Lately, I have had a lot of issues with myself. I am a Computer Science student and will soon complete my Master degree. Last semester, I got placed in one of the world's biggest IT giants and in a blink of an eye, I made everyone proud. I am a resident of Kolkata and have never gone out of the city alone. I was a bit skeptical and apprehensive as to how the things might turn up in future. The first mistake I made was that I never expected that I would crack such a tough exam and secondly, things will escalate at such a fast pace. To be honest, I am not really a careerist and am not well organized with my future plans. I didn't see this thing coming and was in a soup. I did not want to come out of my comfort zone and refused the offer immediately. The college authority didn't take it in a positive way and termed me a criminal. I was taken aback and my relatives too did not accept my decision wholeheartedly. I thought I let everyone down as nobody would turn down such a big opportunity. Having said that, my emotional self always backed me up as it never wanted to be in the rat race but looked forward to the spring to come, for the next spell of rain and a walk down the streets. On the other hand, my intellectual self-was punitive enough to steal away my sleep. I was constantly punishing myself and judging every move that I took but my emotional side was relieved that it had a chance of living its life the way it was. I was eaten up by agoraphobia and would often feel that I'll be beaten for committing a "crime". I shared everything with my friend and some would say that it was not at all a problem and some would try and console me. I kept on punishing myself for being selfish, for being unorganized, for being a coward and for breaking the flow of my career graph that was constantly rising. I stopped having a normal life and started asking as to why I was suffering so much at such a trivial issue. With time my body refused to function properly and I collapsed in the bathroom. Before that, things weren't okay as far as my family was concerned and I was constantly rebuked for making such a decision and this ill-health came as a blessing in disguise. I don't blame my family, they want to see me successful, they have their expectations but I did what I had to. I never thought a single "no" would cost this much.
I started blaming myself for the mess I created and the emotional side that held me back.
I play the synthesizer and the only positive vibe I got was from my music teacher, the rest was all negative.
Things took a turn when I visited a counselor. She pointed out some basic things that helped me re-discover myself. I expressed all my problems and I was desperate to get out of the predicament. I knew what my problem, as well as the solution but I, did not how to reach the point where the solution lied. The basic things she spoke about were:
1. I was judging myself.
2. I was punishing myself for not accepting the offer contrary to what someone else in my position would do.
3. I hated myself for being too emotional.
4. My agoraphobia was due to the fact that I was assuming that people outside the home would hate me for my decision.
I gave myself time and worked on them and came to a few conclusions.
1. I judge myself, in simple words I haven't acknowledged myself the way I am.
2. My punitive nature came up just because I wasn't doing the way the world does and I was saying it as a "crime".
3. I was having a war with my emotional self and that made things worse.
4. I was reading people's minds and assuming that I was being hated and imposing that on myself.
And then I stopped judging myself and started the process of accepting the way I am. What effect will other's opinion have on me? How long will it last? Two days at maximum. If I opt out of the rat race and love the wind, the rain, then so be it. It's fine if I am not a typical careerist. If my heart and mind know what I am doing, it's okay if the world doesn't like it, what the world wants is temporary, what I want is permanent. It's my life after all.
I always said that "This man drives me crazy."
Having said that, I always submitted myself to that "man".
Why should anybody else be the owner of my mind? Or why should I allow my mind to control myself?
People would often ask me what my future plan was. I would say to do a job, own a company. Now, I would say, my plan is to own my mind, the rest will automatically follow.
Now, I command myself what to think the whole day, read books, go for regular walks, play with street dogs, etc. The secret to being happy is not in making a big change, but making small changes in our daily lives such that we are no stagnated and be our own slave. I suggest you, sing in the shower, laugh out loud, express love to your dear ones and take things easy.
I suggest you feel the rain as the rat race is temporary and can wait, your happiness cannot.