When nothing is left but hope, I wish I didn't have it.
When everything seems crumbling down, I wish I could just let the earth take me underground.
When the only thing I ever wanted seems impossible to happen, I wish I could just let it go and forget I even daydreamed of it.
I know the chances are odd but a hopeful person like me will tell my idiot other self that there is still 0.1% chance that:
One day he will send a Hi after weeks of contemplating the best possible subject for a good conversation that will later on lead to Wish-you-were-here's, or
One day we will share each other's busy day over chat emojis and stickers and late night phone calls, or
One day he will send a message out of the blue that everything's going to be okay because he knows I'm not, or
One day he will realize that he lost me, a weird overthinking bibliophile girl, and will find me again where the broken hearts go, or
One day I will see him waiting patiently in a coffee shop with two frappes and finally, the universe has conspired to make us happen, or
One day we will share two bottles of beer or even more and talk again about our being-alone-and-independent stories because I kind of forget some details during the last time (blame the alcohol, not my ears), or
One day I can spend the whole day just gazing at his eyes and battle about how beautiful they are even when he says they're not, or
One day we will laugh again about how our clothes are of the same size and shop together for shirts that hide our belly fats, or
One day I can just kiss him in random places and random times, be it in a busy grocery store or at 2am when he's snoring in bed, or
One day he will hand me again a cup of chocolate Energen while he's sipping a vanilla one and we will decide whether to stay in bed whole day or to go out for a stroll, or
One day I will see again how his sunset eyes light up and how he tries so hard to suppress that damn bonny smile every time I say "I have a crush on you", or
One day he will claim again a fault that should've been mine because I am too intoxicated to stop a glass from falling and spilling the content on my ugly dress, or
One day I will watch him read everything I wrote about and for him and while he's doing it, I will write next about my dreams coming to life right in front of me, or
One day I will feel again the warmth of his hands on my hair, on my cheeks, on my arms, on my waist, and on our entertwined fingers, or
One day we will get to know each other's fetishes and fantasies or even secrets we were never proud of and we will fall in love more despite our mistakes and differences, or
One day I will get the chance to tell him "I love you" whenever I want to or just stare at him with nature as his backdrop and I will think about how thankful I am for his existence, or
One day he will wrap his arms around my body from behind, plant feather kisses on my shoulder blades and whisper don't-leave-me-again I love you's, or
One day there will be no more unsaid goodbye's, faltering arms longing for an embrace and lips wanting to meet but are too shy, only overflowing hello's, tight and stiff hugs, and french and sloppy kisses.
The possibilities,
or should I say
the impossibilities,
are endless
for a foolish girl like me
and I'm telling you,
I fucking hate hope
as much as I loathe
the fact that it is the only
rope I am holding on to
in this edge-of-a-cliff kind of life.
When you hope,
you become as pathetic and pitiful as I am.
'Huwag tularan!'
Hoping doesn't always lead you
to a calm and positive mind
because right now
I'm in hell trying to stop
the pain of wanting all of my
hopes turn into reality.
I wish I don't hope at all.
-ascute montefalco