Well. What can I say? We both drifted. All three of us drifted. apart. Yes. we were once connected. Like some roads connected unexpectedly. It was entirely beautiful. But many things happened. Just like what she said. And everything changed.
You see. I fell in love. It was just friendship at first. That feeling at first, I never saw myself getting attached with him. There were three of us. Him. my close girl friend and me. And everything was just so cool and fun. I even saw him as a gay. One who is too weak and girly to my liking. And him, saying he had a girlfriend was like a joke.
Like duhh? seriously? He's too gay.
But as I knew him. I learned it's just him and his cover up. He gets close to girls well. He knew how to handle relationships with girls. He's kind and charming. He's not the most handsome, hot type. But he's really adorable. He cracks jokes often. One that could literally piss you off up to the point that you'll end up laughing with his stupidity.
They were in an LDR. But his gf
almost wanted to break up with him even before he went over to our place. Yet he remained steadfast. He believed they can do it. And with that, I admired him more.
Then one day. I realized I fell for him. Yes. I fell for a guy who was committed. It was a happy feeling but scary at the same time. You see, I've never been a religious frantic. But I asked God years ago for a guy. I was heartbroken that time and I asked him to give me the guy of my dreams, one who could take away my pains and could put smiles on my face, the next time. He was like the exact person I've been praying for. Like the checklist was almost perfect I couldn't believe it was even possible.
But like what I said, it was scary...
For someone who was an NBSB... It was all new to me. Yeah, I've never been into an official relationship before. But I've had my own share of heartbreaks with unrequited feelings and almost things.
He was committed. I got entangled with him. We were acting like an unofficial couple with no label. But guilt ate me up. I pushed him away. As a woman. I deserved respect. His girlfriend as well. Eventhough I was that happy, I never wanted to break any relationship. Coz as a woman, I should know what my fellow woman would feel just in case she knows her boyfriend cheats on her.
I pushed him away. But it totally broke my heart. It was like letting go the person you've long prayed and been waiting for. We decided to become friends instead. But hell, everyday was a struggle. We ate out together. We saw each other everyday. We were in the same workplace.
Moving on was a real struggle.
and it went harder when I felt him getting clingy over this close friend of mine. Like after some weeks. The change was too fast. He let me see and hear him whisper her sweet nothings. He said he was just teasing. But it was all too much.
I warned him. But he said I was just overthinking. I went berserk a couple of times. Been extra dramatic. But my instincts haunted me. He got mad coz I was jealous of nothing. And that our friend was caught up in between our fights.
But I knew what I knew. His words, I wanted to believe in him. But his actions said otherwise.
The fights continued. He got extra clingy over her. And I got scared when my friend seemed to losen up. And she let him do things with her too.
Then it came to a point where they seemed to have ignored me. They were often together. They got extra close that they already had their own bubble I can't even penetrate.
I told him about everything. He said I just overthink. I have rollercoaster emotions and they get the better of me.
I kept quiet and observed.
But it all went worse. A few months after. They don't communicate that much to me. He seemed to be so busy. I knew he wanted to stay away and get rid of what happened to both of us. I understood why he didn't send me messages as much as before. Why he didn't care a lot already. It was painful. but what's more painful was that my intuition was too strong that he has developed feelings for my close friend already.
I asked him again about it. He said. He didnt know.
I told him I pushed him away to patch up with his girl. Not to flirt with my other friend. I accused him of playing with feelings.
But he said it was the original plan. but many things happened. Things went rough with his girl. And this close friend of ours made it all easy for him.
There came a time I talked to my close girl friend. I told her about what I felt for this guy. Why it was so painful. I poured out all my emotions to her. Yes, she comforted me. But it wasn't enough to lessen what I felt. It seemed like she cared, but she was half hearted. It felt like she had holdbacks. That the comfort she gave wasn't really the comfort a good friend could ever give.
I almost destroyed myself. Been drinking. Not eating healthy food. Didn't sleep as much. I was at the point of being depressed.
But I tried to focus more on myself. That maybe they won't do anything stupid. The guy made a mistake once. Hitting on another friend and making her his girl would be so low.
Well, I believed in the goodness of their hearts.
I believed he won't do to her, what he did to me. I trusted him. And most especially her. She knew the code. She knew how to keep relationships. I believed that though she liked him a lot too, she won't give him a chance to be her guy coz first, he still has a gf, and second, I am her friend, and she should give me atleast some consideration and respect.
But all my beliefs and expectations of them were shattered. The communication between the three of us went down. But I knew they spend more time talking. The guy sent me some messages. But it was very seldom. And everytime he did, it was like, he made me think, rethink and overthink. I was a mess. He messed up with my brain, and also with my heart. He always told me to ponder. Like damn.
I stopped myself from talking to them. Coz everytime I did, I was just being jealous. I went irrational before. Crying in public, and walking away coz I saw how sweet they could get. But never did they tell it directly to me.
Then my nightmares became reality. I confronted her. I sensed how much she kept things from me. That though we talked it over, though she helped me before, I felt like she was doing something behind my back.
I went mad. Really mad. coz I sensed betrayal and disloyalty. I sent her messages. very long ones. I knew how much they want to avoid confrontations. But they were never honest to me. They kept things. and made me look like a fool
And now, they were together.
Of course, I'm the one who confronted again. I wanted answers. To end my overthinking spree.
She didn't reply fast enough. But later on told me MANY THINGS HAPPENED. and Yes, they are already together.
I talked to him. Blamed him for hitting on his two friends. But he went oblivious.
He ended up choosing her over his gf for 5 years.
I just couldn't understand why he said choose happiness. I couldn't understand why she remained oblivious to my pains and hurts. I couldn't understand how come she still gave him a chance when she knew that guy hurt me a lot. that guy had issues with his girl. that so much happened to me and the guy but she chose to save the guy instead of holding my hand and be there for me. I didn't understand how can they live with the guilt. But still stand by their choice.
I had so much disappointments, pain and resentments to both of them that I had undergone such rollercoaster emotions. I had so much faith in our friendship that I believed she'll be reasonable. That she would live by the code.
It was so unfair that they told me I was the overdramatic, unstable, unpredictable one. that me being honest was all pure drama. Like I was causing them the pain. Like they were the victims. And I, being the one who speaks alot, was the perpetrator.
It was all painful really. coz I was there all along. In each stage, it felt like my breath was being taken slowly away.
I decided to say goodbye to them. coz they never valued my presence anyway. They said they cared, but they never considered what I would feel just in case they choose such an option. It was all painful coz they never asked me to stay. And they made me realize goodbye was easy for them. It was the best for them anyway. They made me feel that they're the happiest when I wasn't around. And I just bring them pure drama.
It's real heartbreaking. Coz I was the one who cared too much. I was the one who loved a lot. But I ended up crying and weeping.
All I needed was respect, concern and loyalty. But they never met me halfway. They never understood. And never ever would.
.We drifted. We all drifted apart.
apart. Maybe forever.