“No one will ever love you…”
Those were the last words I had heard from my ex. I’ve had sleepless nights ever since. Nightmares of being choked to death by everyone around me haunted me in my sleep. I chugged bottles of absinthe every evening thinking it’ll soothe my pain, and it never did. The nightmares kept coming. I was afraid for what would become of my life.
I met my ex in high school. She was always smiling, always glowing, easy to find in a crowd because of how beautiful she was. Of all the handsome, charming guys in my class, she chose to talk to me – the weird kid with an unshaven puberty mustache, who collected bottle caps as a hobby and watched pottery videos as a pastime. I have no idea why she liked me in the first place. What was so special about me that she decided to come and talk to me, of all people? Nevertheless, we fell in love, and our relationship had lasted for 3 years, until that dreadful day. I had no idea what I did. I didn’t know what I said that could’ve hurt her feelings. All I remembered was that one sentence, the sentence that kept me in a state of anguish, pain, and horror.
I woke up from the usual nightmare, this time I was saved by my alarm clock that rang just in time for me to prepare myself to go to work. I lazily got off of my bed, brushed my teeth, and wore my shirt and tie in a sloth-like pace. While I was ordering a cab from my phone, I glanced at today’s date. The high school reunion is in 10 days. My heart pounded rapidly. The memories from high school flowed into my head like a rush of blood: the people who bullied me, the embarrassing moments that turned me into a more awkward person than before, the constant weeping… I didn’t know if I had enough time to reconstruct my self-esteem and show everyone that I’ve changed for the better. Who am I kidding? It sucked to be me.
I grinded my way through work, and headed back home. A notification bell rang on my phone. It’s Ivan from high school. He sent me an invitation to a rock night in the bar 2 blocks away from my home. I haven’t picked up my guitar in years, and my band had been on a hiatus for a long time. I didn’t see why I shouldn’t go, so I went.
Ivan was waiting for me in the middle of the crowd. “Richard! It’s so good to see you, man!” he excitedly greeted me and gave me a hug. Everyone around me watched the show, went all crazy, and had lots of fun.
As the show came to an end and the crowds started to move towards the exit, Ivan offered to buy me drinks over a little chit-chat.
“What’s the matter, Rick? You look like someone ran over your dog.”
“It’s nothing,” I said in a weak voice. “I’m just a bit exhausted from work.”
“I see,” said Ivan in an unsure tone. “Hey, I heard there’s a reunion next week, you going?”
“I haven’t made a decision yet.”
“Look, I get it. It’s too much unneeded nostalgia. But everyone’s going, you know? High school days are over, and those bullies you faced, these guys have jobs now. They’re too busy grinding to even think of bullying anyone.”
“I doubt that. It’s either they’re the same, or they’ve changed for the worse.”
“Come on, it’s not like these guys travel to Ibiza every 3 weeks and have mansions and shit, no, if anything, I’m sure they’re getting humiliated by their bosses every day at work.”
“You’re saying this just to comfort me.”
“Partly, yes. But for the most part, they really aren’t having as much fun as you think they do.”
I grabbed my belongings and started getting off my seat. “Well, Ivan, I’ve got to go. It’s great seeing you, but I really need to rest.” We said our goodbyes and I headed out of the bar.
All I thought of on my way out was the reunion. What face am I going to show up with? How will anyone not feel put off by the terrible shape I’m currently in? I can’t fix this in 10 days!
On my way home, I encountered a mysterious man who stopped me in the middle of my walk. “You’re Richard Evans, right? Man, your band rocks!” said the man in excitement. “Can I have your autograph?”
“What are you talking about? We’re not even famous.”
The man’s voice changed to an almost demonic tone, “you think so little of yourself, Richard Evans,” and faster than I could say “what the hell is going on?” everything around me went dark.
I feared it’d be one of those nightmares, but I was conscious and my eyes were wide open. I found myself in a dark cloud, when a figure, seemingly male, came out of the shadows. I did not know what he was, but his eyes looked like they were sewn shut, and he had a third eye on his forehead.
“Greetings, Richard. Do not fear me, for I am only here out of concern for your well-being.”
“Whoever you are, this is really not the way to make an entrance to do such thing.”
