"I want to remain as grounded in the process as possible. I want to latch myself onto this process and actually get better."
"Hey, don't rush it. Recovery takes time, you know? One day at a time."
It wasn't until I had a night of blocked nose and extremely sore throat that I realized perhaps I have always rushed recovery you know? I steamed twice a day, made myself the Turmeric-Ginger tea, gargled twice a day with warm water and salt; and took cough syrup too. I was doing everything I could. I texted all my friends who specialized in home remedies to ensure that I wasn’t doing it the wrong way. I was ensuring that I leave no stone unturned.
"Roy, you are overdoing it. Give your throat some rest."
I have always overdone it, you know? It doesn't matter how sick I am now, if I want to get better, I am going to put everything into it. But you see, mental health struggles don't work that mechanically, do they? I was rushing something that I hadn't even gotten to the bottom of. I thought that maybe if I put all my resources and motivation into this one thing, I'll be able to solve all my problems in one go. We think a crocin should fix the headache because we have always gone for quick relief. A tablet that could dispel all our sadness or brokenness or our anxieties will sell like crazy. This was just like tablet, except that this required great deal of efforts. This required getting out of bed, making tea, boiling water for steam, finding turmeric powder and whatnot, all when I did not even have the capacity to speak.
Finding a therapist involved looking at all the listings that I had collected over the months, finding the right match in terms of modalities, location and price.
I was so happy I was going to get better that I thought it will happen almost overnight. Just like this cough inside me, I thought it'll vanish overnight considering everything I did yesterday.
This morning I thought maybe seeking help requires all your courage but being patient with your recovery process requires greater courage. I was thinking of all this and the next moment I dropped my cup of tea, breaking it. Last time I checked, something like this triggered a massive anger response but I am starting to learn that accepting what you can't control is a battle half won. I thought to myself I could have been using the Game of Thrones cup I got for my 19th birthday. But i wasn't. It wasn’t that cup. It was a cup I was least emotionally attached to. Radical acceptance, my therapist said. I can think of 10 ways of how my life is going wrong or south on me but if I could accept that I cannot control it and think of that one good thing that keeps me a little sane, maybe I can get better.
But in the process, I also stumbled upon a truth that still makes me kind of sad. Maybe the reason I was rushing the recovery of my mental health wasn't my impatience, it was a fear that I might not wake up next day with the same drive to better myself. What if tomorrow I turn on my sadsong playlist and give everything up? I realized perhaps I was trying to attach myself to the recovery process so that it doesn't detach. I was holding onto it with all my power because I feared I will not have this power anymore. Well, in addition to the temptation of being better, I was just simply hell-bent on believing that I will reach there overnight.
But here's the thing: you can try as hard as you want, you will only get better when you are ready. Was I rushing something I feared will not happen?
Well, one day at a time:)