HI! Readers. My name is soumya, the protagonist of the story. I know someone , who was very close to me. The story may interest you .whatever I will say is from my perspective. Though many of our friends who knew Rimi in our batch may like to debate on this, whatever I say. This story is about my first love, though later on I chose to abscond.
Rimi , a simple bengali small town girl with big dreams . She belonged to a big joint orthodox family rich in cultural values imbibing typical middle class ethics . Her perspective towards life was totally different than big towns GEN-X youngsters’ making her misfit in today’s so called ultra-modern generation. Slowly she experienced a series of changes that changed her whole lifestyle… making her foolhardy. To know the full story keep your eyes glued as you flip through the pages.
Initial days:
People say childhood learning is the basic foundation of somebody’s life. Just like morning shows the day, Whatever we learn during these initial day nurtures our character, course of action in our life.
As Rimi belonged to a culturally rich family she was a perfect Indian girl according to me. She had everything a guy would crave for. She strikes a perfect balance according to the way she looked, her dressing sense accompanied by a golden soul. What attracted me towards her was her simple look with a pretty face which seemed perfectly crafted by the Almighty and her deadly gracious smile just swept me off my feet. She hailed from Burdwan. After completing her boards she got a chance to study engineering in a premier institute of Kolkata. So she stepped into a new city which was totally unknown to her. I still remember those initial few days when I saw her in our college. Though it had been more than 4 years but I still feel the adrenalin rush.
We were from separate departments. I studied IT and she was from CSE department. It was most probably couple of weeks past when I first saw her returning from college. It was kind of a love at first sight. What made her different from other girls was her Indian flavour. All her friends tried to present themselves in an eye candy way wearing all types of clothes which will hook boys’ eyes mesmerise them. But she was different donning a simple salwar, flashing out a sweet smile always.
I was single back then and started enquiring about the girl and much to my delight I came to know she was single and new in the city. All I had to do was to wait for a perfect timing to hit up on her.finally the golden moment came. We had a fresher party, thrown by sophomores to welcome all 1st year students. I decided to try my luck,this time with my fingers crossed. I was introduced by a common friend, and I tried to charm her by my eloquent words(as I know I ‘m very good when it comes to usage of words). Gradually days passed and we became good friends as our friendship graduated through facebook, messaging and finally calls, utilising the benefits of 21st centuary to write my romantic saga.
Golden months:
I came to know her well as she started sharing lot of things. every thing seemed to be on track. We started spending time together at college. Then my only wait was for the perfect timing to ask the lady out on a date and pour my heart out. In the whole process the only hindrance was her best friend Arpita(a ravishing beauty of our college). She was an ultra modern girl. she stayed in every guys heart as PRINCESS APPY. Always surrounded by claque, and I’m sure everybody was trying to fulfil their burning desires . there was a rumour in the air she sleeps around with guys and the whole college use to run crazy at the name of appy . I highly detested her. I use to warn rimi sometimes but couldn’t say much as I dreaded if she misunderstands me and stops talking with me, besides they were sharing the same apartment too. They seemed like sisters from different mothers. I never imagined this bon homie will turn out to be an anathema for my love saga. Gradually I noticed minute changes in rimi. Rimi had a kind of inferior complexity which was accelerating day by day. I knew the reason. I tried comforting her by complementing her about her simplicity but those seemed to be unheard. She was kind of deceived and trying to manifest her like appy. I knew I had to do something to stop her, without any intimation what to do.
It was almost couple of months and this time I had to ask her for a date. One night I made up my mind today I will ask her surely. My heart was pounding, with trembling fingers I texted her “tomorrow is Sunday. Hopefully u r free. so can we meet up?”.within a minute my phone beeped with her message
“why?”
I replied “we are good friends and I have nothing to do tomorrow besides you are free I guess dats y I thought you may also like it.so ”
Reply came “ohooo!!! You want me to go on date?”
My heart beat accelerated. I typed “if you wanna come my pleasure.”
Reply “why will I come wid u?”
“bcz we are good friends”
“umm… sounds good. U really wanna date me?”
“I like you actually.”
“oh. I see. Me too. But only liking?”
I couldn’t figure out what to say. Reply seemed to be positive, so I decided to give it a shot and say it.
I wrote “yes … actually I am falling for u. no I mean to say I love u.”
30secs wait came a reply. “are you sure? I mean I donno wat to say”
“you love me rimi?”
“ I think so. But y r u asking me on a date? You wanna kiss me?”
I found the reply strange. But when you are talking to a girl late at night you don’t think rationally. I impulsively replied “if u allow me”.
“ok. Then you will ask me for a movie? I don’t knw what to do beside you r the first guy whom I gave the nod.”
“ok. Y not? Lets go for a movie. But shona I cant believe we are in a relationship.its my dream come true.”
“den im scared if you ask me to do more in a movie? What will I do?”
“I will do whatever you say….”
(continued…..)
1.30pm her reply :” yah tomorrow I wanna feel u…soumya. This is the first time im doing anything with a guy or discussing like this”
Gradually our conversation was turning wild.
(continued…)
2pm her reply.” Honey stop day dreaming im not rimi.dis s appy. Rimi is off to bed. We boosed together for first time. She tasted whisky so slept long time back”
It was kind of a nightmare soon I realised what a fool I have been and what kind of a bitch appy was.
