She walked out of the shops after purchasing gifts for her sister’s new-born daughter. Her legs automatically took her to her favourite breakfast café. It had been so long. She relaxed and sat on the familiar porch outside the café sipping a cuppa. Soon she was engrossed in her favourite pastime, observing the surrounding people. This environment here brought up a sense of familiarity and longing inside her.
It had been a long time since she had visited this city. This city brought back long, forcefully forgotten, deeply buried and bitter-sweet feelings back into the forefront of her mind. Feelings, which made her feel warm, mushy, and fuzzy and tingled her insides. Feelings, which she had dared to act upon only once in her whole life. Feelings, which gave her great comfort on long, exhausting days and empty, dark nights. Feelings, which never failed to bring a smile on her face even during the darkest nights. Feelings, about him….
He was not so tall. His teeth were quite crooked. His hair were always framed messily around his head, not that he bothered to actually brush it. Yet he was perfect. He always had a sense of calm and seriousness surrounding him even though his eyes always held a mischievous spark in them. She had known him previously, but just as some other senior in the college or passing by the café. She had gotten to know him better as they had an elective together. It was a management elective, so one was always put into spotlight and had to put forward their points with conviction. He always came smartly dressed, in his trademark stripped tie, stark-white shirt and charcoal grey coat and trousers. He never deterred to put up his points flawlessly even though the teacher disagreed. He would always be able to stir away the meeting when things got messy or command a group discussion easily. It was this quality of him which endeared her the most. Many would say that he was her intellectual crush. But she knew better. She liked him. She had feelings for him. Feelings, which were genuine. Feelings, which she seldom felt.
But alas, he was already spoken for. For the girl he was with was one of the most beautiful and popular ones on the campus. She was perfect in academics, in public speaking and dare to say, perfect for him. They were one of the most likeable couples on the campus. She would never be able to compete with his girlfriend. Both of them so perfect, content and happy. They were always together. While sitting together, they would subconsciously lean towards each other; hand would be joined as if they were always to be held all the way. While walking together he would unknowingly give his hand to her and she would trustingly put her hand in his and they would walk away together. She herself knew that they were quite a cute couple. She would never break them. But these feelings were slowly eating her up.
For the first time in life, she decided to follow her heart rather than her mind. She would not break them, but at least tell him about her crush. She knew it was illogical, she saw no other way. One day, she met him outside the café after taking a cuppa. It was his second-last day in the college. For once, his girlfriend was not with him. She made a hasty decision. She didn’t know whether or not her decision was appropriate, but she wanted to tell him before he left the college forever. “Hi”, she said. “Packing finished?” ”No, not yet done”, he replied. “Adam, I want to tell you something”, she hesitated. “What happened? Is everything ok?” he asked, noting her expression. ‘You never miss anything, do you? ’ she thought fondly. “Yes, yes; everything is fine.” She replied. “I just wanted to say that I really like you. Not just as a friend, but I have a terrible crush on you.” she said. “You know that I do have a girlfriend, don’t you?” Adam said. He was quite confused now. “Yes Adam, I very well know that and I would never come in between the two of you”, she replied. “I just wanted you to know about it. I know it’s a little weird for you but I would never be able to life with the fact I liked you, but never told you about it. I know after this even our friendship would suffer, but I just couldn’t hold myself back.” With this, she rubbed his arm, took a last look at him, and turned away. She walked down the path, feeling lighter after having listened to her heart, not mind. She never looked back.
Her thoughts suddenly jerked back to reality. Many a times, she thought how cruel it would have been on him that day. She always wondered for a long time what would have happened if she had looked back. Eventually down the line, she buried these feelings in deep recess of her mind. It had been six years since that incident to this day. ‘I hope he is happy wherever he is’ she thought. Just then she saw a lone man crossing the road. ‘Oh my goodness!! Is that him?’ ‘Of all the days why is it he had to appear in front of me today?’ she thought. She was dreading the moment if he saw her. She had the whole plan of silently getting up and running away. She got up, but at the same time, his eyes swept over her. ‘Oh no, he saw me’ she turned around and was once again ready to leave and never turn back. Just then, his voice washed over her, “Hi, remember me? I am Adam, your course mate” How could she not remember him? “Hi, how are you?” she asked. Even though she was deliriously happy after meeting him after all these years, she was dreading the moment where he would mention his girlfriend or rather his fiancé or wife after all these years. At the back of her mind she was silently hoping that he was single and she would have a chance with him. Pleasantries were offered and conversation easily flowed without any awkwardness even after meeting for the first time in these six years. After some time, as they sat sipping a cuppa or rather a second one in her case and comfortable silence stretched between them. Finally, she asked the question which she desperately wanted to ask ever since she saw him, “How is Samantha?” He just shrugged and replied, “Might be ok” Now she was confused. Last time she had heard, he was planning to propose her. “What happened? Is everything ok?” She asked; repeating the same words which he had said all those years ago. Then she looked into his eyes and inwardly gasped. They had turned long, unending, empty tunnels. Gone was that ever present mischievous spark and was replaced by two empty, sorrowful hollows. “She didn’t want to get settled. She accepted the proposal but then things started to sour. She wanted to focus on career not on marriage. I told her that I don’t have any problem even if you continue your career after marriage. Then she started criticizing me every small thing and nearly a year before the dam finally broke. She said that she had no intention of getting married or even staying with me. She said that she had accepted a job offer overseas and planning to go the next month. It was a huge shock for me. I have not been in contact with her ever since. ”
She was shocked. They were such a happy couple. She never thought that Samantha would do something like this. There was something which was holding him back. He was hiding something. She let it go. She didn’t expect him to open up completely after meeting for the first time after all these years. He looked so helpless and sad. She reached for his hand impulsively “Hey, everything will be ok” “Do you really believe that?” For a moment he seemed so vulnerable that a sense of protectiveness washed over her. “Yes, I do. Leave that for now. Why don’t we just go and have a stroll along the beach?” He agreed. By the time she returned to her hotel, she had managed to bring some of the spark missing from his eyes and coaxed a promise from to meet again the next day.
Feelings, which she had repressed for a better part of the decade, had resurfaced again today. But now was not the time to remember these feelings. Adam was in need of a good friend at this moment and a good friendship was something which she was going to provide him. Feelings, which now again needed to be forgotten. Feelings, which she hoped from a long time from now would be finally reciprocated.
But she was not so sure, for that these feelings had always remained forgotten.