There are times when I stare at your name on my phone and think about how many times you made me smile and laugh with the random memes you sent; about the days when you suddenly call just to ask how am I doing after a rainy day; about the nights when you were just one call away for a drink or two; about the dreams and daydreams I shared to you over a cup of coffee; about those times when you just listened while I ranted all of my frustrations. I think about you and all the little things you did just to make me feel valued and remembered, and damn, I wish I could give back what you really deserve.
I knew you like me even before you confessed that one tipsy night over the phone. I am not insensitive like how you thought I am. I felt it. I felt it through your consistent 'good morning's and 'good night's; through your efforts just to keep our conversations last longer; through your questions about my family, my childhood and my hometown; through the lines on your forehead when I didn't eat on time; through your shy smiles and stolen stares; through the posts you shared on your timeline; and through your friends who couldn't seem to keep a secret. I knew it and I'm sorry that I let you fall. At first I thought you were just too friendly and caring; that you were also like this with your other guy friends. I found out I wasn't like them when I woke up one morning and saw you sleeping on the sofa in my apartment. I was wearing a new shirt I didn't remember changing to. There's also a hot soup ready to eat and a pill for my hangover on the dining table.
What did I do to deserve you in my life? I was nothing but a bastard who took advantage of your feelings for me. I was a coward for not pushing you away; for not stopping you to give me something I couldn't reciprocate. I was too afraid of losing you, my friend. And now that you finally told me you love me, I realized I was too selfish.
I'm sorry because I let you love me. I'm sorry because I can't love you the same way you do to me. If only hearts could be reprogrammed, I would have loved you so much more than what you made me feel because I believe you deserve all the love in this world. All I can do is hope and pray that you'll find someone else better than me; that you'll find the right person to love. I know you'll say that I'm the only one but I'm sure God made another one who would give you the love I couldn't give to you.
Of all the persons who can understand your pain, know that I am one of them. If only I could love you they way I love her, we wouldn't have to hurt like this.