I felt like slapping myself for the kind of ass I had been. I should have realised in the very first place rimi cant say like this. Now everything was out of control.i can see problems waiting tomorrow morning. Immediately I called her up. But phone was unanswered. I couldn’t sleep the whole night at the same time I was grief-stricken. How could that bitch take control over her? How can rimi touch alcohol? She was not like this before. I couldn’t sleep the whole night thinking about what explanation will I give to rimi. Time will give the best answer what will be the consequence tomorrow. The whole night seemed terribly long like a whole decade……..
The last blow:
I woke up at 10.30am the following Sunday and hurried towards my phone not realising when did I fall asleep. Much to my dismay I found no messages or calls from rimi. I decided to call her up. But it was unanswered. I tried calling her number of times in the day but all was in vain. Once again I couldn’t figure out what to do now? What should be my next move? Al l I could do was to wait for tomorrow to see her at college and I need to come up with a solid excuse to defend myself.
My eyes kept searching for her in the college campus. But there was no signs of her. I thought most probably she is running late besides I had no better work to do except to wait. ‘I can’t let that bitch win’ kept playing in my mind. Finally relief surged as I saw her entering the college with appy on her side. she somewhat seemed depressed that any layman can figure out from her expression. The charm in her eyes seemed to be missing and her face looked pale. Her hair seemed to be not done properly and their seemed to be a tranquillity in her face. People say face is the mirror of a person. I realised I was in deep trouble indeed and I need to try my charming words to control the damage.
I approached her immediately and what irked me the most was the bitch standing beside her with a wide diabolic smile on her face. She avoided my eye-contact and acted as if she didn’t know me. I held her hand to stop her walking away from me. She retorted immediately.
“Don’t try to touch me. I hate you and listen please never cross my way”.
I said,”please can we talk for a couple of minutes alone?”
“I don’t want to. All guys are same. Please get out of my way.”
It was a jab on my ribs. I pleaded “please let me justify myself and I promise I will go.”
Much to my relief she agreed. Appy was waiting for us. We exchanged cold looks. If I had the authority I would have smashed her face for doing this.
Rimi was not looking into my eyes. I tried to justify her that whatever happened tomorrow was my fault . but I’m a good guy I don’t want anything from you. I will not touch you. All I want is you. I tried to cajole her. But my efforts seemed futile. After giving an explanation for 15 minutes her reply was.
“this is all what you want to say. Fine. I’m not interested in you please never try to contact me. I treated you as a friend but now it seems it is not possible to continue our friendship. Its better to part our ways. Bye. “
I was dumbstruck. I wanted to say her damn so many things. I wanted to scold her for boozing last night. I wanted to show her my love for her. I wanted to hold her in my arms and convince her. I wanted to kiss her anger out. I wanted to…………………….
(oh god! I wanted so much)
But all I could do was to stand unnerved and watch her walk the way back.
This was the final blow she gave. Still I had hopes against hope, maybe she is misunderstanding me and will come back to me after her anger subsides. I checked my phone each and every second waiting to see her name to flash on the screen . But this time I was unlucky. The pain seemed to unbearable for the first few days. So, I decided not to say anything to her and absconded.
This is my first unsuccessful love story, or you may say the turning point of rimi’s story.
Changing days:
After losing Rimi I started concentrating more on my studies. It was an attack in a concealed position which hurts like anything. I maintained distance from rimi’s group and specially tried to avoid that appy. Somehow Appy was saved from my wrath because she was a girl. It was an undue advantage for her. Still I had a keen interest on rimi’s life. Somehow I managed to get the news about her. I really wanted to show her im not a philanderer and what she did with me was totally unjust.i deserved another chance. Slowly I found her getting close to a guy named Rishabh, a cool dude of our college. He was a handsome hunk with an expensive bike roaring the college campus. He was a kind of a spoilt brat. I very well knew appy will ruin rimi’s life. Appy was responsible for getting rishabh close to rimi. I wanted to warn her but I had no control over rimi. Besides, why will rimi listen to me? I’m no one. Most probably she thinks I’m the worst guy in her eyes. Whatever I will say will sound opposite to her so I decided to stay a silent observer.
Then came the most shattering news after few months, Rimi and Rish are committed. I felt very low those days but somehow managed to hold myself. I knew whatever happened was irrevocable. Much to my chagrin I couldn’t save Rimi . I was sure by then rish is going to change rimi and I am going to miss my Indian perfect bride surely.
Gradually another semester passed and we were in 2nd year. I could see rimi changing. She started wearing exposing clothes with lots of makeup. She used to be the department topper during 1st year. Now her marks fell drastically and appy deserved a round of applause for manifesting rimi like her.
Slowly I came to know a simple girl sayani,a first year student of our college. We liked each other a lot and gradually we fell for each other ……..and followed by commitment.
I lost track about rimi. Though I was concerned about her still I didn’t feel the urge to know about her like before. I seemed contented with my own life.
Dubious Times
One day after our college ended my girlfriend and I went to a park beside my college. The ambience in the park was perfect for romance. Generally the place was used by couples as it was more or less secluded after darkness sets. We went to the back side of a huge tree to enjoy my sweethearts company. But what we saw was unbelievable. I was taken aback to see risabh and appy up close and personal. Immediately I couldn’t resist myself, approached appy to ask for an explanation.
“What are you guys doing? Appy do you have any idea how rimi wil feel after she comes to know about this?”
