"I just want you in my life no matter what you want to call this relationship", when he first expressed his feelings for her,
"Nenu Ninnu premistunnanu" , it touched her on a completely different level when he translated it word by word, and yes it means something way deeper than the over exploited: "I love you"
"He has sent me to look after his baby girl'', referring to her father whom she had lost 8 years back,
''I want you to meet my uncle'',
These were the words that had once made her the happiest person the in the world, the luckiest girl living but now these were the words that were haunting her day and night, her doctor had advised her to focus on life, friends and family and keep herself busy, but what no person on this earth could understand was that he was inside her head every single moment, bringing up happy times spent together, words said which had no value now, killing her every single moment. She wasn't this person a few months back before she met him, yes she was always scared of future but not in the ways she was now. How something shakes your world so bad that you come out as a different person, sometimes she wonders how it all got so messed up. Yes more than anyone else, she had herself to blame, he didn’t force her into anything, she always had a way out, but she didn’t know she was opening a fire inside and closing the way out simultaneously and this is exactly what happened; the fire engulfed everything she loved, about herself, about the people she had. The recent misunderstandings with her mom, the mother she loved with all her heart and her elder brother were all the proof to it.
How she din't want to see any of her friends, lost the last bit of self respect she had, going insane with each passing moment and it was all happening for one reason, he left without a word. How does it feel when someone who has been the nucleus of your world decides to go on his own without caring to explain why? You just forget everything and the only thing that you remember constantly are the "whys", but the ears deaf to the cries can't manage to listen to something as trivial as why. When you call up someone at 3 in the night, it means you sought help, maybe you held a blade to your wrist to end up the misery, but could not gather the guts to, and when the person on the other end doesn't even care for your life and death, that is when you realize you can die living as well. But remember it's just one side of the coin and don't come under the impression that it was all just pain, there were smiles too, that reached the ears. There was music in the air, ''pehla nasha pehla khuma '' , she remembers playing in the background while he held her in the kitchen, and she felt so complete. There is something intoxicating about your first love and yes it was her first, in every way possible. She had never experienced love before, not in this way and for the first time she didn’t mind telling herself deep in her heart, so that even he can't listen to it, that yes I am truly, deeply, madly and completely in love with you. She didn’t want him to know that he was becoming her weakness. He was all that she ever wished for, ever dreamt of. No he wasn't perfect, but she never asked for perfect, she didn’t even know it till that moment that all the beautiful dreams would shatter so bad and leave her broken for life. The hard days of constant crying, locking herself behind doors to hide the swollen eyes, picking herself up from the self loathing, making promises for respecting herself even when all that rings in her mind is the word bitch his best friend referred her to. Maybe she was, she once even believed herself to be, but if she was, why couldn't she act like one and move on happily. But then again she would fall down and each fall brought the pain back and made the journey of being back to the person she was even more difficult. I know nobody can go back to being the person they were, life itself means change and growth and you can't stop either without being dead, maybe that is why she wanted to die.
But it's not a story of her hopelessness or misery, its beyond that, it’s a story of her finding a way back to life, laughing her heart out with her mother, chasing her dreams of making a difference in the life of street children and fall in love again, but with life and herself.
It all started with her going to Europe for the scholarship that she had always wanted. No she had no hopes for studying abroad, born and brought up in a middle class family with a humble background, growing up with three elder siblings, she had never faced any difficulties but always aware of her limits, socially, financially and above all mentally; but this scholarship wasn't about the money or going abroad, but to prove to herself and everyone else that she was capable of everything. She wasn't happy with being considered ordinary, at least not with the people that she found special, including her father, who once had promised her that she can study as much as she wants, which were once said as motivating words for her little girl , stayed with her forever since then and became the guiding words after his demise.
To be continued.....