What else is more fucked up than to be tired of being yourself?
I am tired, honestly. So tired that it makes me want to just dissolve into thin air and become someone else not me.
I am tired of being the one who always listen but never the one who is heard. Don't get me wrong. I know there are people in my life who knows my roller-coaster-ride story and I'm very thankful of them for staying. Little did they know, I still have a lot of untitled sentiments in the holes of my heart. They are scattered piece by piece and when I try to pick them up for the garbage collector, my fingers would bleed so I ended up not throwing them away. They are all kept inside the deepest part of my soul, away from the eyes of blind people.
I am tired of pretending I'm okay and happy when all I do is pull back my tears from staining my cheeks in front of the crowd. I am tired of plastering this deceiving smile to fool everyone that nothing bugs me. I am tired of my fake and trying-hard laughs just to push away the ill thoughts in my messy mind. I am tired of saying nothing's wrong because I don't want them to worry about me, yet the truth is something's wrong. Something is not right and I don't know how to stop my world from crashing down.
I am tired of waiting for messages that will never come. I am tired of checking my phone from time to time to see if someone special in my life has sent even a simple Hi. It would make my day, you know. But all I receive are sweet and thoughtful messages from people who treats me special but never from the one who has a special place in my lonely heart.
I am tired of looking at people's eyes and fall for them when I see its beauty. I am tired of seeing eyes that shine and give a big thud in my vulnerable heart. Those eyes should be locked up somewhere out from my reach so I won't get hurt again. I am tired of these trembling hands, shaking knees, stuttering lips and pounding heart caused by those damn enticing, beautiful eyes and charming faces. I badly wanted to snatch those kind of eyes I always fall for because I know they won't look and stare at mine like how I do to theirs.
I am tired of taking risks for people who don't give a damn about the stupid things I did for them. I am tired of not giving a shit for myself because what matters are the persons who can't move mountains for me. All I do is try to make them happy and feel important but they can't do the same for me. I've been through Tartarus for countless times and begged for Hades' mercy so he won't imprison me for my foolish acts. Lately I realized, he let me get away because he knew I would bleed so hard after everything.
I am tired of always seeing the good in people who are important to me. I am tired of lying to myself that they are worth it. I am tired of creating wonderful and kind images of them in my head. I am tired of reminding myself that even if they hurt me so bad, they still matter. Love is truly blind, eh? Oh, I remember! "Love is not blind. It sees but it doesn't mind." Hah! Right! No matter how much pain these important persons caused me, I still find my happiness in them. No matter how dark it gets because of them, I still see the light within them. No matter how much they mistreat me, I still treat them right because once in those handful times, I felt important to them. They let me taste the heaven of their genuine, warm embrace that when they are out of sight, all I do is wish to be back in their arms.
I am tired of hoping that someone will come along the way and will wash away all of the pain I'm bearing.