No one could ever know the things you've been through but yourself. If only I could dig a hole right through my chest so that people could see the insides of me - and see more than just the visible. I hope they could see my misery behind all the laughters and smiles I carry day by day.
Ironically, here I am smiling, because that's what I am really good at. Faking it - Putting on a mask. And like everyone else, though we might not like it, we are living behind a mask we made ourselves. Hiding from the truth we are afraid to show. Our fears had finished us up until we are left empty. Yet, we still let it eat us though there is nothing much left to finish.
I painted a mask for myself. A scribble of colours to cover up the dullness I am currently feeling. Well I suppose I have more than my fingers can count, for I have one mask for each day. Versatility, they say. I really don't really own a identity, because I can be whatever I want myself to be - whatever others want me be to be. I can shift moods in split seconds, and that goes with my personality, too. But that's not what I really wanted. For so long I wanted to change my very own mentality. But behind this shifting and masking of thoughts, is a deeper need of acceptance from everybody. But then I realised, you never have to please anyone but yourself. And for years, I thought people will like me to be how they wanted me to be though it is far from being myself. Again, Acceptance- longing for this 10-letter word ever since. Forced myself to people who doesn't even like a single cent about me, and dumbly waiting for them to accept me. Yet they accepted the person who they thought I was, not the person who I really am.
People liked me when I was smiling yet they never cared when It's on concave. Well generally, that's what people do. They love you so much when you had everything, when you have the smiles and giggles, and when you don't have anymore laughters to share, they leave you. They make you feel so loved yet they leave you when you have nothing much left to give. They don't realise you've given it all up to them, and it hurts that they failed to see everything you've given. And it's circling to this every time. Love when full, leave when empty. And that's when I decided to mask up. To be always happy for people to have myself feel loved, and never show a bit of misery, depression, sorrow, and despair.
And it has never been easy. Mortal as I am, I never lived in a world of rainbows, unicorns and everything nice and beautiful. I am living in a world of roller coaster, a few ups and quite a lot of downfalls. Well everyone is living in a world same as I am, and everyone too, do not understand how the downs go, lying to themselves along the way, even myself. But I never learned, still I am wearing this mask of scribbles, glued it right on, and I don't think I have plans taking this off. It's better this way, I think.