Sorry for being strange these days. I have my reasons.
I just feel less and unworthy and undeserving.
I am slowly being filled with insecurities and my confidence hits rock bottom.
The walls that I have built to keep me secured and steady, to trap the faults that society might find in me, to fool myself that I am enough and fine, are falling to pieces one by one.
And I’m afraid it will take time for me to fix it again, to raise it high so no one can get to me.
I am a failure. A disappointment. A not-so-good-enough individual.
I was doing fine before. How society thinks of me never really bothered me at all. I never really truly cared. I was contented in my own little space. Away from judgmental eyes and lips. Away from mirrors which I might use to see my unattractive reflection.
Why am I suddenly like this? Why am I falling again to a deep dark pit I tried to avoid for so long?
I do not know my true self anymore. Who am I exactly?
Am I just an ambitious person who only wanted to be and stay on top? Like Icarus who dreamed of flying high with his wings made of wax but unfortunately fell and died due to his stupidity and ignorance? Or am I just a human calculator who only has value in its own eyes when I have high grades and good numbers glued in my body and attached to my name? Or am I just a nobody trying to be logical and matured as much as I can and keep my brain working instead of my heart? Or perhaps I am just a cold-hearted girl who surrounded her heart with a stronghold castle to protect it from having unnecessary emotions?
I wonder how many times do I have to question myself to find the answer I've been looking for ever since.
But one thing I am sure of:
I am not a simple person meant to be understood shallowly.
I am a poet enchantress full of metaphors and languages one wouldn't learn easily.
If one wants to learn all of my sides, he has to dig deeper.
I'm telling you, I am not as plain as you think.
So if you can't handle me, then stay miles away.
Because I have no time for such weakness.