No one really knows what difficulty you've been through. No one knows what difficulty means, but everyone knows that when you passed the hardship that means you went through a difficult time in your life. I would like to write the thoughts that wasn't heard by anyone. These are the words who appeared inside my head. The reason why I have to change plans. I convinced myself to change my environment with the hope that it will go away. With the conviction that it must be because I am alone and there was no one I can talk to. However, I came to realised that wherever I go it was just the same.
I will tell you about my thoughts. I am somewhat a strong person by impression. I always speak when needed, I never hide my opinion. I open up so easily to people who find time to talk to me. I easily make friends but easier to betray. I easily accept trust but one mistake it can easily be broken. I cherished friends whom even I thought could no longer be trusted. I accept critcism but cried silently. I dont want my pain to be visible but its uncontrollable.
My thoughts are... always have something to say but I can't do anything. I have problems that when I speak of it-it doesn't disappear. There was a point that everyday as I came home in my apartment, the same problem came up and there was no one who can help me. It is a problem that can be solved but it is something who appears after another. So there was no end to it even you tried to put a sense on to the person whos causing the problem. As a grown up or being the oldest you have understood but understanding in your side doesn't mean the opposite does. I planned the most dreadful plan in my life but it gave me comfort. I started to smile and be cheerful everyday even I know the people around me says something I must not like. I always told myself its okay, that they must see I'm strong as what they always think I am.
The plan is to end my suffering. I have that hope going home in my hometown. I even set that date. However, a day came that I remember one of my dreams and my bucketlist is no longer existing. I thought I forget about it but along those dreams, a memory that was supposed to be burried is awaken. I dare not to but it did and it was the worst time of my life. I realize what happened before I went home is nothing compared to that memory.
I ask myself what did I do in the past to forget it and leave normal like nothing happened? And why these simple problem lead me to plan a forbidden wish? Did I change myself back then or shall we say I wasn't the same. The wrong thing is to dream again because of it I remember the memory. And I wouldn't be in so much pain right now.
My thoughts are getting worst. I feel pain when it is not necessary. I feel lost when I am always in the place I can call home. I felt alone even I am sorrounded by people who cares and love me. I felt betrayed even without evidence. I felt so incomplete and broken when I know I am not. I felt empty even my mind speak to much and there were so much to do.
Someone help me. My mind keep me telling to end my life. I even daze in a conversation between myself in planning the scenario. Everytime I heard a news that someone successfully done it, I wanted to ask if it really ended the way I understand the thing. And if it does will I be free from this pain? There are many days I fought and I won. But the days aren't ending just like the time isn't stopping. I am completely defeated and it would only take a few beating until I give in. And when that time arrives Im sure this would be the letter that will prove my sufferings.
Until then, for now I will continue fighting..