“I understand your feelings, but I am merely here to help you. I do not intend any ill towards you.”
“Can you just explain what the hell is going on here? I mean, you don’t look like the heavenly type, and I feel like you’re going to ask me to sell my soul for something, so I am extremely confused and I have no idea—”
“I have heard of your plight. I do not wish to obtain your soul, I’m only here to offer you a chance at redemption. Please, sit.”
The mysterious figure conjured up a chair behind me from nothingness, on which I sat, trying to keep myself together and stop hyperventilating.
“My offer is simple. I shall grant you the ability to see into the hearts of people.”
“Make me believe you. I don’t believe anything that is happening right now. Are you some sort of high-school-reunion genie? Because if what you’re saying is true then—”
“I have only invited you to talk because I saw that you were pure. Alas, your purity has been tainted over the years. You hold so much darkness in your heart that was once bright.”
“Okay, time-out. You’ve seen into my heart, right?”
“Yes.”
“You know I’m 100% atheist, right? I mean, all of this is too biblical: the entrance, the attire, the way you speak, your looks – all of it. I want solid evidence that these aren’t a bunch of lame theatrics.”
“You shall find the proof you seek once we are done. All I ask of you is to have faith, and listen to my offer.”
“Fair enough. Hit me.”
“As soon as you leave this place, you shall have the ability to see into the hearts of people around you. You shall know their nature, their intentions, and what emotion they feel towards you. However, there is only one person whose intentions you will not be able to see.”
“Who would that be?”
“That is for you to find out. Everything will be revealed in the right time.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Have faith. It is time for you to explore your new ability. Farewell.”
And just like that, I was no longer in a cloud of darkness. The next thing you know, I was in my bedroom, in bed as if I had just woken up. I felt like I’ve had enough sleep, even though I remember being so tense and frightened just a few seconds earlier. Again, I “woke up” just in time for work, except…
Today was the reunion.
My heart kept racing. I was panicking like never before. And—and today wasn’t even a work day! What am I to do? I didn’t feel like sleeping again. I wore my casual clothes and headed down to the coffee shop to get my fix of joe.
As soon as I took a seat, a waiter came up to me and asked what I would like to order. I was distracted – heavily distracted. I felt like I know her. I’d never even met her before. Why did she seem so familiar? I tried to fight the feeling and asked for a cup of coffee. A few minutes later, my coffee had arrived, and just before I took the first sip, I stopped to think, why on earth would I get the impression that a waiter, whom I had met just that second, was an evil person who finds fun in terrorizing stray cats?
Oh yeah… the figure was real. He was not a figment of my imagination. As much as I didn’t want to admit it, this guy gave me superpowers. For what end? I had no idea. All I thought of was this: no one was going to be able to fool me or lie to me again. I felt so secure and relieved. I felt invincible, too. This surge of confidence in my system made me feel much better than I ever was before.
I spent a good 3 hours quietly and sneakily eavesdropping on what’s inside everyone’s soul. On my way home, I realized that a handful of people thought I was good-looking, the janitor hated the way I walked, and for some reason, the security guard of the building I live in was happy to see me. I’m almost impressed by how this was perfectly hidden from me. It seemed like I was not supposed to know these things.
I was 2 hours away from the reunion. I was no longer afraid of today. I was so ready and excited for what was to come. I decided to call Ivan to see whether he’d be cool to sit down and have some drinks before the reunion. 30 minutes later, I was already at the coffee shop, and Ivan had arrived. I was happy to see him at first, but my grin faded away as I saw his dark heart. Ivan, an evil person? And not just evil, he hates me? Why? He was just giving me a pep talk a few days ago! Could it be?
“Hey man, glad you’re going to the reunion after all!” Ivan said with a wide, unsettling grin on his face.
I could not listen any further. I went into auto-pilot mode and just let him talk for an hour. I was in disbelief. As it turned out, he considered me a running joke among – guess who – the people who bullied me back in high school. He was only talking to me all this time so that he could have something to laugh about with the other jocks.
It was time. We arrived at our school, and with one glance I could see each and every one’s feelings towards me. I was devastated. So many people liked me. And lo and behold, the bullies themselves… Ivan was right, they’ve given up on being bullies. But how come Ivan’s the one who wants me dead?
