't have the closure for ourselves... Tayo yung talo. Tayo yung magooverthink ng subra. Kaya tama na. Okay? Tama na yung years sa paghihintay ng wala. Yung gusto mong maayos ito pero malabo na yun lahat. Nawala na kasi yung trust at pagunderstand siguro. Baka napagod din siya. I know it won't be like in the past but eventually I'll learn to understand all and learn to forgive that person. At sana din siya maforgive niya rin ako...

I know makakaya ko to at kakayanin ko pa tong laban na to. Ako pa ba. Di padadaig to no. Umiiyak lang pero matapang talaga. 

Kaya sa mga tao jan na nagtatanong 

"Bakit wala pa akong nahahanap para sa sarili ko?" 

It's because...

Di ko alam if makakaya ko pang magmahal. If I'm still capable of loving someone or they will love me back. Ayaw ko na kasi masaktan. Gusto ko pag siya na siya na talaga. Ayaw ko din paglaruan feelings ng ibang tao na sa huli may masaktan na ako or siya. 

I know sasabihin ninyo na walang ganyan o sa thinking kong to wala na akong makikita kasi malabong darating sa buhay natin ang mga ganyan.

Pero I still have faith. At may tao din para sa akin, I just have to wait for the right time. If not now. Edi thank you next? Pero in a serious note. If not now then sa susunod na lang. Wag ko lang mamadaliin yung proseso or pagpilitan yung sarili kong humanap agad-agad kasi pag ganon lalayo yan. 

And you also have to think bakit kaya pinadelay ni Jesus ito? 

Dahil He has better plans for you.Tiwala lang.

Sometimes I feel frustrated, confused, and angry at myself for feeling things like this. Where my emotions are mostly powerful. I just have a lot on my plate lately. I can't seem to focus well when responsibilities & self improvement clash altogether at the same time. I didn't know "Adulting" would be this hard. I didn't sign up for this. I just hate it when people push you to your limits and force you to do things and not by your willingness. It sucks that you have to follow them cause they'll say things that you can't imagine. But I'm learning to say no. Little by little I got to understand things from a wider perspective. 

And that's why I want to learn more, meet people, and explore things not to the extent of doing it overboard. But what makes me comfortable.

But for now. Heal, focus muna sa self improvement. Laban palagi sa buhay.

Kaya ikaw... Laban ka din ha? Kaya mo yan. Kakayanin pa natin to at sa susunod na araw dahil pagsubok lang lahat ng ito. And you know He gives challenges to people like you kasi alam niya na malalampasan mo to. Okay?

If there's anything that troubles your heart let it out with a prayer. Ask guidance from Him and He will happily guide you through it. He knows & He always listens to us. And you know di Niya tayo pinapabayaan kasi nandyan lng siya sa tabi-tabi, nagmamasid at tinutulungan tayo palagi. Di mo lang siguro na nonotice kasi busy ka with your life or minsan preoccupied ka with other things. Kaya minsan nakakalimutan mo na e take care yung self mo.

Basta promise mo to sa akin ha. Na wag na wag kang susuko sa life. Diba gusto mo pa e meet yung mga taong naging parte ng buhay mo? Yung nagbigay ng inspirasyon sa'yo to go on with your life. Yung sinave ka when you were in your darkest days. Diba may gusto ka pang maexperience at malearn from places that you would be visiting pa? 

Kaya gawin mo tong lahat para sayo. At tulungin mo din yung mga taong along the way sa makakaya mo. Wag lang e pressure yung self mo na need mo talaga silang tulungan kasi in the first place di mo sila priority. Unahin mo yung sarili mo bago sila. How can you help others when you yourself is incomplete? When you yourself don't have the strength. Sana nga marealize din nila yung pagod na ginawa mo para makamit mo yung gusto mo at kung saan ka ngayon.

I want to leave a quote from Jerico Silvers book Of Flowers that Bloom at Night...

Close your mind for a while.
Feel the connectedness of your feet to the ground.
And then utter words of warmth --- I am loved.
And words of courage --- I will dream.
And words of hope --- I will be fine.
And words of resilience --- I will be happy.

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Padayon lang sa buhay okay?

Love you always,

Jommy ;)