SHE: This was a terrible idea.
HIM: What makes you say that?
SHE: Because…well…at the end of our last date, I didn’t feel anything for you. I wanted to. But that spark that I thought we had on our first date had almost faded into a tiny speck of light.
HIM: Hmm, and you didn’t think that we should make it worse by trying again, something that is more likely to extinguish that light completely.
SHE: Exactly! So by not doing this again, and letting some missed calls and late replies to texts make it harder to set something up - we would be saving ourselves the mild embarrassment of failing at this date. It would be like a “rejection-free” parting of ways.
HIM: But there is still rejection, isn’t there? Especially when there isn’t a proper, straight-forward resolution.
SHE: Yeah, I’m not really sure if there is a healthy way of rejecting or being rejected.
HIM: So tell me then, why say yes to this? If you thought it was a terrible idea...
SHE: Hmm, it was a rather unusual request. This experimental “honest date” concept of yours. So it was unexpected, and that was exciting. It brought some of the spark back I think. Have you done this before?
HIM: Well...
SHE: Nuh uh…you can’t lie or exaggerate the truth. Facts and honest thoughts only.
HIM: (haha) Yes, thank you for reminding me of the rules. Well, I have tried doing this once before, but she didn’t agree to it.
SHE: Hmm, that worries me a bit.
HIM: Which part? That I’ve asked someone else to do this? Or that she said no?
SHE: The latter. For now. Maybe the former (smiles), but not yet.
HIM: I’m actually quite okay with her saying ‘no thanks’. It didn’t mean that she didn’t want me. It just meant she didn’t want to take the risk of revealing the real person behind the social mask.
SHE: Sure (smirks)…better to assume that than her thinking you weren’t worth the effort?
HIM: Haha! It is always better to assume there’s nothing wrong with you. There’s already so many ways for society to kick you in the ego, why would I want to be my own critic? Not good for the self-confidence.
SHE: And confidence does matter, given the unexpected nature of this kind of date.
HIM: That, and an optimistic view of how the world. Believing that people can be good, and make logical, well-thought-out decisions.
SHE: Doesn't it hurt though? When your viewpoint is consistently disproven by people around you? Doesn't it make you want to give up on the whole idea of love?
HIM: No, I think it only makes finding the right person even more worth it. Because it wasn't easy. Makes me feel like I earned their trust, and perhaps someday, their love.
SHE: Your optimism, feels infectious.
HIM: So, do you want to talk about what went wrong?
SHE: Alright...(sits up and takes a sip of her drink)…here’s what I think. We barely knew each other before our first date. And somehow, even after four dates we managed to go further away from learning anything real about one another. It was like we started off quite strong in the first one, where there was a lot to talk about and impress each other with, but that excitement slumped down in the second one. And I think it freaked us out, because we didn’t know why there was an invisible wall of awkwardness all of a sudden.
HIM: Hmm…and it’s not like we could just talk it out. There’s no protocol for such things. We couldn’t just have a bad date, and then go home and call each other out on what went wrong. That kind of stuff is only discussed with the friend or roommate when we get home.
SHE: That’s true! And I thought it would only get worse if I mentioned the elephant in the room. It felt safer to not look for the boundaries of my comfort zone. Because even if I did put myself out there, and tell you exactly what I was thinking, the “real” world has taught us that it isn’t worth it.
HIM: And I thought that if I said something, I wouldn’t be able to articulate it properly, and end up doing a 10 minute monologue about how much I “like” you. (finishes his drink, then to the bartender) One more round for us!
SHE: Yeah, that definitely wouldn’t have worked. It would make me completely forget about my insecurities, and put all the focus on “this guy is weird."
HIM: Alright, I have a question.
SHE: Shoot.
HIM: Our first date, what’s the first thing you thought about when you got home?
SHE: Hmm, well my first thought was that you were a good kisser. I actually wanted to kiss you for longer, but I saw my neighbor peeking through his window and his creepiness just killed the mood.
HIM: That’s what it was? And I thought you didn’t like the kiss! I thought I hit some red flag in your mind. I’m never really sure about what I should...
SHE: (reaches over and gives him a quick peck on the lips) Calm down. It was a good kiss. (pauses) What?
HIM: That kiss. Nice move.
SHE: Haha thank you! I thought it would be fun to throw you an unexpected gesture for a change. See how you handle it.
HIM: It only makes you more irresistible.
SHE: You say it like it’s a bad thing?
HIM: No! It is quite attractive, trust me.
SHE: What about you? What was your first impression from our first date?
HIM: I…
SHE: What?
HIM: That was the best first date I’ve ever had. And that feeling made me really happy in the moment, and as I was walking you to your apartment I was already thinking about when I could see you next. But after the kiss thing I figured I shouldn’t get too excited...
SHE: …to adjust the expectations from what you want to happen and what will actually happen.
HIM: Yes.
SHE: I felt that too. Which is why I wanted to call you right after, to make sure we were okay and to tell you the kiss was good.
HIM: Then why didn’t you call?
SHE: It just…it sounds weird saying it now…but I didn’t want you to know how much I liked you.
