Rhea was an active high school student when she first met Jaden. It was an awkward encounter between the two. Rhea never had a boyfriend or even a suitor. She usually has this snob look in her face and so focused on the things in school. Her friends tend to tease her with the boys they meet. Until this one unexpected tease happened that she will never ever forget.
Jaden was a freshman college. Literally fresh from his thug life during his high school life. As he planned to change on his college life, he met Rhea. It was an awkward and unexpected encounter. But it was a lifetime memory.
That one afternoon at the school yard. Rhea was picking plants for their garden as Jaden was passing by. One of her friend call Jaden to tease Rhea to him. She was never good on reacting on their teasing. She kept her head down low and never look on the guy they're teasing. Jaden, on the other hand, looked at her.
The next day, her friends excitedly told her what he told them about her. He said, she's pretty young lady. This made her laugh thinking how did he even manage to look at her with her head she put down as best as she can? He even thinks old of himself for her, she thought.
Since then, she can't stop thinking about him. She can't help but notice him outside the gate every after school. She can't help but see him stay there until she gets home safe and then go his own way passing by her house. She don't understand why she can't breath whenever they passed by each other. It was like that in the movie when your surroundings gets slow motion that prolongs her anxiety of passing by him... So close that she could smell his scent. She heard something... She felt something... She can hardly breathe... Her heart thumping heavily... She can hear nothing but her heart... She's liking him!
She likes him but she kept on denying it. As she denies it more, she's liking him more and more. She don't want her friends to tease her. And she's so afraid that it's only her who feels that way. So, she kept what she have and put it in paper through her pen.
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What's this am I feelin'?
Thoughts of you is cruisin'?
In my mind that becomes so restless;
That's making my life so worthless.
What's this am I doin'?
'Cause of you I'm workin';
Facing the mirror, I can't determine,
Is it really me? What was happenin'?
Who is this am I longing?
I think it's you I'm missing;
Don't know why I can't rid of you;
In my mind that is own by you.
How lucky you are bein' in my mind?
How dare you are to conquer my mind!
Why can't I fight these feelings of mine?
Hating you but still longing for a sign.
Maybe someday you will step in front of me,
Holding my hand and asking me not to leave;
What a fool! Having a heart that's foolish;
Hoping for nothing but still can't be ceased. #czary041308
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Unexpectedly, Jaden reached out for Rhea. But, she just couldn't believe it. She was too young and innocent. She thought her friends just set this up for her and Jaden's intention is not real. Their first acquiantance didn't went well. And Jaden just stop reaching out for her. She regretted it. She should have known how to react and what to say when he approached her.
She spent her remaining high school life hoping that Jaden would approach her again. Seeing him frequently in campus without any hi or hello hurt her. But what hurt her more is whenever she saw him with another girl. Silently, they went on separate ways.
Couple of months after her graduation, Rhea received a news that broke her heart for the first time, Jaden is getting married. It left her speechless the first time she heard it. She can't believe and doesn't want to believe it. For the first time, a tear flows from her eyes... She's hurting.
Rhea took her college degree far from her home. She wanted to forget and move on. It might be her first young love and heart break but she knows, she's too young to be stuck on that. She thought it would be easy for they were never been together. It was just that look in their eyes... Or maybe, it was just her who's looking. She always treated it as unrequited young love. So, it must be easy to move on with her new college life. But, she was wrong... After three years, she saw him again on her vacation. Just like before, she could hear it... Her heart beats just the way it does years ago.
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I thought, I was just dreaming about you;
I thought, I am not searching for you;
But the truth is, it's you I really wanted.
All these years I haven't seen you;
My mind said, I got over you;
But my heart beats crazily like it's haunted.
Oh! How can I open my heart?
If it is you that's inside;
I tried to unlock my mind,
And throw you out but your still inside;
I may succeed, but I know I never will;
You're staying inside that's making me ill.
All I need is you to say goodbye;
But how can you do if you can't even say hi;
Thus, making everything a great blur.
You kept me hanging that made me sigh;
Am I waiting or I'd rather lie;
'Cause I'm tired of waiting for an answer.
I don't know if you feel the same way to me;
All I know is you're looking back at me;
As you look, I felt like our eyes are talking, but...
I must stop this and learn to let you go;
A dream of 'you and I' will never come true;
It's not a fairytale, it's all an illusion! #czary042610
---
Rhea finally learned to let go. She gave her self a chance to be happy with someone else. Just like everybody else, she wanted to feel that love and care. So, she gave someone a space on her heart. Unfortunately, that someone just wasted her time and the chance she gave. It was a wrong person. And took that as a lesson to be not in that same situation.
Since then, she become more independent and strong. Just by the time she's already fine by herself, Jaden appeared again in her life, unmarried. Many things happened. They both messed up in life and trying to recover. Being more mature than before, Rhea received Jaden as a friend.
They become friends. Not just friends but close friends. Rhea wanted to confess what she felt before to him. But suddenly, Jaden confessed first...
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"I have liked you. I have been liking you. And, I still like you. I'm sorry it took me this long to tell you this. But, I never had the courage to say these words. I tried my best to say it through my actions before, but you don't seem to notice them. You remained to seem uninterested and that made my hopes down.
You were too innocent then and I'm afraid to break you. As you know, I had a bad high school life I'm not proud of. When I met you, I tried my best to change. You motivate me to be a better me. But when I felt nothing from you, little by little, my bad habits went back and I just can't resist it. I don't have that reason to resist anymore. I don't have you.
Back then, I purposely stand outside the gate of your school every after school. I watch you go home safely before I would go. Whenever I passed by your house I put my head down as much as I can. So, you won't see me blushing as I know you're peeking. Whenever I saw you on you school yard having fun with your friends, I wish I am also there laughing with you. You're such an innocent girl back then. So innocent I'm afraid to break.
I never thought you like me too. I always thought you're just confused. With your friends teasing you, I know you hate the idea of me. I've always wanted to reach you with all my might. But decided not to because I know you're still too young. I also know that you don't the same.But now, I gathered all the courage I have. To finally confess to you this feelings I kept so long.
Rhea, would you be my girl?"
---
Rhea was stunned, speechless and just like before, she doesn't know how to react. She doesn't know what to say not just because she was surprised but also because she really doesn't know what to say. She doesn't know how does she feel. She's not sure anymore. She went home without answering Jaden's question. She went to her old box and pull her old diary. Almost all the pages are written about Jaden. Her every moments, encounters and little things about Jaden is there. She read them again after years. As she read it, she smiled as she remembers those moments she had back then. She tried to scan her heart but failed to find any answers. This time, it's her who's afraid. She's afraid to say yes and be trapped by realizing later that she doesn't feel the same way anymore. She's also afraid to say no and let go of the man she's been thinking to be with all those years. She could hear it again... Her heart beats... But this time, its thumping is heavy... She could feel it... It's depressing... She doesn't know what to do...