If not now, when?

Do you ever have that feeling when you badly want to stop something? Do you ever wonder how can you stop something from happening? That kind of feeling where you don't know how to start, but you want to do it anyway, but the problem is you can't... even if you want to.

I would often ask myself one question that still haunts me everytime I close my eyes. Everytime I would lay down the bed and think of my past, my present, and my future, I would always think, wonder, and ask myself, "If not now, when?"

If I cannot stop it now, when will it end? If I cannot end this now, how can it be stopped? These questions are haunting me together with my past. It affects my present so much that I can't even look at my future without thinking of it.

I admit. I am afraid. I am afraid of doing what is right. I am afraid of facing the reality. I am afraid of the consequences. I am afraid of the end. How can I face this if my fears are overpowering me? How can I stop this if I'm still holding on, if I'm still thinking about it, and if I'm still living with it? Tell me, how?

When will it end?
When will it finally end?
The clock is ticking.
Time won't stop for me.
I must go on.
I must start anew.
If not now, when?