“oho! My sweet boy why are you so worried you have a girlfriend now. Go and enjoy with her and better mind your own business.”
I protested “I am going to tell rimi about this. I cant see rimi getting hurt for some assholes like you people.”
Rishabh gave a ferocious look. There was a kind of brawl. But finally sayani intervened and stopped us. We all knew if college authority knows after college we came here with girls we all would be in big trouble so we decided to disperse from the place.
I went back home and was crying like shit. At that point of time I couldn’t think of anybody except rimi. I knew I had a girlfriend but rimi somehow seemed to be more important. I didn’t want to jeopardise my relation with sayani. I knew she is a very good girl but I couldn’t control my urge to call rimi. So I picked up my phone and dialled rimi’s number. The phone was connected. I could hear her caller tune “somebody’s me”…….
Chapter Seven
A sweet voice from the other side picked up the call.
“hello. Who’s this?”
“I’m soumya. Please don’t hangup. I have something important to say.”
She curtly replied.” Now what do you want to say?”
“please rimi this is important. I need to tell something this will create a huge difference in your life.”
“what? I didn’t get you.”
I pleaded. “can you please meet up tomorrow? I can’t say this over phone.i promise I have no other intentions I only want to save you from a conspiracy.”
Her voice seemed tensed. She trembled while speaking. “ok. Fine. But where?”
“anywhere convenient for you will do.”
“ok. Tomorrow 11am. CCD. Lakeroad.fine?”
My heart started pounding I gave a nod.
I don’t know what was happening to me. I started feeling I want rimi. I was in a very happy relation with sayani, then why the hell did I want to meet rimi or why I’m feeling I care for rimi the same way I use to do before? Lots of questions popping up my head. I didn’t want to think much. At that time priority seemed to be saving Rimi and I didn’t mind apprising her about her best friend’s malicious activities.
Next morning I dressed up at my best. I didn’t know why I felt like I want to date her today, maybe because I know she will be heartbroken today and I will optimise the situation to get her back. I know I was being mean. Sometimes your heart guides the way and all the rational thoughts are kept aside.
I was sharp on time. She was sitting there wearing a beautiful top and a Capri. I was standing mesmerised looking at her beautiful face. She was impeccably beautiful. Her white face ,sharp nose and rosy pink luscious lips seemed fascinating. In her eyes were a bit of worry quite evident but still something was special in her mystique face which attracted me towards her. The colour of her top perfectly suited her flaunting a bit of her cleavage and her waxed legs seemed perfect. She looked voluptuous, in her attire. Any guy will crave for a beau ideal like her.
I looked like an idiot staring at her hypnotised. She called my name. I was then back to my original senses.
SOUMYA! What are you staring at?
I replied like a fool not prepared what to say. ”oh sorry actually noting.”
“Tell me what do u want to say tersely.”
I felt like something inside me is missing. I didn’t want to tell her about appy and hurt her but somehow I had to say. I ordered 2 coffees. She said,
“please can you come to point. Tell me what do you know? Conspiracy? What?”
I gasped for a breath. I recollected myself and increased the gravitas. I started speaking
“It’s about your best buddy appy. She is a traitor.”
She ranted “what? Apy?”
I told her briefly how bitch appy was and using rishabh for her physical needs. She listened to me silently. I also added taking the advantage of the situation “ I tried telling this to you much before. Whatever misunderstanding happened between us appy was responsible.
Her expression remained indifferent throughout the speech. her sheen seemed to disappear.
She somehow seemed worried and told me
“please excuse me I need to leave” and teetered away.
I felt she was hurt.i could feel the pain developing inside me.i don’t know why but I felt actually I love rimi. I was compromising with sayani. Rimi is my true love. I was sure about my feelings by then.
Later at night I called up rimi. She picked up the call much to my delight.
“hello. Are you fine rimi?”
“yup. I’m feeling low. I feel like betrayed. Still appy is my best friend so decided to forgive her. she was really sorry about this. But you know soumya I have no friend left whom I can resort on.”, she continued.
I started consoling her. I felt as if I had a chance to revive our lost relation.
Our conversations continued over phone everyday. Gradually everything seemed to become normal between us. I started neglecting sayani. Sayani used to stay upset most of the times. But it made no difference to me. All I cared now was about my career and rimi only. I started sensing I’m going to get rimi but all I need to wait for the correct time.
I decided to to call it off with sayani. I knew I was becoming a swine. I cant leave a girl like this. But it was a compulsion. I wanted to be with rimi at any cost. I didn’t give a fuck about what the rest of the world thinks. I cared for rimi only rimi.this is the change that love can bring in you. The rest of the world is on one side and I’m on the other ready to take on everybody to get my love.
A month passed we started talking frequently with rimi. Our friendship seemed strong. I had layed the basic foundation of our relation. Rimi also started to avoid appy a bit. But appy, the ubiquitous element kept prodding sometimes. But it didn’t make any difference because I knew I will win this time, the lady luck is with me.
I had an ambiguity inside me “do I love rimi? Or a perfect Indian girl?”. I know though I was attracted primarily towards rimi because she was close to a perfect Indian bride who will never leave me alone stay loyal. Though lately she had changed a lot. But the only answer to my questions was its too late to think so much, I’m truly, madly, deeply in love. So I don’t care about Indian and western anymore. All I need is her and only her.
