These are the times am completely fucked up and the worst part is I dont even recognize its me and myself.
It feels I have left my accent somewhere.It feels am far away from who I was,the determined fellow with atleast something to live about.
Now I do know am doing bad things or the things which aren't good for me.But I cant stop.I can't come to place.
Its like am escaping from my own deepness because somewhere it carries pain.
And I just focus on keeping myself busy into things that is not even worth it and my life sucks more.
Nowdays it feels am empty.A worthless hallow person,waiting for nothing and living in nowhere, and not even acknowledging myself.
And I dont even wanna admit that am living the hell.
Due to the emptiness I have I just wanna feel something.Like anything.Just to realize am alive and not dead.I dance like mads,I watch porn like maniacs,I sleep in the sleep of unrest and I just watch anything to everything to kill my thoughts from circling me,comming back from my past and hence to waste time.
I just wanna pass this dirty phase because I have heard time heals.And maybe it does!! But living to just fill myself with that little distracted thoughts so my mind doesnt invite my past, is not enough.
Sometimes nowadays I go blank,just when I do nothing or sitting,I again feel nothing.Like nothing.Not even sorrow and sadness.Its just like blackout!!
I dont know why I dont have guts or inspiration to fight this battle.I don't know why am so weak and struggler alike.It feels I have started following escapism just to hibernate from all the realities challenging me!!
Its hard to feel this feeling of nothing and doing anything to feel something! Its like hiding in your own room and finding solace that you are away from all those bullshits.
But am surely living the life where am incognito and unknown.Wasting my own energies and strategies and even hampering my future with stuffs.
:(