I walked up to those guys, made small talk, and as soon as Ivan tried to barge in, the “jocks” gave him a look of rejection. They knew, just as I had known. Ivan took a few steps back and returned to whence he came.
“Look, Rick,” one of my former bullies said in a sheepish voice, “I don’t know if it’s the right time to say this but—”
“It’s alright. I get it. We’ve all been through a lot.”
“We’re just really glad you’re well. And we’re sorry for any damage that had been caused.”
“Thank you. That’s all I needed to—”
I froze. I couldn’t speak. There she was – my ex – walking right across from me. I had so much to say. I wanted to tell her that I became a changed man. I wanted to ask her why she said those words, the words that shattered my reality, but I did not know what to expect. I went up to approach her, and I did not remember anything after that. All I remember was the sound of shattering glass right behind my head, and a huge thud.
I woke up in the dark cloud again. The figure approached me.
“We meet again.”
“Why did you put me through all of this?” I muttered, while fighting a tear coming out of my eye.
“Do you remember seeing anything peculiar? Anything odd?”
“I don’t want to remember anything.”
“Reach for it. You have seen what’s behind the veil for yourself. Did you notice anything?”
“Faith…”
“What did you see in her?”
“I could not see what was inside her heart. It was all I needed to know the reason why I suffered for so long.”
“Shall I tell you what’s inside her heart?”
“No.” A few seconds of deafening silence passed. “I don’t want to know. I’ve seen enough.”
“Richard Evans, I believe you now have learned a valuable lesson.”
“Yes. I’ve learned that I’ve trusted the wrong people all along. I’ve learned that people can and will desert you for no reason, no reason at all! And you… you just came into my life, screwed it up, and left me hanging without even giving me a straight answer, for what end?!”
“Have you tried looking into your own heart, Richard?”
I did. I looked into my heart. It was almost fully glowing, except for a small speck of void right in the middle. I did not know what to make of this.
“Your heart did not look like this before our first encounter. You surely have become a better version of who you are.”
“But… what about Faith? Why does she hate me? Why did she let me suffer?!”
“All will be revealed in due time. We part ways here.”
“No, I need to know the truth!”
“Take care of yourself, Richard Evans.”
And everything went blank. Then I woke up in my own head. I didn’t want to look at first, but I opened my eyes and saw a maze-like place where all my memories can be relived. I got up and strolled in the corridors of my memories. Memories of work, memories of high school… and there they were, memories of Faith. I walked through them. I ran, even, just to go to that one moment, the moment I feared, the moment that made my whole being tremble for so many years. I wasn’t hopeful that I’d find the answer to my problems there. I arrived at my destination. I saw myself coming back home, scarred, bruised. Faith stopped me on my way up to my place. “What happened to you, Rick?” She shouted, visibly concerned and frightened.
“I can’t take it anymore! I want to die!”
“But, Rick, it’s not the end yet… this can be fixed!”
“I’ve been in this battle long enough, I have no energy, no time, no will to live. Everyone hates me! Look at me. Look at this ugly face! I’m a far cry from being what I want to be!”
“Rick, these scars… who did this to you?”
I hesitated to spit it out.
“… I did.”
Faith stood there, shocked, speechless.
“And I’m not even sorry!” I wanted to punch the old me in the face, but I did not know why I felt that way.
Faith was visibly angry at me. She almost teared up, but was strong enough to hold it in. And then the moment came.
“Rick…”
I took a deep breath in for what’s to come.
“… no one will ever love you…”
I closed my eyes, hoping the nightmares wouldn’t interrupt this memory like they always did.
“… if you don’t try and love yourself for once.”
That was it. That’s what I came here for. I then knew what I must do. But… was I dead?
It was dark again. This time, I opened my eyes to a bright light above me. I was in a hospital bed. I felt intense pain in the back of my skull. I looked to my left, and there she was. She ran to me, embraced me and told me that everything will be alright. For the first time in years, I felt this unusual feeling. The feeling of being loved. The feeling of being cared about. I made it. I fought the demons in my head all these years, and now I made it. I looked into her eyes, and I knew then what to say to her.
“I’m sorry.”
Faith looked at me with astonishment.
“Faith… I’m happy that I found you again.”