One day we were talking over phone. I asked.
“ rimi why did you change yourself? I loved the simplicity you had the desi flavour in you.”
She said,” I don’t know . actually I thought boys will prefer me if I keep myself abreast with the bon ton.”
I said “ I prefer Indian”
She said in a playful voice “ ok from now on I will wear as you say sir”.
I realised something at that time. Though success came late but eventually it came. I was overwhelmed at the feeling of déjà vu. The test results seemed to be positive and this is the time to confess about my feelings. But here was something strange she never asked me anything about sayani. First I needed to clarify my relationship status before proposing her.
I told her “ can we meet tomorrow?”
She replied “where?”
“central park. Tomorrow 4pm.”
“why central park. Hope your intentions are right?”
I felt nervous. But she busted laughing immediately and relief surged.
“ok. Then tomorrow be prepared for something special. Be at your best. Goodnight.” I hung up.
Now … tick tick tick tick……
A long wait for the next day… butterflies were running in my stomach…….. the result day is nearby and I was sure this time no one can undermine my dreams.
LIVING MY DREAMS:
I returned home from our date. Sweet memories were playing on my mind. I was in a spell. All I could think about was sayani. I decided to call her and our conversations seemed never ending that day. It felt I won the world’s best gift. She was a very precious possession of mine.
Gradually as days passed our love story started progressing. I remained hooked up over phone all day when I was in my flat. Eating and talking to her were the pRimiry objectives in my life back then, though it may sound ridiculous now. But, the blatant truth is I was mad about her and I was overwhelmed by the fact, that finally I managed to get her. I was becoming hysteric.
College days were more colourful though. Attendance at classes drastically fell, and we were busy seeing each other at every possible corners including library and canteen. I wanted every corner of our college to be the evidence of our love saga, so later on I could relish this moments during college reunions or boost about it in front our kids.
Now when I remember those days, I remember some scrambled episodes which were special in our story. One was our first movie. It was after a week we decided to go for a movie to see a hindi thriller. I remember watching a good movie was not my motive but instead I did a research on internet to know which is the longest duration movie playing. At first to rimi my movie selection seemed weird but I couldn’t tell her back then out of embarrassment that i had no interest in the movie actually. So I justified myself saying,
“I love eclectic watching”, which is a nonsense.
I remember each and every detail of what happened inside the theatres. I wanted to kiss her so strategically purchased corner tickets. After that the wait was for the lights to go off and then my game starts. Lights went off and advertisements were playing. Most of the seats were vacant as no one was willing to spend so much for a B grade movie, except some insane like us. I slowly put my arm round her shoulder. She moved towards me and rested her back on my arms. I was staring at her face. In the dark auditorium her face seemed impeccable, glowing in the light reflected from the screen. I asked her,” Can I kiss you?”
She replied ,” no please not now.”
I felt she was also dying to kiss me like me which was evident from her eyes.
I pulled my face close to her and whispered “please”.
She smiled me back and moved away her eyes shyly. I closed my eyes and pressed my lips on her and moved it. Within a second she started responding and started kissing me back. Gradually it intensified and we were kissing each other violently which lasted for a few minutes until there was an intrusion from a popcorn boy. Those few minutes I will cherish throughout my life as that was the first time I kissed her. Slowly it went kissing and beyond. Finally we went out of the multiplex without a single clue what the story of the movie was. We were so engrossed with ourselves that we never had the time to wait and figure out the story, after all we were paying for the movie.
After that, watching movie seemed to be a regular routine. I remember number of movies releasing in a week seemed less for us. Our friends used to mock saying “ go and make a monthly scheme at a nearby multiplex, you people will save a lot!”
As we both stayed as paying guests we enjoyed a lot of freedom. Sometimes staying away from home feels good. At least for me it was a bliss that my mom was not there to yell at me if I didn’t return home at night or if I remain busy on internet or phone round the clock or if we boozed sometimes at our apartment.
Our relationship lasted for about 6months, and in these 6 months I literally subsisted on talking with her. My lifestyle was irregular when normal people studied we talked over phone, when it was dinner or breakfast time we were talking, when people were attending important lectures we were romancing in some weird location of our college. So tersely speaking my day started with her phone call then college romance or movie and then the routine was talking over phone after returning home which continued until we both felt we should refuel ourselves by having dinner. Don’t be amazed thinking what was the topic of our long conversations. Actually when you are in love you don’t need topic to chat. The domain is very vast ranging from what is your toothbrush colour, which shaving cream you use or what was the menu or how was the chicken today or what is the colour of your undergarment …… the list is on and thanks to our telecom company’s unlimited call tariff. Our phone sometimes used to give up, beeping “low battery” but we were never tired.
Day by day our bond was getting stronger and we were becoming bold. We started visiting night clubs sometimes with friends swaying our hips to the beats after 7 or 8 pegs of whisky. Life was on a rolacosta, fast and filled with lots of thrill. Gradually we were getting physically involved enjoying a game with our bodies. This part I would like to expurgate.
I still remember the day when after partying hard rimi and me were out of our senses. Actually it was the alcohol which drove both of us crazy as a result we made out at a friend’s apartment. The next morning rimi was ferocious at me and was blaming me for all this.
“Sometimes this sex strengthens the bond between two people. Atleast I felt so.” So I justified our act saying this.
