I told myself countless times...
I told myself not to think of you.
But you never stopped crossing my mind. You often let me ponder. You let me feel IT'S REALLY YOU.
I told myself to stop feeling this way.
But I just have so much emotions in store. I just want to keep them all contained. But you cracked my jar, and it tipped it all over.
I told myself there will never be an us.
But it felt like I was just scolding myself. I don't know why I still see you in my dreams, in a white tux, waiting at the end of the aisle. And there I was, hoping to be the girl at the front of the church, wearing my flowy white gown.
I told myself to not include you in my plans.
But I still see a future~ no matter how blurry it was. I still look forward to have a happy life with you. While we travel in those undiscovered beaches and build sand castles til dusk. I still want to watch the sunset, while you hold me close to you. Just like what we've planned as friends.
I told myself to let you go.
But I realized it wasn't that easy. I can't look at other guys, without seeing you in them. I can't forget how gentle you are. And how you've been so patient to tolerate me. How you stayed when I was a hot emotional mess. How you traced those tears in my cheeks. How you kissed my forehead and have me cuddled against your chest. How you made yourself available, until you saw the girl you've now chosen.
I told myself not to imagine anymore.
But I still see you in the background. You, wearing those winter clothes you bragged that fits you well, while I enjoy the coldness of my first ever snow. You, wearing the mittens I've personally given as a gift. And you, having that cute blush painted on your cheeks, while you breathe out a bit of fog.
I told myself I am real hopeless.
I told myself it won't ever happen.
I told myself that you'll never fall in love with me.
But I can't stop hoping I'll see your cute, annoying face in our bed every time I wake up in the morning. I can't stop wishing I'll hear your little snores, while I cuddle with you. I can't stop wishing I can still gaze at you that long, while your heavy lids were closing.
I told myself I'm dreaming of impossibilities.
But I can't stop it all at once. I'm still hoping for the day you'll bring me that box of feelings I gave you, and feel exactly the same way. I'm still hoping my words will get to you. Not just to your mind, but way towards your heart and way deep to your soul.
I told myself to stop loving you,
But it felt like I'm just killing my ownself. I can't stop waiting for that day, you'll come in my front door. And say you want to try and give us a chance too. That you want to make our ALMOST as real as it could be.
I told myself these things wouldn't
happen anymore.
But my stubborn heart doesn't know when
to give up.It still hopes you'll realize we can be given a chance. And the right moment for us will eventually come. That the future is uncertain. And though you've picked a totally different path from me now, you'll find your way back later on, towards me.
I told myself we were never meant to be.
I told myself all these.
For countless times already...
And it felt like I am feeding myself with
lies. Each time I say I'll move on and won't be the girl who often cries.