I think am in love. I don't know how the greats describe it, because it is indescribable. You feel a rush of joy climbing up and down your body. Running around your heart with a cheerful smile on its face. You feel the pure happiness that only little children feel. The happiness of getting a sugar cane candy, or a bar of chocolate, or holding another kid's hand and dancing around the camp fire after a bite of grilled marshmallow. Pure happiness of a infant laughing at his parents loony playful face gestures. Still indescribable. For the first time in my life I felt tranquil. I got home, sat down and felt a warm coat of every shadow of meaning for the word "calm" hug me with all its might, sending me to that deep dusty rusty, lightly dim corner of my brain, the one that I forgot to use for a while now. I call it the "uncontrolled smile" corner. The one that lights at the sight of the loved one, or the close one, or the dear friend who lives a far, or the...luscious chocolate bar.
I don't know where to start. With her tree-green sky-blue eyes? with her Lúthien-white heart? With her physics-loving Tesla brain? Or with her fresh-water-smooth lips? I don't know where to start. You know, it is so easy to love someone who falls easy for a touch, or a hug or a kiss, but you can't even start to fathom how much, sweet, hard work it takes to make the chaste fall in love with you. To let them give you that hand-hold or cheek touch. Panacea is one word for it. To have that is the true meaning of love. It's hard but don't let it wane your willpower. It is unbelievably worth it. To wait for that touch. I Can't wait for it, but have to wait for it. This one of the few times in life, where "waiting" is worth it, is kind, is happy. Pray for me dear reader. Pray for me.
I always have this stupid fear of the Idea that I might lose her to someone else. Anxious about someone snatching her away from me. I stop myself whenever I think of that, but sometimes your be-damned mind work against you, as if there is little creatures in your mind that got sick of being good all the time and choose from time to time to be bad...for sometime. Will she fall for someone else? Will she love me like I love do? We will in the same place but sometimes I feel I miss her. Every time we part each other after a night out, I feel an incredibly empty-happiness. I am happy for being in her presence, but always go straight back to my emptiness after we leave. That darn emptiness that wouldn't fill. That abyss that I fall into every time I think of love. How does it feel to be deprived of love you ask me? Imagine there is a hole in the middle of you body. you walk, you talk you breath, but the hole is there. you can't look down because looking at it makes it bigger and wider. It makes you think of that sweet sound of a bullet, and that...sweet press of the trigger. Love they say is an antidote...could it be the poison?
She loves me. She loves me not. She likes me? no she doesn't, am just her "let's talk to release the pressure of the week" buddy. Am I though? Maybe she loves me but waits for me to move? What If I moved in and got blocked? Would I lose her? I see her and I feel a curse and a cure. A curse of not having her and a cure of getting to talk to her, just so that I could stare in her ocean-deep green bright eyes. Just to see her long graceful eyelashes hug each other every time she blinks. Just to hear her wound-healing laugh. Your desperate one and only. Me.