“and rimi, we love each other. Its normal to have physical relation between us. Though I believe it should not happened like this but still once it happened no point of thinking over it much. I love you. I will be with you always so no need to worry”, I said solemnly.
Rimi seemed to be assured by my explanation. That night opened a new horizon in our relation. We frequently started to enjoy sex. Meanwhile our 6th semester was knocking at the door. We promised we will study together and accomplish our joint mission. Mission- “To pass the sem”. So, we decided to keep temporarily all this movie, sex and chatting over phone on hold. We decided not to recharge our cell phones. So we are bound to study then and help ourselves pass the semester. I consoled myself saying once this exam season will be over we can again enjoy.
It was 15 days before semester we decided to meet for the last time before semester with our common friends at a local pub. As per plan we boozed a lot forgetting everything. I hardly remember what happened that night there. Never knowing this was the night, which will put my world upside down.
Next morning 11.32am:
I woke up in the morning and found rimi’s phone in my pocket. Out of curiosity I wanted to be a sleuth, so I decided to check her inbox. I touched the message icon.
Opening inbox…..
Thrashed:
I found there were messages from different guys including rishabh. I was taken aback. Rishabh texts her? I opened the conversation. The last message from rishabh read
“darling, I miss you. Want to hug you now. come to my place Friday night. It’s empty”.
I immediately checked the time. It showed 9pm yesterday. The ephemeral images flashed into my mind. Yes she checked a message when we were just about to enter the pub, it was 9pm. I felt like a shit. Still my arms were trembling , my mind stopped working , I was smashed hard in a concealed position. I was left enervated with a big pit in my heart. I took some time to recollect my senses.
What does this mean? That means rimi is trying the same thing with rishabh? Is she a coquette? All the answers lay in the conversation.
I started reading the whole conversion and as expected I was going through rimi and rishabh’s intimate messages. I could feel my heart simmering.
I read the conversations of remaining 2 guys though I couldn’t get much idea from them. They seemed to be just buddies. One thing I felt difficult to digest rimi was two timing. She can’t be like this. She is a girl imbibed with cultural values and a golden heart. It may seem she changed a lot after joining college because of Appy but is so much change possible? I couldn’t recognise my own girlfriend whom I knew since 1st year.
I was sobbing, tears were flowing out from my eyes.
Whatever culture she received from her family, the kind of background she had, I couldn’t compare with today’s rimi. I was left in an enigma that means whatever values we receive in our childhood days are those useless? Can someone really change like this? How can rimi sleep with multiple guys?
She doesn’t feel guilty while doing so?
What kind of cheap mentality she developed?
These questions were troubling my mind.
Immediately my phone started ringing aloud. I was back to reality then. An unknown number flashed on the screen.
I felt disgusted and picked up the call.
“Hey this is rimi. I forgot my phone. It was in your pocket last night right?”
This was the last thing I wanted. It was very annoying to hear her voice right at that moment. I felt like slapping her hard. I wanted to be alone!
I controlled my feelings and solemnly said,”hmm. Yes your phone is with me now.”
The voice from the other side seemed relieved “Thank god I didn’t lose it this time.”
I decided to grill her over phone but somehow controlled myself.
I said,” do something come to my place now and take It back.”
She agreed.
Now I was waiting for her at my home, busy setting up my mind what exactly to say her. There was turbulence of hatred. I knew it would be very difficult for me to endure her when I will see her face.
I squatted at a corner of the room. I realised everything was over. My dream girl turned up to a bitch and played well with my emotions . I could do nothing this time. The problem is I couldn’t even hate her because I love her a lot. I was lost in my thoughts without keeping the track of the time.
All of a sudden the door bell rang ringing me back to my senses.
I opened the door and found rimi standing with a sweet smile wearing a black salwar perfectly soothing her fair complexion. I was looking at her beautiful face and was thinking how can she be deceitful?
“come in.”
She said “why are you looking like this? You didn’t sleep last night” “ or I was troubling you in your dreams that’s why you stayed awake.”, she added playfully.
I had no answers. I had no energy to fight with her. Tears rolled down my eyes.
She asked in a pampering tone “What happened to my baby? “ and hugged me.
I immediately stepped back. I didn’t want to touch her.
“ what happened soumya? Is everything all right?”
I replied “ I thought so before but now it doesn’t seem”
“ what are you talking about?”
I couldn’t control my tears. I handed her phone and said “ I didn’t know a lot of things but now your messages made me aware.”
She curtly said “oh. Now I get it. You went through the messages. How dare you touch my phone?”
I stayed silent. I said to myself “oh. I can touch you, make love to you and when it comes to your phone I don’t have any right.”
She shot back. “answer me why did you went through my messages without my permission?”
I said “ sorry for touching your phone. Sorry for trusting you. Sorry for loving you. Sorry for caring about you. Sorry for everything.”
She said,” what? Don’t make me laugh. Since you know everything, it’s better to clear up everything between us.”
I asked her. “so you love rishabh?”
“come on I don’t love anyone. What’s the point of loving someone now? I’m not going to get married now.”
“that means you have no feelings for anyone? Then why did you sleep with me?”
“WTF! How rude? Don’t say that to me, as if soumya you were very serious with me?”
“yes, I swear on my mom. I loved you. Still do. My feelings were true and whatever I promised you was bonafide.”
“ ok. Soumya then tell me. Why did you leave sayani? You people were in a relation for a year. You must have promised her a lot of things. So tell me the logic of leaving her and don’t give me the bullshit story once again. I know you flirted with her.”
