I SPENT MY FIRST CIGARETTE TALKING ABOUT YOU.

I never really smoked, but I spent my first cigarette talking about you.

The first inhale contains a lot of smoke, a lot of coughing and pain, much like the first time I had to spent time with you; and at the same time, the smoke feels like your existence in my life. It looks harmless, but apparently you’re slowly killing me. I spent the first half of the deadly stick talking about how you became a huge part of my life, and how I thought  I would have you around longer than anyone would thought. Just as the tobacco and nicotine seep through my system, the nostalgia of every memories I had with you plays back like that annoying elevator ringtone I always hear on my way to the office. The more I huff, the more I think about you. About how we spent days making plans and actually doing it, unlike the others. About every little secret we share to each other that no one really ever knows. About the nightmares and the dreams that are about to be broken. About the goals that we made together, and here I am thinking if you still remember them.

As I finish my first stick, I promised myself I’m going to let go of your promises too.

I lighted up my second stick like it was a fourth of July hand firework. I watched how the fire from the lighter burn the  tip, and I recall the moments I realized that we were falling apart. I heard you, talking to someone, that you’re getting burned out, of me. My heart couldn’t handle the pain that it took me one whole stick to feel numb. Then the memories came crashing back again, I never realized that I had too much. Not when I reached for the pack and there’s only one left.

As I start lighting up my last stick, I started letting go of you.

I tried to suck up the fact that we can never go back to what we’re used to be. You’ve moved on while I was there stuck trying to think about the thing that I might have done wrong to you. I sometimes blame myself because I feel like I abandoned you, but I realized some things. We abandoned each other. And for the first time in my life, I can say that I was fine by how things went for us.

Right then and there, I promised myself, I will never try smoking again.