HIM: Well, think of it this way - it’s good that you didn’t. We wouldn’t be having this conversation if we both said what we really wanted to say that night.
SHE: Can I ask you something?
HIM: Sure.
SHE: On our second date, when I brought up my ex, did it freak you out a bit?
HIM: I…Yes I think I was worried that the way you talked about him, that perhaps you were still holding on to something. And I didn’t want to be a distraction so you wouldn’t have to think about him. It’s not just about my pride - I wanted you to like me for me, and not because I was or wasn’t like someone else in your past. But when I really think about it, it was about my own issues too. I think my ridiculous subconscious brain wanted there to be a problem so I could justify that as the reason why we didn’t work out at some point in the future.
SHE: Yeah I immediately regretted mentioning him. And I was - and am - over him. But I also think that we can never really take our past out of the equation and the decision-making when we meet someone new. Our past may not be the best way to predict our behavior in future relationships, but it does help us learn about what makes us happy, and what doesn’t.
HIM: (pauses) It’s funny, the way things went with us. There is so much we didn’t know about each other, and still we individually decided to not pursue it further. I’m not talking just about us…but dating in general. People - and I’m no exception - really think a few conversations are enough to value another person and make a yes or no decision on whether we wish to see them again. It’s like we have this invisible stop watch that is counting down the time we’ve allotted to this person to give us a reason to get out while we still can.
SHE: I think the problem isn’t what we don’t know about the other person…it’s the few things we do find out that end up informing our instant-judgement personality sketch of that person. And I think in our case, the problem wasn’t that I didn’t like what I saw, I think I just didn’t get the right answers in the brief time we did spend together.
HIM: Or the right questions.
SHE: Well...cheers to asking the right questions.
HIM: Cheers! (to the bartender) One more round for us.
SHE: Alright, I have a question. Do you believe in the ‘forever’ kind of love?
HIM: Yes. I think love is a choice, and if we want, we can make the same choice every day and love that one person forever.
SHE: Hmm. What about soulmates?
HIM: Uhm, I think people who believe in finding soulmates hardly ever find them, and those who do, don’t care about the concept.
SHE: What do you think is more important: honesty, or trust?
HIM: Trust. If I can trust you, it’s okay if you keep something from me, or don’t tell me the truth. But what good is honesty, if we can’t trust each other, right?
SHE: (smiling) Right. And it’s so much easier, to just say what you feel when you know that the person listening won’t judge you or see you in a different light. Good answers. I’m impressed.
HIM: Thank you! Okay I have a question. What are you afraid of, in relationships?
SHE: In this possible relationship, you mean?
HIM: (slightly blushing) Yes, this possible relationship included.
SHE: I think…you know my fear begins with the plural nature of that concept: relationships. We’ve built up this whole theory - and spread it like wildfire - that we must try and try again with multiple partners and multiple relationships over years and decades sometimes, until we find the right one. I really don’t want to get into a relationship where that is the base assumption - that if it doesn’t work out, we cut our losses and walk the other way. I know, relationships do fail, but I would rather go into one seeing it as the last relationship I’ll ever have, rather than it being the “next” one. Does that make sense?
HIM: It does. And it does become tricky when you start thinking about what the other person might be thinking or what their intentions are, and then without really confronting them about it or having an honest conversation, you just keep pulling on that thread of thoughts, and end up having the whole conversation with yourself where you work in almost every pessimistic scenario. Eventually thinking you’ve figured out this person’s entire personality - most of which is your own imagination’s creation - and then make the conclusion that they either probably aren’t that serious about you or they just aren’t worth the effort.
SHE: Because maybe they are serious about you or at least want to be, they just don’t know how to say it, or when to say it…(pauses) I’m wondering though…do you think this is the right way? Having an unconventional date to reignite some spark? What if on the next one we go back to our usual ways? This honesty and trust thing only works until one person decides to go off the script. And then the other ends up looking like a desperate fool who took things too seriously.
HIM: I don’t know. I think we can hope that we keep figuring it out as we go. And that as long as we don’t let our brains divert in the pessimistic way of things - the “it won’t last long”, and “the spark isn’t enough” stuff - we just might be okay.
SHE: So are we still talking generally? Or are we talking about us now?
HIM: I think we are. And I also think we just decided on trying this again.
SHE: (blushing, with confidence) We did, didn’t we?
HIM: (pauses) I’m quite surprised with the turn of events today.
SHE: Yeah, we don’t speak for three months, and out of nowhere, you give me a call and ask me out on this ridiculous date, and here we are, talking about love and relationships.
HIM: I’m glad you said yes. I don’t think I would have tried again if you hadn’t.
SHE: I’m happy I did. When we said our byes at the last date, even though it was a complete disaster, I still didn’t want that to be the last time we met. I was just hoping that something would snap us out of it and remove all those unnecessary and unproductive layers of awkwardness.
HIM: Okay, I’ve got a ‘right’ question.
SHE: Yes?
HIM: How do you feel about us, right now?
SHE: (pauses, and smiles) Optimistic.