I started explaining. “ see I made up a story last time so that you don’t misunderstand me.
The truth is I left you for her. Rimi you are my first love. I always wanted you as my partner. I couldn’t get you that’s why I decide to be in a relation to forget you and get out of my mundane lifestyle. I did the the whole damn thing to forget you. Believe me this time I swear on my mom. But when I found you were single after that and I had a chance to win your heart I didn’t think much. I decided whatever happens let it happen but I want you. So I left sayani. I know I did wrong to her. But sometimes in life you have no option but to choose the wrong way to do something right for yourself.
I only did this so that I will be happy. But I never imagined the consequence will turn out to be like this and I dreaded to mention this truth to you in the fear of losing you.”
She listened to me and said, “ oh. I see. Now I thought you were flirting with me. I thought you are a womanizer and you just wanted to exploit the opportunity of the breakup thing with rishabh. So I decided to sleep with you and what’s the harm in this I find you cute.”
I had nothing to say. I stood dumbstruck.
She added,” sorry for hurting your feelings. I can’t love you. I don’t have time to waste on love. I think we should not talk with each other and keep any kind of contact from now on. I’m sure it was just an infatuation. Your wounds are going to be healed soon.”
I asked, “ how many guys did you use like this?”
“ that’s not your concern. I’m not a kind of girl who would always want to keep herself tied in a relation. I want freedom. I want to enjoy my life my way. If I realised you was serious with me I would have straight away rejected you in the very first day.”
I was left unnerved. I wanted a lot of answers but didn’t question anything further.
She ranted,” I think I should leave now. Delete my number, hate me do anything you want just don’t come in front of me. It would be very kind of you if you don’t spoil my reputation at college.”
“that much I can expect from my true lover”, she added sarcastically.
She left my apartment slamming the door at her back.
I looked blankly at the door with tears rolling down……………………….
My life my way:
The following day I found myself blocked on facebook. I decided to delete her number and save myself from the pain.
So after my heartbreak everything in the world seemed least interesting. It felt the essence of life was missing. Somehow inside I lost the enthusiasm and conceded. My life seemed to be empty without her. With my every breath I was missing her badly. I couldn’t concentrate on my studies as a result my semester GPA suffered. I had my world with lots of loneliness engulfing me without any clear agenda. Somewhere inside I forgave rimi and still wanted her to return back in my life. It seemed to be a venial sin whatever rimi did.
Meanwhile I was in my final year of engineering, in the penultimate semester. I need to rebound. I felt, if I wasted time like this I would turn out to be the biggest looser after completing the course with horrible pre-final and final year GPA and without a job.
I consoled myself saying ,”whatever happens is for good”, the famous dialogue that loosers love to say. Somehow there was guilt also. I felt, I was reimbursed by god. I did bad with sayani so I deserved this kind of thing. I realised I should say sorry to sayani but it was too late. Sayani would think I’m trying to get back to her after my breakup. So I decided not to do anything and concentrate on my career. At that time priority seemed to be getting a decent placement.
The placement season started in our college and companies started visiting the campus. I got rejected in the first 2 companies. It was an awful hit to my self-confidence. Many of my friends got placed in the drives. What felt bad more is sayani was placed. I had no one to blame but myself.
If I studied a bit more.
If my marks were good in the last semester.
If I never left sayani.
If I never met rimi.
If I never wasted time on girls.
If I was not frivolous.
If i……………
Lots of IF’s were troubling my mind. I needed a job very badly. My mental state was deteriorating.
I was becoming agnostic. I shelved myself from everything.
I had to stoop down to build my own career out of the ruins. I studied day and night. I focused on clearing the basics. I was mentally prepared and was waiting for a good company to visit on campus. I had to do it, beside I also wanted to show sayani and rimi ,“ yes I can get a job that too better than you people.”
Much to my delight I found a notice stuck on the notice board :
Company name: ***
Company profile: an American MNC……
ELIGIBLE: all CSE, IT, ECE students with 60% all throughout.
Interview DATE: 15 February.
I had to do it. This time I couldn’t afford to be a failure. i started preparing in every aspect possible all set to take on.
The date of the campus placement arrived. I dressed in my formals reached the college before time. I was waiting in a queue to be called for the first round. The selection procedure was rigorous. 3 rounds will be completed on the same day.
People were called inside according t their allotted numbers. I couldn’t find rimi though Arpita was there waiting to enter the room. I felt strange. How come she is not sitting for this company? This is the dream company of everyone. Anyways, I didn’t want that bitch to trouble my mind. I needed a job badly so I chose to focus on my own career. I knew if I bagged this job It would give my career a head start.
The whole procedure was tiresome. I cleared the aptitude and then GD and finally the last round PI went swiftly.
After getting out of the interview room I refreshed myself and found arpita waiting outside the college. I couldn’t control the urge of asking her about rimi’s absence. I was kind of satisfied with my today’s interview so in a malicious tone I continued,
“ hey! How was your interview today?”
She looked at me and curtly replied,” not good.”
I felt a satisfaction inside.
“ what about rimi, why didn’t she come? Or she doesn’t need a job?”, I said maliciously.
Arpita scoffed.” I don’t know about this go and ask her and help yourself.”
I choose not to argue and spoil my mood, besides I was very tired.
