Some memories are like coffee stains
They last for a couple of days
Or at most, for a month
And I am a stain that he will always regret
Even when all of the ugly marks had faded
He is a white canvas
So pristine and sinfully pure
And I am everything he isn't
I am a palette full of colours
Varying shades of red, green, and blue
Mixed until everything's dark
Meeting him was like going to the mall,
And buying that pair of heels you've always had your eye on
Something that you've always wanted,
But also something that's not meant for you
Maybe it was a size too small
Or it was too flashy, too trendy, and so not you
Or maybe you just don't deserve beautiful things
But there's this stupid voice in your head that will urge you
It will make you believe that you had gone through so much already
That you deserve something pretty in your life
That it will work out in the end
And like a fool, you fell for these sweet lies
You let yourself become vulnerable
You let yourself think that getting hurt is normal
That when you feel pain, it means that you are in love
But that's not love, that is pure bullshit
Love is closing your eyes at night without worrying whether he feels the same way
Love is not thinking that he deserves someone better than you
Love is not forcing yourself to wear that pair of heels that doesn't fit
Love is not letting yourself be broken over and over again
Thinking that this is love, that you are hurting because of love
Love shouldn't be painful
Love should be beautiful
When I close my eyes and try to remember how I felt back then
I think of him wearing a white shirt
And I imagine that we are sitting together
A hot cup of coffee and a glass of water on our table
And suddenly this image in my head changes
We're no longer happy, no more smiles and laughter
No more clean white shirt but instead a shirt drenched in coffee
How can I let something so pure be soiled by my filth
How can I let something so clean be stained my sins
I am not meant for happiness
I am not meant to be loved or to love
He is a white canvas
Untouched by the foulness of reality
I am dark and ugly
Forever trapped by the depth of my sins
I cannot love
I cannot be loved