We never know what life is going to bring our way. Or what direction it might steer us towards. Some days we know what we want and work to achieve the goals we have laid out for ourselves. On other days, when our desires and judgement are both nebulous, we decide to take a step back and let the universe do the planning and working and execution for us. I believe that each one of us at some point in our lives did leave our future in the hands of fate or destiny or whatever you would like to call the phenomenon, irrespective of the intensity of our faith in them. I too, a few months ago, found myself in a convoluted situation, a way out of which I couldn’t seem to device for myself at the time. However, as is always with time-- it never stays the same, I found myself moving out of chaos and into order gradually, but not before I had learned a few new lessons and gotten to add to my kitty a handful of stories to narrate and share at social gatherings over the weekend.
For a twenty-two-year-old fresh out of post graduate school, securing a job with decent pay (some of my friends might argue) and decent perks to any sane, regular being would be a matter of prestige and joy and more so, of relief. In my case, the said job was with an MNC, the largest of the Big Four corporations of the world. I was recruited as a Consultant with their Risk Advisory line of business, words which up until that day had not mattered much in my dictionary.
Landing a job on day one of campus placements was crucial. Let me tell you why.
1. Not only was I a prospective, employable candidate like every other student of my batch but was also a member of the Placement Cell. It would make things a whole lot easier if I didn’t have to fret and worry about my employment status at the end of each day for the rest of the season while having to show up each day with a smile on my face for the recruiters.
2. I would be spared from having to go through the ordeal of endless waiting with no certainty of the kind of news I would get to share with my parents at the end of the day till placement season was to last.
It is a different kind of hurt to see your batch mates end up with offer letters in their hands before you, whilst having worked on getting those very companies on board to participate in your college’s placement cycle.
3. Also, what could possibly have been the odds of day one of placements starting the same day as my parent’s wedding anniversary? That was added pressure because it so happened that I ended up qualifying for the interview round of those companies which were visiting us the same day. Therefore, I could have either wished my parents a joyous wedding anniversary early in the morning at five before the madness was to begin or at the end of the day when it would be all over. But because I didn’t know if I’d crack the interview(s) and win a chance to explore life as a corporate slave, I had decided that I would call them in those 24 hours till it was to be their anniversary day only once, and that the wish would also bear news of my results.
Now, some of you might point out that I could have simply texted and wished them but come on folks, don’t any of you believe in some old school drama?
Anyhow, long story short, day gave way to night and night gave way to the next day and day one of campus placements officially came to an end. I would like to point out that I was the first one from the placement team to walk out of it employed. It is funny now, that I also turned out to be the first one from the team to walk out of employment; within six months from my date of joining to be precise. And that is what this personal diary-like entry is about- my journey of being a student, then a working professional and now a student-in-waiting. Yes, that is my current status. I am waiting to resume life on campus, crying over lectures scheduled on a Saturday and last-minute assignment undertakings.
I should also fill you in on the fact that enrolling myself to participate in the placement process hadn’t been my go-to plan while still in college in my third semester, at the end of which placement season commences. I had identified myself as a student, and a good one at that, for all of my twenty-one years of life and wasn’t looking forward to changing that bit about myself any time soon. I knew I didn’t have the head or the heart to pursue a PhD degree right after my Master’s program and figured than an MPhil or a second Master’s degree would be the right way to go.
I engaged myself in research and conversations which would help me decide what courses and universities to look at to pursue my academic ambitions. Moreover, moving out of the country and living by myself had seemed to me a natural and positive progression. After having lived away from home for almost five years, first in another city, and the second time around in another state altogether, I figured it was now time to up the stakes. I had gone so far out as to taking extra classes to prepare myself to take some exams I knew I needed to clear as part of the process of wanting to and applying to study in a foreign university.
It had all been going well until the magnitude of the process managed to overwhelm me and I, for a moment, found myself scared and lost. There had been no one in my family who had gone down this road. I had no one to reach out to at odd hours of the day or night with queries and doubts and my ever-growing apprehension. Sure, I had a handful of friends who could have helped (and also did) but they were either like me, figuring it out and crossing bridges as they came to them or they each had had different experiences and it was difficult to keep track of the many things they warned me and informed me about, of the process. I knew that sitting down for placements would be no cake walk either and I found myself at the threshold of a major decision, something I knew I had to make up my mind about soon. There was a clock on the wall and it was definitely ticking.
As fate (or destiny) would have it, plan A (which consisted of moving to another country and pursuing my academic interests) never saw the light of day and a plan B came into existence pretty much out of nowhere and you know the rest. First one from the team to be employed, first one to get out of it.