I returned home and immediately fell asleep.
The next day I connected the net to check my mail. They informed the selected candidates will receive mail the following day at 6pm.
My fingers were crossed. I hoped to see a mail from the placement cell.
I signed into my account. It had 2 new mails. One from placement cell and another from some unknown ID. My heart immediately leaped. I felt like choking in excitement. I opened the former mail. It read like this:
PLACEMENT CELL OF our college congratulates you for getting selected in *** through our on campus placement drive.etc etc.
I was jumping on my bed. Finally my dream came true. I immediately called my parents to give the news. I was so busy celebrating and boosting my success that I forgot about reading the other mail. I felt like calling rimi and tell her what I have achieved. I didn’t have her number then all of a sudden I realised there was a mail from an unknown address.
I signed into my gmail account. I read the address carefully.
It read rimz26@gmail.com.
I clicked on the mail.
Opening……………………………………….
The Mail:
The mail had a attached file with an epigraph which read “This is rimi I want to share something important with you. Please read the document I’m sending. This is my earnest request to you,if possibe go through it once”.
I was bewildered and downloaded the attachment all set to open it.
Dear soumya,
I want to tell you something that I could never tell you face to face. Actually, you know I can never face you. Why only you ? I can’t face my parents, not the world, not even myself. Let me start from my past that you know more or less I guess.
I belong to a very cultural, orthodox bengali middle class family at burdwan.i never enjoyed the freedom then because all the time I was kept under strict invigillance. I dreared to even talk with boys. I could never imagine hanging out with friends or partying late at night or simply enjoying a movie with friends. But, after getting a chance to join engineering at kolkata I got the opportunity to stay away from my home in a mess. I was always crowded with people because I belonged to a joint family. After coming to Kolkata I started enjoying my freedom but most of the time I missed my family members my mom, dad, aunt, my brothers badly in the beginning. The days seemed to be miserable. Due to my introvert nature I didn’t have many friends. The only one I was close to was my roommate Arpita. I started finding myself so different, totally misfit in your modern city. At first I often cried craved to go back home. But I had to pursue my engineering so had no options but to adapt myself to all kind of adversaries. I hated boys who tried to hit up on girls at every single chance. I use to hate those girls who flaunted their skin so that guys ogle at them. I found arpita somewhat not my type. She was multi dating simultaneously, busy round the clock to flirt with guys and pamper herself.
Gradually days were passing by and my loneliness started surging. I met you at that time and the truth is I liked the way you approached me. Basically I found you cute enough to hang out with. But I dreaded the day you will propose me I will turn it down as I had no idea of handling relationships, besides I didn’t want to spoil my career by wasting time. I always use to hear stories from arpita and her wild experiences with guys. Somehow deep inside I felt the twitch but never expressed it. Then arpita and me shifted to a new rented apartment because of the inferior mess quality.
Arpita often use to call up her friend’s and booze together. She seemed to enjoy her college life to the fullest. She also enjoyed at discos all night and her one night stands. My life felt empty with only you as my very good friend. I also felt something was happening between us but I was not clear about your intentions. Arpita often warned me beware of any random guys. They may be deceiving. They may sound sweet and use you and ditch you in course of time, be very careful . you are a baby rimi not mature enough to handle the pain. I hated this baby word. I felt arpita was my well wisher. I wanted to get rid of the “baby” title. Gradually I started following arpita. I don’t know what happened to me. I felt like changing myself and keep me abreast with today’s bon ton. I started preferring short skirts more than traditional clothing. The first time in my life the books seemed to be less interesting and becoming like arpita seemed to be my main agenda. Call it my inferiority complex or my zeal I was changing myself. I wanted to follow arpita’s saying “ College life is very short once it is gone you will never get it back. So, enjoy it to the fullest ,try everything, experience everything. Don’t keep regret later on. “ I slowly started enjoying cigarette puffs. The day I first tasted alcohol I still remember tastes like “yuck”!. And you proposed me that day only. I overslept that night only to discover the next day your bombasting messages. It felt you were not interested in me but my physic. Arpita warned me that day. So I decided to cut contact between us. It felt very bad initially as we were very close friends. But as time passed it felt all was fine. Gradually the burning desire to get into a relation increased. Then I met with rishabh. I was attracted towards him. I found him very good looking. Gradually we became close and rishabh proposed me. I gave him a nod thinking he was my prince charming. Everything was perfect. Gradually rishabh started coming to our flat. Rishabh and arpita were good friends also .As days were passing by we came really close to each other. I experienced my first kiss with him and things gradually went beyond. One day rishabh visited my flat and Arpita left for her friend’s place. We were all alone. I don’t know what went wrong and we made love to each other. I lost my virginity and was scared like hell. Arpita consoled me saying it was perfectly fine in a relation. I started believing her whatever she says. One day I came to know rishabh was double dating me. I was shattered. Arpita gave me mental support saying “ don’t worry why should boy’s have all the fun? You have your body and you have the freedom to enjoy with guys also.” I was kind of in a spell, my mind and soul totally was controlled by arpita. Gradually I started flirting with multiple guys and it seemed perfectly fine. My marks suffered as a result ,I started telling lie to my parents. But those changes were not noticeable to me. I was enjoying the flow of my life, my first freedom. I never imagined I was ruining my life, letting my parents down because of my reckless lifestyle.
