I've been extremely hurt and been disappointed so many times that I've come to a point where I stopped praying for us. I've stopped praying for the possibility of our future. I've stopped praying for the next chapter of our untold, unconcluded story.
No, at that moment, I'm not tired. Not yet. Five years are not enough for me to get tired. I guess I've never been tired loving you in that five long years, but sadly, at some point, I was surprised to find myself at the edge of giving up. God knows how much I missed and loved you, and each day it breaks my heart knowing that the possibility of us getting back to where we used to be is vague, uncertain and impossible enough for me to stop, enough for me stop trying. God knows how much I loved you and how much my heart shatters everytime I'm reminded of you . And I loved you so much that it hurts. And it still hurts after all these years.
But I want the pain to stop somehow. I need it to finally fix myself and pick up the missing fragments you left. For some reason, I want to let you go, I want to give up. And giving up means letting go of the possibilities and probabilities of us, of what we could have been, of what we would have been.
But dear, trust me I've tried my very best to hold on. I've given my bestest effort more than I did in school and more than I performed at work. I've given the best of me and I knew I'm good at staying. But now let me cease that flicker of hope I've seen on us. I'm walking away and please don't hold my hand so I wouldn't falter. Please let me repair myself so I'll be whole again. Let me find my old self without you in the picture, simply without you.
Maybe, in time when we're both ready and healed, only then we could continue our story. Maybe then, only God knows. For now, I'm ending this. No backstories, no epilogues. But dear, given the chance to go back in time and change things, I would still choose to love you. I will. I'm sure. I know it wouldn't be easy, but given that last chance, I would pray harder for us.
-KB | March Journals