“Destiny is a feeling you have that you know something about yourself nobody else does. The picture you have in your own mind of what you’re about will come true.” (Bob Dylan)
The last semester passed us by in a flash and soon it was time to pack up and head back home. We would all begin work in about a month’s time from our homecoming and everybody was looking forward to enjoying those thirty days before the storm was to hit, in the best way they could. We had been beside each other in times of both comfort and distress and vowed to be around for all the good and the bad that adult work life was going to bring our way. Soon, joining dates were around the corner and each one of us prepped in our ways to take on the big, bad corporate world we had all heard so much about. Like the others, one fine June morning, it was my turn to catch the train and head out to work, the real kind. Work that paid you the big bucks so you could in turn pay the rent and utility bills and splurge on yourself during the holidays and buy presents for family and friends on their birthdays and anniversaries. Jeans made way for office pants, flip-flops made way for ballerinas and I had to invest in a fancy but sizeable handbag.
Now, I must make it clear that whatever follows should be viewed solely as my experience and mine alone. This isn’t a shout out to anybody out there for them to dump their desk binding job first thing in the morning and with it assume that all of their worries and self-doubt have also bid them farewell. Your time so far, as a stable, employed individual could have been very different than this and for those of who haven’t had a chance yet to walk down this road, fear not, this isn’t how it turns out to be for everybody.
There are people out there I know who adore and love and enjoy the work they are currently doing. They look forward to going to work every day. They appreciate challenges thrown their way and relish putting in the best of their efforts in solving problems. These are people, who if I may say, encouraged and motivated me, knowingly and unknowingly, to move out of a space I felt and knew I didn’t belong to and find or create work for myself which excited and enticed me every day of the week, all weeks of the month, all months of a year. I also understand that there could be and probably are people out there who haven’t yet found their true calling per say, but also aren’t miserable and despondent with their jobs. They are satisfied with where they are and what they have. Neither does their work make them question their sense of being, nor does it poke at their moral compass.
My probation period was to last six months. Probation is that period when an individual occupies a position only conditionally and may be easily removed for poor performance. How it typically works is that once your probation period expires, your work and contribution so far is reviewed and if it’s all in order you are hired permanently for the same position. I figured six months was sufficient time (not too much, not too little) for me to understand what was expected of me as a consultant and I would have a better understanding of my work, my skills, my expectations (in case they needed revision) and what it was to be a paid, working individual of the 21st century.
I’ll let you in on a little secret. It never got to the point where I had to wonder or worry about if they would have me or not. I didn’t need much time to make up my mind and decide that I didn’t want to stay; not until the end of my probation, not for at least a year (cause then it would count as acceptable work experience on my resume), not until my contract period was to expire (wherein if I left any time before 18 months I’d have to return the joining bonus amount I’d been paid when I had started work). Some may consider my decision to leave work (my first job) within 6 months careless or stupid or immature or premature. I hear you. I am thankful for your concern. I am not writing off your advice as nonsensical bullshit (I swear). But you should know that though this move was a little hasty (I agree) it is what I had needed to do, for myself. I am not somebody who only preaches but never practices. I knew this jumping in and out of work without having stuck around long enough to grasp the nuances could come bite me in the ass in the short/long term but I was prepared to deal with the challenges this shift would bring head on. I knew that days ahead would be riddled with anxiety and uncertainty but I was confident of my abilities to deal with strenuous times with dignity and patience. I was willing to fight tough times which I knew would lead me to brighter, happier days than fight tough times which weren’t my construction and which I knew I could move away from by choosing a certain life path for myself and ditching the one I was currently on. Though six months in a new environment does not seem like a long time, each day was spent introspecting and analysing the situation, inside my body and outside my mind. I did not jump out of it with no preparation or sane thought. I knew what was expected of me in that moment and I believe I came through.
“The only advice, indeed, that one person can give another is to take no advice, to follow your own instincts, to use your own reason, to come to your own conclusions.” (Virginia Woolf)
Here is a semi-exhaustive list (of sorts) of lessons I learnt, experiences I had and some observations I made, about self, my workplace, the people I was engaged with and how it all comes down to you and what you want from your life. At the end of the day it is your call, your choice. And like all choices we invest in, in our lives, this one too will affect you first and then those around you. So, take a breath and be brave.
1. Barring my academic interests, I had always known that working for (not with) an MNC had never been my ultimate goal. It wasn’t something I had wanted to do for the rest of my life or as I had it figured out, for the next year and a half or for a trial period of six months. I wasn’t going to keep myself tethered to a place where I felt no sense of belonging. I didn’t need any sticking around to find out that I had wanted to leave all along anyway. If not to pursue another Master’s degree, I know I would have sooner rather than later opted out and switched to a workplace I’d wanted to be a part of.
I am happy now that I know what questions to ask but more so about the answers I know I am looking for.
2. I understood early on that it could never be only about the money. It was necessary for there to be a sync between work expected, work delegated and work completed in order to determine adequate compensation for an employee. A fat pay cheque or an unexpected bonus couldn’t be the answer to an absent work-life balance. That wasn’t supposed to be a myth. If one was okay with their work lifestyle because they believed they were being taken care of and were compensated appropriately, all was well. But if that wasn’t the case, then no obscene amount of money slid over an employee’s way could make up for lost personal time.
