You know how they say the head and the heart go in separate directions, well then why the hell did every part of me run right into you? Both muscles were held by you and felt most at home when you held the rest of me too see home was what my heart called yours, what my mind called yours, and both have grown so homesick. And homesick feels like this chronic illness that only burns as strong as love but only when you love a home you´ve been evicted from. You once told me, the first and only time you drove me home, that the city is built like a grid but out here on the street, I have never had less direction, this grid will lead me nowhere. This grid is me, I am the one with all the turns and one-way streets and dead ends inside my mind, with every new turn I forget where I´ve been but the destination is still clear, I wanna go home. I can not go to a home I don't have, home only lives in memories now, you chose to only live in memories now. And as I walk by from time to time, when somehow I stumble across the address, I see a house built strong now, instead of the shambles I was forced from, and on the outside I smile, inside I feel pride that you can be happy now, you can accomplish what you´ve always dreamed and also I feel sadness because I don't bring you that happiness, looking back at what I will never walk in again I keep going. I remember the saying home is where the heart is and mine is still locked inside, it is still held in your house. So I walk down the street, cry and fall asleep on a bus that will lead me to nowhere, so I get lost in the grid, searching once again for my home, the address forgotten, but the memories are deafening and as I look at street signs I just can't turn down the music. But I know the locks have been changed and you hold all the keys anyway so as I walk down these one-way streets and dead ends, I realize that the biggest dead end is my journey. And somehow I accept that with ease, but what I can´t accept yet is that you cannot live inside a memory. Now as I have no direction inside a grid I can't read I start to wonder if this maze only has one way out, one dead end that doesn't need a sign, you just know to stop at the gate, you know you're not welcome there any longer. Home is just a house now. It looks like I need a different place to live, and as I search I tell every muscle and bone in my body that they are real and they can not live in my own memories, only my mind can. That is an ache that can only be soothed at home, that is just another ache I must learn to live with, that is the ache I will live inside of, while I wander this grid. Lost.
Story