'Doubt that the stars are fire, Doubt that the sun doth move his aides, Doubt truth to be a liar, But never doubt I love’
(Hamlet – Act 2, Scene 2)
That's how I love him. William Shakespeare says it all. Love isn't easy. I need to move on. He left me without giving any reason. I'm clueless. I keep on asking myself, 'how could I unloved the person I love the most?'
Let me describe myself.
I have wavy hair. A girl with a common face having eyes which are quite simple—dull, not expressive. My nose isn't perfect. If you'll see me, you'll say that I'm a common girl you'd see on the sidewalk and that's true. For all you know, I hate attention so I keep on crossing the hidden side. I enjoy accompanying myself before I met him. I met the man who is close to my happily ever after.
I don't know whether he's handsome or not. I only knew his pseudonyms— his false names. When I say names, it's a plural form so don't you ever try to ask. Even I can't answer that.
He made me fall for his witty and sweet words. I'm head over heels in him. Unfortunately, he's good in hurting me along the process. Thus, he broke my heart. It's broken for the second time and it's much painful than before because he left without giving prior notice. I left hanging. He's a huge cliffhanger!
I decided to find him again. I know I'm stupid. No need to give arguments about that. I found him for the second time—due to my detective skills.
I change myself for him. I even hide my old perceptions for him but in the end, I fail again. I am such a failure! I wanted him to stay with me but just like what happened before, he left. I can't do anything about it.
'For I'm the most beautiful beast ever. I break my heart. I make it bleed to paint his skies every day.'
Every day, I keep on thinking these words. It's only me who loves him. It's a one-sided. He doesn't love me. I'm just his option when he's bored. I have never been his first choice. I'm just another girl— a commoner in his crowd. I'm nothing. In the first place, I should have let him go sooner than this. Knowing myself, I'm a masochist!
He just categorizes me as someone he can talk with when he's bored. I wish I can be at least his nearby friend but he didn't seek that as a choice. I'm just a stranger who bumps into his perfect mundane life. I'm a nuisance to him so I need to unlove him.
'To unloved the person you love the most, you need more than just sacrifice. It needs to suffice perseverance to cease the pain and endure the 'what ifs' you'll bear inside your heart.'
My heart is in pain; I'm very sure of that. He created cracks and holes in my system; no doubt he's an abstract artist. He made countless undefined figures inside me that even I, myself can't explain.
He changes me and I learned that these changes are hurtful. Now, I feel sorrow because of him. I can feel emotions because of him and ironically, I'm starting to be numb again. Guess what, it's because of him too. He left me with so much pain that I can't feel anything. He's good in hurting me.
'To unloved the person you love the most, you need sufficient time to heal the wound and erase sad memories which bear inside your heart.'
Yes, I need time. I learn that time can heal. It can ease the pain but leaves a mark. I can never erase all these existing marks like graphite in the paper. Just like his special space in my heart. I can never erase that. In time, I will be used to his absence.
'To unloved the person you love the most, you need more than just trying. You need consistency because falling in love is easier than undoing the love you gave. Creating memories are easier than erasing moments one by one.'
It's harder to let go once you fall for someone. Your mindset started to twist like a swirling chocolate ice cream. It's sweet in the beginning but once it melts, you'll feel the bitterness. Moving on isn't easy. It's like leaving a part of yourself away.
As a conclusion, to unloved the person you love the most, you need to create a better version of yourself. Maybe, your old self can't carry the pain but your better version can. Start something new. There are more things to come in your life. Life is short. Don't hold back. If he's for you, he'll come back no matter what happens. If he's not going back, just enjoy the life. There's someone new who will come and will make you feel extra special. Don't close your doors and keep your window open. That's the only way for you to see him.
It is possible to unlove your first when you find your greatest love.