I engrossed myself with fantasies partying every night almost, going out with several guys and making out with them. I started regreating why didn’t I enjoy like this before and wasted my time being a typical nerd. Arpita was my role model. Whatever she did I started following her footsteps with only thing that I abstained myself from was taking drugs. Arpita often cajoled me to take drugs with her and enjoy the high spirit but I never felt it was right for me.
I thought you were trying to use me when you caught arpita smooching with rishabh and informed me. I felt like playing with you. Beside you tried using me before, so what’s the harm in giving it a shot. I flirted with you never realising your feelings for me were true. Actually day by day I was turning out to be an animal. Feelings inside me started disappearing. I avoided my parents call, lied to them regularly. The girl who couldn’t think anything without her parents started avoiding them. But to me it felt like normal and day by day I was turning out to be a sadist. I didn’t realise I was landing myself into trouble.
Never ever I imagined this can happen. A month back something happened which changed my whole life. I went to a friend’s rave party with arpita. There everyone was taking cocaine. Suddenly I felt the urge to have it. I started hallucinating. The time went slow nothing registered my mind and everywhere there seemed to be darkness. The following morning I got up to find myself gang raped.
I couldn’t recollect anything though some ephemeral images seemed coming up. I felt like a slut crying all day to get away from the pain. I realised what I was doing was wrong and I had to reimburse for my deed. I realised what damage arpita did to me. I realised this very late. I moved out of the apartment wanting to give my life a fresh start without arpita. Though I realised late but realising it sooner than never was better.
Forgetting that horrible night seemed impossible and it triggered pain each and every time I remembered especially when I was alone. I concentrated on studying to forget the pain. I knew I was strong enough to forget the past and mend my ways henceforth. But the problem was yet to come. This time I missed my date. I was bit worried as I couldn’t remember if they used precaution during raping me and I felt like a fool for not taking contraceptive pills later on. It seemed everything was getting out of control. The worst part is that if I’m pregnant I wouldn’t know who the father will be. I dreaded thinking about the consequences also. My health started deteriorating with frequent vomiting. All I could do was to pray and wait for my periods. Then came the biggest blow, my pregnancy report and it was positive. I was totally screwed. I felt all alone with no one on my side. So I decided to get back home leaving all this back.
You may have noticed today I didn’t appear for campus interview yesterday(if you will notice or not though I don’t know). It’s because im back at burdawan, to spend my last few happy moments with my nearest and dearest ones. I want to get away from all this. Before that I want to sincerely apologise to you for hurting you.i hope you will find a PERFECT INDIAN KANYA someday( I know you love girls the desi style). I did very wrong with you and my parents. I don’t have the guts to face you people. I know when you people will be reading my mail I will be no more. I’m very tired and enervated. I need a cosy sleep, an eternal sleep.
If possible FORGIVE ME and FORGET ME.
Yours,
Imperfect RIMI
Epilogue:
After reading the mail I was numb. I couldn’t move my eyes from the last line of the mail. Immediately I grabbed my phone to call her but soon realised I don’t have her number. So, I could do nothing to stop her. Damn, I loved her. Still now she occupies a special place in my heart. I can’t believe she is no more. I sincerely wanted this mail to be a hoax. If, I could meet her I would have told her with agog “please don’t leave me like this. I will accept you after all this. i’m there for you at your beck. I love you rimi. Damn I love you…. Only you.”
I knew all was over. My job no longer seemed important to me. I could no longer feel the happiness of getting a good placement. Rimi was my life. After losing her I seem to realise it more how much I wanted her. I was left bereaved. She was my first and last true love. My first love story will remain unsuccessful forever and all I could do nothing about it.
“The room is pitch dark,
She is lying on her cosy bed resting on her back,
She is dressed at her best,
Looking not less than any angel.
Gentle breeze is getting inside from the open window,
Displacing a streak of her ruffled hair.
A pale face with glossy eyes,
Reflecting the turbulence inside.
Tears rolling down her chicks
Nobody can hear her silent mourn.
Nobody there to disturb.
Even her best friend, her cell-phone is switched off today.
She wants to be secluded this time,
And feel each and every second passing by.
She wants to enjoy the very moment with herself…
Cherishing all her sweet memories for the last time.
The heart is pumping faster,
An unknown fear has grasped her.
The second arm is ticking noisily
The only sound that is audible late at night.
Somebody is calling her,
Nobody can hold her back
No longer entangled by bonds, like a free bird.
She wants peace, absolute peace.
In the darkness her eyelids fighting to stay wide open
Eventually getting defeated
And getting into a deep sleep slowly.
The pain seems to disappear
She can feel,
A huge stone is being removed from her heart.
Relief is surging.
The pulse is missing.
Gradually passing by….”
The following morning there was news at the local newsletter stating:
“ an engineering student hailing from burdawan suicides consuming excessive sleeping pills. Corpse taken for autopsy.”…………………
About Me:
Soumya Saha
I’m an aspiring engineer currently pursuing my B.tech from Narula institute of technology in the stream of Information technology. I completed my schooling from South point high school,Kolkata. Apart from engineering writing is my passion. This is my first piece of writing for you people. This story is really close to my heart and I sincerely believe this will leave a strong impression in the reader’s mind. I may not be perfect while narrating the story or some may say I don’t fit in a writer’s boot but I’m sure the strong story line will surely make you fall in love with “(im)-perfect Indian kanya”.