I Wonder.

I wonder tonight if you ever think about me, and if those thoughts taste like mental whiskey or physical battery acid. I wonder tonight if all our moments spin in your head like our favorite songs put on vinyl, made to outlive the both of us. I wonder tonight if the government you serve could also hand you a packaged heart like they hand you a packaged ready-to-eat meal, and would it be ready-to-transplant? I wonder tonight if any of these moments of you that I mentally live through are worth it, but I know somewhere that they are not, I also know that they won’t stop. No matter how far I have moved on. Or how much I don’t love you. All these moments of my timeline that I know also live in yours, I guess it would be our timeline, but us has gone extinct and it’s silly for me to think it could have ended any other way. But even things that are extinct can still in some way exist in the world, at least the mental one I am so damn good at living in. I guess you cannot call thought a form of existence until it is made into something physical out in the world and if so I guess that means you do not really exist, at least that’s what I can tell myself. At Least you don’t to me, you're just a distant memory and I wanna pick and chose the pieces I get to remember, but sadly it doesn’t work like that. Maybe if I could I would only pick the bad moments, so I could hate you, or forget I ever loved you. Or pretend I never knew you, since in the end it was like I never had. And I know that I never will again and that may be my biggest comfort. Until those times when in spite of all the things I have learned about you, I make another mistake, I start to wonder again.