Nobody should be throwing money in your face, expecting you to be okay with things you weren’t okay with simply because they had paid you well.
3. You could never perform to the best of your capabilities if you feared or were constantly reminded of the fact that you were dispensable.
If you find yourself wondering, more often than you should, about whether you are an asset or a liability to the company you work for, that’s a red flag right there which cannot and should not be ignored.
4. Learn to identify the difference between your senior at work providing you with autonomy because they believe in your skills/abilities or if you’ve landed in a fend for yourself zone with no adequate guidance/direction from your boss because he/she couldn’t care any less about mentorship.
5. During my short stint at work I also got to witness a corporate off-site. I could tell that people were having fun and enjoying the one-night free hotel stay at a swanky five-star hotel in the city. Unfortunately, to me, it looked like a pity party thrown by senior management (who were themselves absent) for over-worked and under-paid employees.
You should feel and be truly respected and celebrated at your workplace. Know when it’s real and when it's only sweet talk.
6. After a senior manager I was working with got a whiff of my desire to leave the organisation, he counselled me at length and suggested that I reconsider my decision. He said, “Not much would change in a years’ time. You are young, you have time on your side. Why don’t you stick around for a year, a year and a half maybe and then decide what you want to do?” He went on to add, “You are smart, I know that. You’ll tackle work assigned to you, that’s no problem. But unless you attach a sense of ownership to your work, you won’t have any fun doing it. You have to give it your heart.”
He was right, I agree. But. First off, a year or a year and a half wasn’t little time. A lot could change in that span. A significant lot. Secondly, if I was young and did have time on my side then why not take a risk, a calculated one but a risk nonetheless and pursue a path closer to heart. Lastly, why spend any part of my life doing something I knew I could but didn’t want to?
7. When in a dilemma, reach out to rational and fair individuals who will hear you out and offer help which is genuine and well thought after. I’d expressed my concerns to another senior manager who I was briefly tagged to while working on a project who provided me with safe space at work to discuss my situation. She was patient and kind and had only one thing to say to me. She said, “Do not live your life bogged down by what-ifs. If you wish to resign and follow your heart and walk yourself down a road which is completely different than the one you are on right now, then do it. There’s no point sticking around if all you can think about is leaving.” She also shared some personal stories with me to do with her experiences with work and life which really helped me line up my thoughts better in my head.
Do not hesitate to seek help. It doesn’t mean that you’ve failed at something, it only means that you aren’t in it alone. (I came across that last bit somewhere recently.)
8. A young and promising colleague faced a minor health scare which was brought on because of stress at work since long working hours, lack of self-care and busy weekends left no time for this colleague to rest, replenish and conserve her energy. She had to take off from work for a while and returned to work with redefined *conditions apply.
What bothered me was that despite knowing that her work environment wasn’t at its best, my colleague had done nothing in the past to alter it. I understand that sometimes opportunities present themselves to us such that it is either a make it or break it situation, but you cannot allow for misplaced ambition to take over your life. Never discount your position for another’s benefit. Know where to draw the line and make sure that people respect your demand for time off.
9. I could never wrap my head around concepts of working weekends o work-from-home or not engaged in work full time over a weekend but keeping oneself available for work in case there was an emergency or a sudden need to draft an email or edit a presentation.
I’d begun to dread my cell phone, because you just didn’t know if the next call or a text notification was from a friend asking you out for lunch or if it was work calling, at odd hours of the day and night.
10. Gender disparity at work was evident, be it representation of women in senior management or the general attitude at work towards female employees. Nobody ridiculed or belittled women. They were an important part of the workforce. However, actions and interactions, both subtle and obvious, did re-establish the fact that women still had a long march ahead of them until equality was a reality.
David Brooks wrote an article for The New York Times titled The Moral Bucket List. He also addressed an audience at a TED Talk to discuss the very ideas he spoke about in the article. “It occurred to me that there were two sets of virtues, the resume virtues and the eulogy virtues. The resume virtues are the skills you bring to the marketplace. The eulogy virtues are the ones that are talked about at your funeral — whether you were kind, brave, honest or faithful. Were you capable of deep love?”
Maybe if I had stayed for longer I would have added a great deal to my resume virtues. That is a possibility but we do not know for sure. However, having chosen to go down the path that I did ultimately pick, I know I did add to my eulogy virtues.
I was kind. I was brave. I was honest. I was faithful. To myself.
What’s more that you can do for yourself in this life anyway?
PS: I currently hold acceptance letters from the three universities I had applied to. Yes, I was fortunate enough to be accepted by all three universities. Right now, I am occupied with evaluating and assessing my options to make sure I pick the best out of what I have in hand.
I am extremely grateful to my family and close friends who have been by my side all throughout this treacherous journey and showered me with their support, guidance and belief.
You do not have to fake it till you make it. Choose your real self each day and that is what will make all the difference.