I think one of the reasons why I am still single after two years is my natural tendency to stay faithful even when I’m not in a relationship. You could say I’m stupid, a fool, or whatever it may be that sounds and means I’m a fuck up person, but that’s just how I am today, and I’m starting to think you are all right.
I am single but when I like someone, I tend to give all my free time to that person. There is never a day I never wait and I know you know that waiting means you’d spend time for it even if it’s waiting in vain. I would wait for that small green icon to appear on his picture, and damn, who wouldn’t get excited with that sick dot? I would wait for his replies even if that’s just haha’s and hehe’s and hearts and smileys and stickers and whatever; just please, any reply would do! I would wait for ‘good morning’s at 5 PMs, ‘good night’s at 8 AMs, and ‘hi’s at midnights, and believe me, my body clock adjusts for these plain greetings. I would wait for chances, of opportunities, of unsure invitations, of coincidences that would bring us together in one place even if that means I’d be meeting strangers whom he call friends. I hate introducing myself, by the way, but never mind.
I am single but when I like someone, I tend to wear my dresses and skirts a lot more than usual, retouch my lipstick and powder every after 4 hours, smile more often than the circumstance requires me to, and look like I’m about to get laid for the night. Of course, this is expected to any other girl out there who wants to impress someone, but how about if I tell you that I don’t even see this person every day when I wear those things or if this happens in a bar or club when I’m with my drinking and dancing buddies? Yes, I am that kind of psycho yet I am also that inspired to go out and be the woman I think he’d get attracted to. The more I impress those irrelevant persons, the more I feel enough for him to like me, too. The more I turn on those assholes, the more I get confident that I might be attractive in his eyes, too. I don’t know if this is still about being faithful but just so you know, I hate wearing cycling shorts. It’s uncomfortable and I always need air down there.
I am single but when I like someone, I tend to lock myself inside a museum I made out of this certain person. I would roam around and get to know the things he is really good at and the ones he couldn’t do without cussing. I would listen to his fast heartbeats and what causes them, like when he talks about psycho-thriller movies, and make and models of fast cars I couldn’t pronounce. I would ask him about his scars, how he got them, and I would touch them just to see if they still hurt him. I would be in awe of everything even if he used to break hearts and hymens just for the fun of it. If this is bad for me, I guess the worse is that I close all doors, windows, exits, and manholes and never let anyone take me outside. I remain inside despite people telling me it’s time to leave; despite I’m slowly suffocating myself; despite people knocking just to get my attention. You see, I don’t care if that good looking writer, or that sexy engineer, or that kind and gentle teacher likes me because I am staying in this museum until I want and until I can.
Yes, that’s the kind of faithful I am whenever I’m single yet the persons I liked didn’t see it that way. They thought I was always in front of my phone, texting about 3 boys at the same time. They thought I was in bars and clubs, twerking and kissing strangers then woke up in cheap motels. They thought I was too nosy or insomniac that’s why I could stay up all night just to listen to their stories. They thought I was better off being a ‘girl’ friend they could call whenever they feel shitty and alone, than a girlfriend they don’t need to call because I’d always be right there beside them. I just don’t get it sometimes.
I am not getting any younger. Perhaps, I need to flirt more and forget about being faithful.