holding my sanity

Maybe I'm just trying to hold my sanity by comforting myself that it is okay, that I am alright because I should be.

I did not pass the test that I've been dreaming to take and pass ever since I was in grade school.

I did not pass UPCAT. And as a consistent honor student-- it made me feel stupid and disappointed, but only for a few minutes.

I wanted to cry my heart out. I wanted to get lost in my own world for hours and then force myself to sleep to forget this melancholy. But I can't. I don't want to be looked at with pity. I need to show that I am strong and I am okay because I should be.

I badly want to hug my parents and tell them 'I am sorry' for being such a disappointment and a failure. But I'm afraid a slump might build up in my throat first pushing tears to escape my eyes before I could even tell them that.

I am sorry to everyone. 

I am sorry to myself.

I think I did not do my best. Because if I did, I would have succeeded. 

But still, to keep me sane, here's what I've been telling myself.

I only failed Math. Stupid Math. 

I only failed one subject, not entirely the test.

In the end, I refuse to admit that I am a failure. I am not. 

I just messed up and it's okay. It should be.