I am so confused right now. A flux of thoughts and mixed feelings are rushing through my mind and soul. Why was I raised this way? Why wasn't I taught to be fearless since young age? Why wasn't I brought up to be a scientist, a doctor, a philanthropist, an adventurer? Why is it my fault that my parents did what they did? Why? How come same people my age live a fruitful childhood and grew up speaking 5 and 6 language, having great personality, hell even my voice is so low and weak. So much that I have to do to amend the broken past, to fill the gaps, to teach myself from scratch, to break the chains and bubbles that I was forcefully surrounded with as a child and a teenager. Why is always that people who deserve less receive more? How come evil gets everything and everyone, but good is gets nothing and no one? Instead, it is muzzled, avoided, embattled and disenfranchised? Till when do we have to deal with this cruelty, absurdism and haphazardness?
I feel numb and dejected all the time and can't seem to free myself from the claws of this animal that is pushing me over, holding me down, preventing me from a prosperous productive life of fulfillment. When will it let me sleep at night and leave me the hell alone. I close my eyes but see nothing save darkness and nightmares stabbing at my eyes waking me up, leaving me drowning in my sorrows and regrets. Nothing makes it any worse than knowing that you have so much potential that is being wasted in this abyss, in these chains, among these sneaky foxes that take your dreams away from you, leaving you helpless and fragile in a greedy dog-eat-dog world. Sometimes I just wonder whether becoming and vicious a-hole is the only response to these feelings. To feel strong again, I need to be a lion, either eat or be eaten. I hate myself for thinking that but this cruel world occupied by these egregious creatures called homo sapiens leave you no choice. Fight or... Fight.